Mid life crisis with OH maybe??? UPDATE

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laz

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Oct 9, 2004
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Central Scotland
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I dont post a lot on this forum but am looking for some advice. Dont have many people around me to talk to the now. This is a long one by the way.

I have been with my OH for around 8 years. Theres an age gap of 13 years he being the oldest but it has never been a problem. The last month he has been quite grumpy with me saying he wants peace and quiet for a bit. I dont live there just stay now and again but am a frequent visitor cause of the dogs etc. He hasnt been working so much the last couple of months own business so is in the house a lot, so maybe i was coming up a bit much sometimes 4 times a day so i agree to that so i stayed up at mine for lunch etc and tried to give him a couple of days off cause he was in the house more.

Bearing in mind he went a golfing holiday the middle of june to Egypt he has been in the pub nearly every nite since then and we have done nothing together. He has also been renovating the kitchen / living room and has took his sister with him to get stuff and just being the usual grump with me.

This week i got a text saying things had changed the last couple of months and that he wanted to be on his own for a bit. He also said he was going away a couple of days. Yesterday i met him down the town said he was going to his accounts and i said if we could talk later he said ok. Got a text at lunchtime saying he would phone me in 2 weeks. I immediately phone him and he was in a really noisy place and was talking quietly to me on the phone.

to be continued
 
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He said he was going away climbing so i said what about the dogs i'll take them up to mine to stay and he said whatever do what u want. After work the dogs were there he was obviously going to get someone in his family to look after them cause stuff was laid out so i took them up to my house. Had a quick look about his house and climbing gear was all there but his suitcase and holiday stuff was all away. I think he has gone abroad. I havent heard anything from him. I sent him a text saying that its alrite to go away and clear your head etc but no reply.

I was up the house the nite watering plants and was putting stuff in a rubbish bag and noticed an itemised phone bill ripped up. There was strange numbers on it which made me look i wasn't snooping it just happened to be at the top. There has been texts/calls to Egypt all of June even though he has only been there for a week. I hardly text him there because it is so expensive. But these are all to a number in Egypt and some to Poland :help:

So i now presume he is in Egypt with some woman. I am now begining to think if he was really on a golfing holiday to start with as i dont know the guys he went with and according to his phone bill he called this number the nite he landed. He never booked a hotel just flights as he said he was staying in a villa as a guy had pulled out and all he needed was his flights. So now i think he is back over there visiting someone:banghead:
 
He has also been buying new clothes for going away and got a tattoo done as well. I cried myself to sleep the other nite as it has been 8 years but since finding this number i am very intrigued but i dont want to confront him when he comes home as he just clams up and i would get nothing out of him.

Well done for reading what do you guys think. Does it look suss?
 
You would not be posting if you didn't think it was suss, and you think it's suss because it is and you know deep down there is something going on.

I am a believer in instint and listening to the inner voice, wait till he gets back and have a chat, but don't take any sh!t as you are extremely patient with him doing all this, he would be put on his arse if it was me....but I am pretty harsh in this dept!
 
Jointly owning dogs doesn't give him the right to treat you like this. You both agreed to be in a relationship and that involves communication - not just buggering off some place, alone or with somebody else, just because one fancies it. How would he feel if you did the same a few months back when everything seemed okay?

Having been in a very destructive relationship in the past I am very much a no nonsense person when it comes to matters of the heart. Probably self preservation I guess. Knowing how insane I have driven myself before due to there (it transpired) being a third person in our relationship, I would probably end up phoning the suspect numbers you found. But then two rights don't necessarily mean a wrong, especially if it's all innocent.

I wish I had answers and I wish you didn't have to be in this situation. I empathise how crap it is. I hope you feel you are able to at least make HIM confront the situation when he gets back as you don't deserve to be treated in this way. Hugs x

(I hope that all makes sense, I'm very tired right now & almost nodding off at the laptop).
 
Sorry you are going through this, you must be feeling awful, but I'm afraid it looks much worse than suspicious.
it sounds like he has made his decision but doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over.
having left my ex after 11years last year And seeing how quickly situations like this turn nasty I'm afraid I would be taking anything of mine from his house whilst he is away and making sure all money was sorted so I was secure and able to live a single life if it comes to it.
After that length of time together it is NOT alright for him to do what he is doing to you. It is unkind, disrespectful, confusing and dishonest and you deserve better.
You need to find out where you stand whether that be asking a direct question by phone or text, or by leaving a note for when he returns, but please, don't tell him it's ok to treat you like this, it robs you of your dignity and self respect. You are a caring human being, not a doormat.
Sorry if this sound a bit harsh and negative but but I recognise the symptoms.
It's a horrid situation to be in so you have my sympathy xxx
 
They'll be his dogs officially although i have dealt with them since pups. I was upset before cause i never even imagined anyone else until the nite and my mindset has changed already. I think he was trying to break up with me so he didnt feel so guilty. But i have decided not to go in all guns blazing because he will deny everything. Hes not one to open up easily. Just need to catch the bugger out i am in total amazement right now that this could be happening. :furious:
 
Take the dogs to yours and break it off with him. Whatever is going on in his head he has no right to treat you with such disrespect. You deserve better.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but after a string of damaging relationships I've realised that there's no point wasting time with men who don't take your feelings into consideration. Better to just call it off and find someone who does deserve you.

