Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with demanding friends?

Dark Storm

Dark Storm

Well I'll be a Krampus's Auntie! :D!
Jan 4, 2009
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Hadfield
Question in the title.. I'm struggling to cope with a friend at the yard. I like weekends to myself, and lately it's just not happening. I don't mind giving up a Sunday, but now she's encroaching on my Saturdays too :unsure:
I've never been a sociable person, and I admit over the last 12 months I have improved a great deal, but that's for work reasons, there I have to because it's part of my job. Weekends though, that's where I unwind and allow me to be me, not pushing my boundaries and allowing myself the space to breath.
I get grumpy at home when I can't get the quiet time I need with my horse, and become reluctant to go up and spend that time, because I know i'll get no peace when I do. Those who don't pressurise me, are the one's i'll happily talk to, because I know they don't want anything from me time wise.
 
I am probably no good on this one as I sit in a bad place, in that I would feel a bit guilty about not wanting to spend time with the friend and wanting to be alone. I don't have many friends -OH is my best mate and I never ever get sick of spending time together. He was the only boyfriend in my youth that I was glad when mum asked him to stay for tea!lol the others I wanted to send packing.....hahahaaa
Presume this friend also has horses? Do you hack together etc or do you do other stuff off the yard? Could you just make polite excuses? Could you say you need to spend time with your other half?
 
Trewsers said:
I am probably no good on this one as I sit in a bad place, in that I would feel a bit guilty about not wanting to spend time with the friend and wanting to be alone. I don't have many friends -OH is my best mate and I never ever get sick of spending time together. He was the only boyfriend in my youth that I was glad when mum asked him to stay for tea!lol the others I wanted to send packing.....hahahaaa
Presume this friend also has horses? Do you hack together etc or do you do other stuff off the yard? Could you just make polite excuses? Could you say you need to spend time with your other half?
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They're struggling with finding other people she feels safe to ride out with. The pony has a habit of taking off, each time chipping at their confidence. Pony won't lunge either. The thing is, I don't want to be a crutch, I have to have me time or i get depressed. Horse time is important to me, I just like being around him, doing my jobs, giving him a groom, in a non rushed affair, often taking most of the afternoon, ending in me rolling home at 6pm.
I've just lost my Grandad, he passed away on Wednesday, and i'm still reeling from that. I'm grumpy, tired, probably coming down with a cold, blowing hot and cold at the moment, and have a cold sore the size of Britain on my lip.
 
If she is a friend then you should be able to tell her your reasons and that you need some time alone to chill, especially at the moment.

If she doesn't understand then she is not a friend worth having, and is perhaps just using you without thinking of your feelings.
 
Dark Storm said:
They're struggling with finding other people she feels safe to ride out with. The pony has a habit of taking off, each time chipping at their confidence. Pony won't lunge either. The thing is, I don't want to be a crutch, I have to have me time or i get depressed. Horse time is important to me, I just like being around him, doing my jobs, giving him a groom, in a non rushed affair, often taking most of the afternoon, ending in me rolling home at 6pm.
I've just lost my Grandad, he passed away on Wednesday, and i'm still reeling from that. I'm grumpy, tired, probably coming down with a cold, blowing hot and cold at the moment, and have a cold sore the size of Britain on my lip.
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Sorry to hear about your Grandad. Well, if I were you I would just do what you want and take your time grooming and playing. Just tell her you don't want to rush around and just get on with your own thing. Could you say something like you'd love to ride with her but think Shadow needs time out with you on his own?
 
At the moment I just feel like shutting the door on the world :frown: I was probably closer to my Grand parents than my Dad, now they've both gone. I only have my Aunt now who was always there when I visited my Grandparents, i'm not close to any of my other relatives.
Now they're gone, the family is just going to drift further apart :frown: Those with close knit families have no idea how lucky they are, I now feel completely alone, my Oh is all I have now.
 
Know the feeling, I enjoy going out myself and suiting myself, so I can ride at the speed I want to, go where I want to and come home when I start to seize up....it gives you so much more freedom. I used to ride out with a friend, and that was fine, it suited both of us but it can be a burden and i also am not quite sure at the moment if i can hold my lovely lad in company if he gets wound up, as i am still finding out about him, so i don't want to be a nuisance to someone else saying do you mind if we just walk please.

Going out with my horse clears my head, i came back today buzzing with happiness at how good he was. It's been so long since i had a horse to ride and i hadn't realised how much i missed that connection. It really gets to my soul. Sure i don't mind looking after them if they can't be ridden but i really enjoy just hacking out, seeing the scenery, the stillness and quietness you get with you and your horse.

It's hard to be 'selfish'. My parents are elderly, i do my best, it isn't good enough.
 
Ale said:
If she is a friend then you should be able to tell her your reasons and that you need some time alone to chill, especially at the moment.

If she doesn't understand then she is not a friend worth having, and is perhaps just using you without thinking of your feelings.
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Sometimes its a bit awkward having to have these conversations, but you'll feel so much better afterwards and they may be taken aback a little initially but I would hope that they will be able to value your honesty. You don't need to be rude - just say on Saturdays I like to pootle about on my own but Im happy to ride with you Sunday/whenever else suits YOU.
 
I would be inclined to suggest she got instructor to help with the lunging and say weekends are my chill out days, let's just not do anything. And don't do anything.

To be honest weekends end up being my catch up on odd job days. So tack cleaning etc wouldn't worry me if had friend with me to be honest. But its not a time to ride, that's week days. I clip, trim feet etc so my friend would do the same or ride on their own.
 
