QOD - 31/01/2013 How do you deal with bullies

Exactly what you did OBC. I can't abide bullies and always stand up to them, even though I may be quaking in my boots (I'm not a big lady nor a particularly fit one) but usually bullies tend to be the less intelligent among us and have no where to go if you do stand up to them, they certainly don't like anyone who stays calm but assertive, sticks to the facts and speaks proper English. In my experience anyway.
 
I was bullied horribly in my first year at senior school, I desperately wanted to change schools or house and wasn't allowed to. My mum and dad went into school and nothing happened.

In the end, I had my first fight and called the bluff if the most vocal of the gang that was bullying me. I did hit her and she called it a day, at which point the 'hardest' of the bunch offered to take over. I remember cheerfully saying it'd have to wait for another day as I was moving house and had to get home. It never did happen on another day and I was left alone.

This has continued to affect me all through me adult life (I'm 40 this year) as I'm now the sort of person who is firm but fair. I'm generous but make it clear what I expect from people and if I feel there might be a problem where they are taking advantage then I say something the second time it happens, I believe in laying things on the line early before things get a chance to escalate.

There's no doubt about it, the bullying has left its mark but I believe I'm a better person for it as my troubles in life are few and I've got a definite sense of self and a greater empathy for others. No bad thing.
 
I've took the stance of being nice as pie to them because they hate it. Always giving a hello and a goodbye, caught quite a few people out by doing that.

It bothers them more if they think that they aren't getting to you and eventually leave you alone.

If they threatened me i would deal with things differently though.
 
It depends, if I felt threatened I would have to have a confrontation and get it cleared up / stopped. I hate bullies and don't see any place for them anywhere. I'd probably if it were a yard situation also inform the YO - as I don't see why they should be allowed to continue being a livery if they are continually bullying other people. I just don't see why people have to spoil what should be an enjoyable thing, ie, being with your horses and riding etc etc. Just no need.
 
I'm a wimp and always have been.

I was bullied really badly in my last year of primary school and all the way through high school. I just sat back and took it. More often than not it was verbal rather than physical. I never let myself cry infront of them and never said a word. I tried to deal with it all myself and that was the wrong way as it ended up in self-harm, depression, suicide attempts and eating disorders. Ruined my teenage years.

Now I don't seem to encounter it so often and when I do I'm good at back-handed sarcastic comments that catch them off guard. The yard I'm leaving is bad for bullying and I've been lucky not to have too much aimed at me but when I have it has just been water off a ducks back but only because I know that what they are saying is total:poop: (which is much easier when you have grown up and have your thoughts and beliefs about yourself established). I'm not the most confident person but I can stick up for myself a bit better now.

When it comes to physical stuff I don't think I'd put up much of a fight as I'm a bit of a weakling!!!! I'd try to defend myself as much as possible and obviously if i felt my life was at risk I'd do something but if someone were to throw a punch at me then I wouldn't retaliate.
 
I think that it all depends on what you class as bullying.

I am lucky in that I have never had someone who has gone out of their way to make trouble for me, nor have I ever been physically or verbally assaulted.

I have been on the receiving end of some rather bitchy comments, but so has more or less every horsey person that I know. I know that some people think it very odd that I have the quietest horse on the yard, yet I still don't hack very far. It doesn't really bother me what they think and I have no interest in discussing it with them. If they wish to waste their time by talking about my hacking fears behind my back, then I am more than happy to let them.

I think that I generally have a very thick skin and it is only the opinions of my closest friends and family that I care about. I think that generally you will only be bullied if you let other people bully you. If you let other peoples opinions matter to you, or you seek approval from the people around you, then you run the risk of being a victim.
 
I think the term 'confront' isn't how I'd like to see what I do, I will question though and only get firmer depending on the response I receive.
 
i like to confront and stick up for myself!

Ditto and I think fear of this sort of attitude prevents folk from even trying to bully me. I dinnae take any crap. Although it depends in what circumstances as to how much of 'bull in a china shop' id be about it. I like to think I'm a bit more tactful at work.....but by god I don't suffer fools well.