My partner is 13 years older than me. He's having a mid-life crisis by trying to learn to ride a mountain bike, not by treating me like :poop:. As I said, no excuses it's ultimatum time.
 
I agree with werehorse, just be gone when he gets back.
trying to catch him out just means that you waste more of your precious life on him. All the time you are planning what to say and how to act you will be thinking negative, bitter angry thoughts that will make you miserable, and you won't feel any better once you have caught him out.
Better still. Put the dogs in kennels and go on your own holiday :)
Xxx
 
I think the relationship has ended. I wouldn't bother contacting him anymore. I would keep the dogs with you and if he wants them back leave it to him to contact you (with his attitude it sounds like he may not want them back anyhow). Use today as the first day of single life and do not spend anymore time thinking/talking etc to this bloke.
 
Get the dogs, take them to your house, change the locks and dont bother with him again.

He cannot treat you like that, its not right!
I hate men who think they can treat there partners like that, its so cruel!

Please dont take anymore crap from him!

So sorry your in this situation :( *hugs*
 
What a horrible situation to be in. I would make sure that you have removed everything that you want from his house and be prepared for the single life.

However, you do need to get to the bottom of this and have it out with him because it may not be what you think at all. It does sound like he has been in contact with someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is another woman. These phone calls could have simply been about organising the perfect golfing holiday! While you are right to suspect something is wrong, don't jump to conclusions before you know the facts. Everyone questions their relationships from time to time, and perhaps he just needs some time on his own to establish what he wants out of life.
 
I feel for you Laz. Its not easy but he sounds like he just doesnt have enough balls to just finish it.
Take the dogs as he is quite happy to just swan off wherever and leave you with them.
Never fall for the "I want some time apart" rubbish.
I think you've been more than patient with his bullsh*t and be strong for yourself.
Lots of us on here have been through some rubbish with ex partners etc and your not alone. Chin up x
 
There was a woman on the telly the other morning who thought her husband was cheating because of his odd behaviour - he goes hiking a lot and doesn't do his fair share around the house or looking after the kid

The show sent someone to follow him, and he was indeed just going hiking...

Not that anyone on the show asked, but my question would have been, why is this man married with kids if he wants to behave as if he's single?

I know it's not much help to you Laz, but your OH may just be one of these 'selfish' people who wants to be single but for some reason has to be in a relationship with someone...

It's very easy to say "dump him" but the reality of breaking up with someone can be hard.

best of luck to you!
 
Mary Poppins said:
What a horrible situation to be in. I would make sure that you have removed everything that you want from his house and be prepared for the single life.

However, you do need to get to the bottom of this and have it out with him because it may not be what you think at all. It does sound like he has been in contact with someone, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is another woman. These phone calls could have simply been about organising the perfect golfing holiday! While you are right to suspect something is wrong, don't jump to conclusions before you know the facts. Everyone questions their relationships from time to time, and perhaps he just needs some time on his own to establish what he wants out of life.
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Ditto.

What evidence is there for anything. Be prepared but do try to get him to open up.
 
clashnoir said:
I feel for you Laz. Its not easy but he sounds like he just doesnt have enough balls to just finish it.
Take the dogs as he is quite happy to just swan off wherever and leave you with them.
Never fall for the "I want some time apart" rubbish.
I think you've been more than patient with his bullsh*t and be strong for yourself.
Lots of us on here have been through some rubbish with ex partners etc and your not alone. Chin up x
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Agree with this. I've had that line in the past. I ended up confronting the ex as I wasn't going to fall for that rubbish. Tell me to my face once and for all! I was gutted but it made him feel uncomfortable, me turning up around his place.

Lobelia Overhill said:
There was a woman on the telly the other morning who thought her husband was cheating because of his odd behaviour - he goes hiking a lot and doesn't do his fair share around the house or looking after the kid

The show sent someone to follow him, and he was indeed just going hiking...

Not that anyone on the show asked, but my question would have been, why is this man married with kids if he wants to behave as if he's single?

I know it's not much help to you Laz, but your OH may just be one of these 'selfish' people who wants to be single but for some reason has to be in a relationship with someone...

It's very easy to say "dump him" but the reality of breaking up with someone can be hard.

best of luck to you!
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This too. I really don't see why some people are in relationships! I have to say, Hope you don't take offence to this but it seems strange that you've been with him 8 years but you still live separately? Sounds to me like he is exactly as LO above describes. All that time and you have never lived together or taken the relationship a step further towards further commitment?

I do feel for you. It's so hard to accept. Especially after that amount of time. Echo what others have said, take the dogs and don't look back. I know it's not easy though!

You know where we are. There are a lot of us who have been through this too.

Keep strong.

xxx
 
I read this this morning and have been pondering over a comment since...

My first thought was after 8 years he text you to tell you things had changed??!! surely you deserved a conversation...it sounds like he does want to end it (sorry) but hasnt got the balls to do it properly or in a civilised way.

Its going to be hard but even if he isnt lying about where he is (go with your gut on that bit) he isnt treating you very respectfully, perhaps if you can you should end it before he drags it out to make things easier for himself.

I dont think you should just leave it the way things are....it will forever be in your mind you need to have it out with him at somepoint even if it is just so you can move on.

Despite what I have just said (it is only my opinion) only you can decide and only you know if what you guys have together is worth fighting for/saving...good luck.

We're all here if you need us x
 
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