I am a very gregarious person, so I don't really understand. Not saying you are wrong, but I just love to do horsey things with other people, and I have been very lucky on my yards that they are all similar to me.

I think though, if it is stressing you, you should just say, or she will think she has done something wrong and that would be worse for her.

Tis a compliment though that she enjoys hacking with you and your pone, so take it as that, rather than being a crutch. I hack out with loads of people, but there is definitely one girl on my yard that I much prefer to hack out with as we are similar, and our horses go well together.
 
If she is a true friend just tell her I am sure she will understand that you like lots of space. I am mibee not the best advice giver in this department as I am very sociable and enjoy meeting people, intact went out for a pint yesterday at 2.30 and it ended up a megaa session with many friends of both sexes. The result is I haven't moved a muscle all day.
 
Is it that your at the yard and she arrived and then won't leave you alone? Or is it that she's contacting you asking to ride with you on a sat?

If the first, I'd just speak politely then get on with whatever you were doing. If the latter then I think I would just reply and say you need to do your own thing on a sat with shadow, no need to explain tbh, but if pushed I'd suggest saying something like he can get nappy if he doesn't get worked on his own frequently....
 
Sorry to hear about your Grandad. ((Hugs))

As for your friend, I totally get where you are coming from as I am very people orientated as a rule but yard time is my time. As others have said try and have a quiet word with her and just tell her that you just need some 'me' time on Saturday. I think it's harder for us to be what we perceive as selfish than it is for other people to accept if that makes sense and you shouldn't need to justify yourself.
 
I got a message a couple of Saturdays ago saying she couldn't make it for 4 to hack out and for me to go out without her.. We hadn't even arranged to go riding and this weekend My boy has pulled a shoe over the week, so it's schooling only.
One time I said I was doing something else (shopping with husband before holiday) and she came out with "Don't you want to hack out with me?".. my reply was, she knew my boy had been poorly a lot this year, and I was being careful with him whilst getting him back into work (he was getting over a bacterial infection at the time), plus I had my holiday to think about, getting clothes, riding was just not at the top of my list at the time.
Sometimes I just like hacking alone, it's good for my lad, as it helps him to cope with not being in company, I mean I don't want him not being able to hack out alone because he depends on his field mate and vice versa.
 
Mostly I have my yard to myself, I don't class the others as friends. I have had a friend stay for a week with their horse so naturally we spend all day together. Perhaps its the friend? I know one I distance myself from as they are a bit Ott about everything and I get a headache!

Communication here is the key, for her to feel you suddenly didn't want to hack out with her she is insecure. Live happens, things alter.

For the pulled shoe you can get those boots to pop over, my friend does it and carries on hacking. :happy:
 
He has the farrier tomo, I'll ask him what sized feet my lad has :smile:
I've always been a private person who likes to do her own thing when she feels like it, after this last year i've been feeling a bit detached from things, maybe because Shadow has been poorly so often.
Every time we start to pick up where we left off, we have another episode of bad luck, and rather than let her down at the last minute, i'd rather just do my own thing and not have to worry about letting her down. I'm touching wood as I say this, he's doing ok at the moment, and i'd really like to keep it that way..
 
But if you don't have a boot and don't want to buy one just for that?

I think the issue is being flexible. Today I wanted to ride, but the roads were like ice, I wait till 1pm and it was still dodgy so gave up on it and Bud went out. If I had an arrangement to go out with someone, you might feel obliged to chance it, or hang around all day waiting for the weather to change.

In the end, I just decided that he had worked hard yesterday and so he could just go out - well actually we won't mention the fact that he did a runner with his rug and collar still on and took himself out to the field - didn't have the heart to get him back in.

I like the flexibility of being able to decide on the day what I want to do.
 
As it happened, yesterday was a wash out after 20 past one, with black clouds and hail the size of peas.. no way would I ride out or school in that.. horrible afternoon it was :cold:
 
Dark Storm said:
One time I said I was doing something else (shopping with husband before holiday) and she came out with "Don't you want to hack out with me?".. my reply was, she knew my boy had been poorly a lot this year, and I was being careful with him whilst getting him back into work (he was getting over a bacterial infection at the time), plus I had my holiday to think about, getting clothes, riding was just not at the top of my list at the time.
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I must be an evil old bag, if someone said that to me I'd just be honest and say 'nothing personal but no, today I'm doing xyz.' Maybe it's age related I don't know but I've learned as I've got older that I don't have do something I don't want to do and secondly I don't have to justify my reasons either, I used to be terrible at not being able to say NO and if I did I used to feel really bad and have to give someone all the reasons why I couldn't do something for them, then my life changed quite a bit and I learned that actually it is OK to do what YOU would like, practise saying no and honestly it will get easier and don't feel bad/guilty, the way I look at this is if she isn't
considering you in her decisions and what SHE wants she's not much of a friend anyway.
 
Kite_Rider said:
I must be an evil old bag, if someone said that to me I'd just be honest and say 'nothing personal but no, today I'm doing xyz.' Maybe it's age related I don't know but I've learned as I've got older that I don't have do something I don't want to do and secondly I don't have to justify my reasons either, I used to be terrible at not being able to say NO and if I did I used to feel really bad and have to give someone all the reasons why I couldn't do something for them, then my life changed quite a bit and I learned that actually it is OK to do what YOU would like, practise saying no and honestly it will get easier and don't feel bad/guilty, the way I look at this is if she isn't
considering you in her decisions and what SHE wants she's not much of a friend anyway.
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this !!!
 
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