I've never really been bullied in anything other than jest.
 
Rubic that makes really sad reading. I wish you where here in Lincoln and had someong like me to to tell other people to F^&k off if they every upset you again. I really do hate bullies more than I can put in to words.

Mental bullying is often worse as it lives with you through out you life and it will either make you stronger or make you retreat in to your self. I went through the retreat stage in my late teens but came out fighting in my early twenty unfortunatly I lost my way in life for a couple of years and found that I neither liked the person I had become or the life I was living and I had to make some pretty majors changes. All this because of bullies.

I then meet my OH and found myself again he has made me a nicer person but also really strong mentally.

I have to say (whispers) after I walked away I started to shake I hate conflict and try to avoid it as much as I can. I have been at my yard for 5 years and kept out of every arguement and sat on the fence a lot as it normally about other people but this was directed at me personnelly.
 
I was bullied all the way through high school,I always got on with lads better than lasses as you don't get the bitching but this made the girls worse with me.I was lucky as I had a lot of big brother figures in the guys I hung about with but I never stuck up for myself and would cry every night.
I then moved to Surrey and had a lot of trouble with the 2 girls I shared a cottage with,I was older and didn't let it get to me like I had in school but was so fed up with it.in the end I just asked them out right every morning do you want a cuppa etc and if they were talking to me today or not which really threw them.they tried to be my best friend after that and of course I wasn't interested which annoyed them even more.if i know someone has a problem with me now I just go straight upto them and ask,and if I hear that somebody is talking about me I go straight up and ask what the problem is.I hate atmospheres see little point in going on like that.I will defend people if I see they are been bullied as its very sad because a lot of people are too scared to stand up to bullies.I am not physical but speak my mind and a spade is a spade with me.I'm also a great believer that if you don't like someone then ok not everyone gets along with eachother but just don't speak,there's no need for bullying.I agree with innocence too being nice to them bothers them and often throws them off guard,my friend laughs at me as if someone is trying for and arguement I just smile :)
 
Ignoring them because they hate that and get bored, find someone else. They want a rise or reaction out of the person if they don't get it, its boring for them.

Though I feel these days bullying has moved onto the internet and not the verbal it used to be? People do it on fb and you can just not have an account. I expect peer pressure to have one is big though.
 
Stand up to them - if you do you are no longer a victim, every bully needs a victim - they are basically cowards who get off on controlling anyone who they percieve to be weak by whatever means, turning the other cheek won't work with a determined bully - the only thing that stopped by daughter being bullied (school would not accept a problem existed) was a hook under the chin and a well aimed knee ( she was only 11 and the bully was a boy 2 years older than her and bigger who thought it was clever to pick on her , physically and mentally and encourage others to join in), my partner gave her some self defence tuition and had told her to confront him and ask him to stop and only use it as a last resort - she did and it stopped instantly. We did get called into school as the Bus driver reported her as she laid him out on the school bus - nothing happened but then again the School never considered there to be a bullying problem with the school, even though my eldest had to be moved to a different school following years of torment from non existent school bullies, my youngest was not going the same way, she didn't want to move and wanted to stand up to them. so she did.

I don't advocate violence - but it was a means to an end this once.
 
Ignoring them because they hate that and get bored, find someone else. They want a rise or reaction out of the person if they don't get it, its boring for them.

This. I don't stand up to it verbally because I don't think it helps. 'Clearing the air' does not really work ime!

On the other hand I don't allow a bully's behaviour to affect mine. I will quietly and assertively do whatever I want to do, even if a bully does try to give me a hard time over it. I also don't let nasty comments bother me.

