Chunky Monkey gang

Feeling grumpy and at a loss. Yesterday i took some of the ram lambs to the abbatoir. Next week the others are going. I breed them to put dinner on the table but i am seriously finding it difficult to have to do it. Yet ive put more sheep into lamb. I really question why???
Ive rung the knackerman for Roger this morning. Plus one of the little boys who should be going next week doesnt look good. So i think he may go with Roger instead. But its upset me as i feel a complete failure particularly with Roger and making the call has brought up thoughts of the horses. Those guilty feelings for letting them go.
A nurse came to the house this morning and happened to ask me how the horses were. I was fine with it all then, and talked about it but since then ive felt that low feeling.

I was even talking about finding another horse. I feel so confused, part of me doesnt want another horse, but l do, no more sheep, no cows. Animals has been my life for so many years. I dont know what to do if i didnt have them. They are what gets me up each day. Im sure this feeling is also due to the dank weather and long dark nights.

Ive also accidentally just looked at a horse for sale ad and it ticked many boxes. Why do i have all these mixed feelings. Human nature is so crazy.
 
I think after the loss of a horse (and I am sure it's double when it's 2), you always get those mixed feelings when you look for the next, our brains and our hearts aren't always on the same wavelengths with these things and just need time to work it out between themselves. I heard something I thought quite true last night, death isn't the end, just punctuation.
 
Big hugs, it's always hard losing a horse you loved and cared for, and you've got a lot of other things going on too so it's no wonder you feel down. I found it came in waves - sometimes I could cope and others it was all I could do not to break down in tears and shake. You take the time you need, and I believe that the right horse comes to us - it may not be right on paper and the timing may be wrong too but somehow you just see them and think "yes, it's you" - or maybe I'm a sentimental fool who's crap at horse buying 🤣 . One thing is certain for me, I never ever forget them and even though I know I always did my best there are times when even years later I question my decisions. I have learned to be kinder to myself though, not least because I know I always did what I thought was best at the time. Try to be nice to yourself and don't feel that there's a right way to grieve or that you should get over it.
 
Yes human nautre is crazy isn't it. So many ups and downs with animals and you already sound like you've got a lot going on. Sending lots of good thoughts to you. You will get through it all in your own way and hopefully along the way something will find you and it will be right.xxx
 
Mixed feelings is normal.
Personally I am not a farming person. A horse can get me out of bed, keep me awake at night. I don't have that with farming. So I wouldn't want to be doing any of it.
Taking photos of them yes, looking after, no.
 
Roger left me yesterday. I think he knew he allowed me to give him a big hug. Not something you normally do with a ram. I didnt sleep to well last night.

On a light hearted note Frank has earned himself an extension to his name. Now Frank Bruno. He exercised his head on the hay rack i was moving in the field. I was also trying to put the bricks round the wheels to stop it rolling down the field. I look up to see Frank giving me the evil eye of im about to charge you. I swiftly moved round to the other side of the hay feeder. He ran round it to get to me. I almost considered jumping on top of the feeder for safety. I then had a 50m walk to exit the field. I got out unscathed but not without him in hot pursuit. I think i will have to move the feed troughs nearer to the style. 50m is too far for me to outrun the ram.
 
Gosh ive just been catching up on the past. One of the girls who used to ride Chunky, with me and Billy, is out in Australia and is now the strapper and rider for the horse that has just one the Melbourne Cup. Chunky was far from a race horse, but it just goes to show what time in the saddle on a cob can lead to. She was very much a part of keeping Chunky ticking over in his old age and i will always be greatful to her.
 
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Just a tiny update. All my remaining animals are fit and well. Horse hunt is well and truly on hold.

Sadly my mum was taken into hospital last weekend. Currently the prognosis is very, very poor with maybe only days.
 
Well its a mixed bag. Mums been moved to a 3rd hospital today. Its further away. So visiting will be tricky especially when they are closing the roads overnight for the major roadworks and road building going on near us. Diversions are long.
We are going in the right direction mainly. There are still some huge worries medically and scans still happening. Shes lost 11kgs in the fortnight shes been in. Shes leaking so much fluid from her torso, it just doesnt stop. The bed is constantly soaked. Her leaking legs are more under control it would seem. Shes been moved to a hospital that does rehap and physio. Shes barely been allowed out of bed the last fortnight and not been allowed to even walk to the bathroom. So im not sure if she can even walk now. Hope its not to late to rehap.
 
Sending you lots of love and strength @chunky monkey , and healing vibes for your mum. Everything crossed that the rehab works, I'm sure they wouldn't ave sent her for it if they thought it was hopeless xx
 
That sounds tough for you both, I’m sure carthorse is right they wouldn’t have sent her there if it was too late. Healing vibes coming mums way.
 
Well mums just been moved again back to a&e at the first hospital. So we start the process all over again. After two days of assessment at the new hospital she went to supposedly for physio before sending her home, they have decided that there are severely unresolved issues that should have been addressed.

Quite frankly she should not have been moved it was obvious there were issues and getting worse based on the fact they were doing scans which show abnormalities. Basically she is end of life although they dont say that as such. Theyve even put a DNR on her. I had to get cross to even find that out two weeks ago. No one wants to look after her. Given all her medical issues right now, I have asked about life expenctancy and i cannot get an answer. Shes just being pushed from pillar to post till her organs give up it would seem.
There have been new issues that have become very apparent in the last 48 hours. Reading about them gives very little hope.
I am preparing for the worse.
 
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Wow we just had a phone call at 12.30am from a&e telling us there was no treatment required and she could be collected to come home. Are you serious. We have just let rip down the phone. There are some serious failings going on in the hospital system. Utterly disgusting. I think we might be speaking to our local coucillors and writing letters of complaint to the hospital. I am appalled the hospital care system is very much broken.
 
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