I actually often just apologise in a vague, general way - sort of 'I'm really sorry you feel...' kind of thing while carrying on as normal! A few months ago I was driving down a narrow lane. There was no room for 2 cars and the car coming towards me -who was a really horrible livery - had less far to reverse to the passing space than I did. So I did not go back but waited for her to go back. She reversed but wound down her window as I drove past and yelled 'if you can't bl00dy drive you shouldn't be on the road!' Next time I saw her I apologised profusely for my non-existent crime saying 'I am so sorry you felt it should have been me that reversed. Next time I'll be sure to be more considerate!' She then told me she had just been in a foul mood and had a temper on her at the best of times and she was very sorry she had shouted at me. If I had given her a mouthful it would never have ended.
 
School was ok for me really, we had plenty of 'hard nuts'. We just kept out of the way really and didn't get involved. My best friend was something of a target. Her dad was a detective in the 'special branch' of the Police. The school was very rough and full of 'Police haters'. Occasionally she would get picked on but tbh the bullies where so thick it was easy to outwit them.

One day sticks in my mind. One guy was giving her a load of stick about something, she was only a small skinny girl but she threw herself across 4 tables and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him over the tables, cursing and swearing at him, it was so funny, he went all gooey and said things like 'I never meant it' etc. She ripped the whole front out of his shirt, which was also hilarious. He got really worried his dad was going to tell him off about the shirt. Poor guy, I think of him fondly and wonder whatever became of him.

I was bullied at work once which was truly horrible. I had a new boss who was a total male chauvinist. He threw a party one night when he arrived which we all felt obliged to attend. One of his rich business chums took a shine to me and wanted to take me home in his Rolls Royce, I declined and that was the beginning of the end. He was really difficult with me at work and did his utmost to make me feel left out. I couldn't complain to our superior because he had him over a barrel (blackmail). Really nasty piece of work. I had to leave the company. These days I don't think it would happen, so many more HR laws etc.
 
I was bullied at school and i swore my kids would never go through the same...Now , if the kids get picked on or bullied i do whatever i have to do to be honest.Its not always pleasant but i,ll do whatever it takes to sort it out myself and not rely on schools etc to sort it out.

As an adult i wont allow myself to be bullied now and if i think somebody is trying to i,ll set them straight immediately..It had a long lasting effect on me.
 
I was bullied at school and i swore my kids would never go through the same...Now , if the kids get picked on or bullied i do whatever i have to do to be honest.Its not always pleasant but i,ll do whatever it takes to sort it out myself and not rely on schools etc to sort it out.

As an adult i wont allow myself to be bullied now and if i think somebody is trying to i,ll set them straight immediately..It had a long lasting effect on me.

My Eldest was much like you, her confidence was shot even into Adulthood, even now she has problems in confrontational situations - she hid it from us, but we new something wasn't right - the school of course denied all knowledge - this was 25+ years ago - my youngest knew what was going on and told us but when we moved the Eldest they started on her - she was stronger and with a bit of guidance stopped it - you are right you have to do what it takes you can't rely on the school system to sort whatever they say, I know of parents even now who's children have had similar experiences at the same School - nothing changes much even if they try to gloss over it with there "anti bullying " campaigns. You always have Children who are more sensative and they are easy targets.
 
After having two bricks in a bag swung into my face in high school I learnt to fight any bully n stand up for myself. I never wanted to become the bully but I knew I could protect myself I was happy. I was also the fool that would happily stand in and protect others if needed.

However with age n common sense n a respect for others I would rather be sensible and try and discuss what the issues are and sort it all out verbally n sensibly, even if it is hard to hear some things that are said about you.

With age you also get more choice to remove yourself or the people causing the issues from your life which I think makes a huge difference compared to when I was younger.

My attitudes very simple, Life's not worth all the upset, you get one shot, treat people with the respect you want back. If you can't be civil with certain individuals then best to remove yourself from the situation :)
 
My approach to bullies which I keep in my mind is 'Don't feed the trolls'. Because that's what they are. Awful people who take pleasure in bringing others down. My main bully has a little clique of people who hang on to her every word thinking she is the best thing since sliced bread. When actually she has left a fair trail of broken, wounded, damaged and dead livestock behind her. She doesn't like that I tell the truth when asked, so resorts to lies, jibes and the like. Water off a ducks back to me frankly.
 
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