10 year old daughter has lost all confidence

MilMin

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Dec 21, 2021
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Hello. My daughter who has just turned 10, had a nasty fall around 18 months ago where she was thrown off a pony and dragged the length of a field. Before this she was a very confident rider but, understandably, she lost a lot of confidence after. We have spent the last year trying to up her confidence and in August we bought her her first pony. This pony is lovely. She is a genuine, been there, done that, pony and very chilled. Although she can spook. My daughter has fallen off her pony quite a few times when the pony has spooked but we know the pony is more spooky because my daughter is so tense and waiting for something to happen. When my daughter trialled this pony she cantered and jumped 70cm with her but now - 4 months on - she is back on a lead rope and walking again. She just does not trust any pony at the moment although she LOVES her pony to pieces.

I am after some advice about how to build her confidence and trust with her pony, please? I know these things take time and this time of year is not ideal but any suggestions will be welcomed.

Thank you very much in advance.
 
It sounds like you have been trying lots, but I would maybe give Rescue Remedy a go, for both daughter and pony. Its a Bach Flower remedy and just helps with relaxation, so should help daughter with the nerves (and sometimes I think knowing the pony has had something helps with that too) and the pony not to pick up on any nerves of your daughters.
Beyond that its mostly going to be repetition and gradually building her up, which it sounds like you were already doing. It might be worth getting her to a pony club, I think riding (and competing with) peers can really help kids progress as they don't like being left behind ;)
 
Can't add much to the above - I have a lot of time for rescue remedy - I have a drop or two every single ride!. Keep doing what you're doing, with maybe a few minutes off the lead every ride, with massive praise for whatever she manages, even if it's only 10 strides. Maybe a few lessons with a sympathetic RI? Good luck :)
 
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I tried the Rescue Remedy, when I had only had Storm a couple of weeks. I remember my lovely Dad going to the local Health food store and getting it for me. I gave Storm some and I had some and I think it helped - even if the effect was mainly placebo lol
I think it might have boosted my confidence a little bit, I managed to hack her around the estate without falling to bits. Sounds like you're doing all the right things, slow and steady - and what Jessey said about pony club, that sounds to me like a good idea. I think when you're amongst other people too and having fun it can be great for boosting confidence on board.
 
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You can also get rescue remedy gummies which taste much nicer. Would a neck strap or grab strap on saddle help? I know I am more confident with a neck strap on. I never use it but knowing I have something to grab helps. And as everyone says teeny tiny steps. If I am having a nervous day I say to myself if I need to get off I will, if I just walk to end of the road I will. If she takes 5 steps off the lead then that is great. And also echo pony club. Try focusing on something else while riding, could be anything from singing to looking out for a certain bird. If she is tense and focusing on pony spooking she will come off. If relaxed even if pony spooks she is more likely to sit it. So concentrate on anything else.
 
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I’m not a fan of rescue remedy, I think the only way to build confidence is to have a pony you trust and feel safe with. While your daughter loves her pony, if she pony spooks and she has fallen frequently, it is no wonder she is nervous. I hate spooky rides and wouldn’t feel safe either. Either she learns to ride the spooky pony (which she doesn’t seem to want to do) or get her a pony that doesn’t spook so much.
 
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Im kind of with Mary Poppins on this one. A spooky pony isnt pleasant and can quickly shatter the nerves and having falls makes it twice as bad.

Does your daughter have a riding instructor. Either someone who can come to you or you can go to for lessons.
Can you get her some lessons at a riding school on some other quiet horses for a while. To rebuild her confidence. If she enjoys that then much as she loves her pony. Consider selling it. Build some connections either through a riding school or instructor. Good connections are worth having because they may know of ponies that another child is outgrowing and needs a new home. The instructors may even have worked with these ponies already and may be able to point you in the direction of something more suitable.
 
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Riding is not compulsory and is a fairly dangerous hobby. I dont think any child should be obliged to ride. And I personally do not ride spooky horses. When a novice hacker, as soon as I could, I stopped riding the only one I was previously made to.
 
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First of all have you talked with your daughter about this? Does she want t ride at all? If she does does she want to ride het pony or other ponies or both? What does she want to do? Make it very clear that there are no wrong or right answers, and if she's fond of her pony don't threaten her with if you don't ride her we'll sell her.

If she wants to ride then for now I'd let her stay on the lead rein with no pressure. Talk to her when she's riding and get her to talk back, or sing silly songs or something - the aim is to relax and slightly distract her, for now she doesn't need to focus too much on her pony or riding. Winter isn't a great time of year to try working on confidence anyway, the weather alone often seems to add to spooky behaviour. If you feel the pony needs more work see if you can find a suitable rider for a couple of days a week, but you want someone fairly quiet as you want to keep her calm - it may be that seeing her ridden and being sensible will help your daughter too.

Lessons with a sympathetic instructor may help too, but again make sure she wants to do them and it's a teacher who will work at her pace.

This is going to take time because you need to go entirely at her pace with no pressure, No telling her she can do it or she used to do things or comparing her to her friends. It's as hard for you as her.
 
First of all have you talked with your daughter about this? Does she want t ride at all? If she does does she want to ride het pony or other ponies or both? What does she want to do? Make it very clear that there are no wrong or right answers, and if she's fond of her pony don't threaten her with if you don't ride her we'll sell her.

If she wants to ride then for now I'd let her stay on the lead rein with no pressure. Talk to her when she's riding and get her to talk back, or sing silly songs or something - the aim is to relax and slightly distract her, for now she doesn't need to focus too much on her pony or riding. Winter isn't a great time of year to try working on confidence anyway, the weather alone often seems to add to spooky behaviour. If you feel the pony needs more work see if you can find a suitable rider for a couple of days a week, but you want someone fairly quiet as you want to keep her calm - it may be that seeing her ridden and being sensible will help your daughter too.

Lessons with a sympathetic instructor may help too, but again make sure she wants to do them and it's a teacher who will work at her pace.

This is going to take time because you need to go entirely at her pace with no pressure, No telling her she can do it or she used to do things or comparing her to her friends. It's as hard for you as her.
Totally agree with all of this. There's no such thing anyway as a pony that can't or won't spook at some point. I know some can be worse than others, but it sounds to me like she's lost confidence and it wouldn't matter if you put her on a true saint of a horse. I am a good example of this, there's nothing wrong with Zi, but I am too scared to ride anymore. I've lost confidence and once covid has gone (or am I dreaming there?!) I intend to get back on board slowly but steadily. It wouldn't matter if I was loaned the smallest saintliest horse right now, my confidence has gone and that's that. Only way for me to get it back is to work at it again slowly.
(Sorry, I wasn't intending to turn this thread into all about myself I am just thinking out loud and can relate to the situation slightly).
I used to do lots of riding and my own first horse is now retired but a real spook-fest at times. I wouldn't change her for the world and when my confidence was there, none of her little ways bothered me. But I do know I fell off quite a few school horses a few times and they are positively angelic! It's all about how you feel and how your daughter feels. Take away all pressure and as already said, don't threaten her with selling the pony if she doesn't ride. I can't offer up any solution other than what's already been suggested above - does she actually want to ride? Does she really want to work at getting back to where she was? I know I don't - I can't seem me jumping or having a mad canter around the fields on Zi anytime soon. I'd settle for a very laid back pootle. But that's just me. I'm obviously not a child and my reasons for riding are probably different to your daughters. Anyway waffle over.
 
Firstly hello and Merry Christmas 🎄Milmin 😀

You say you daughter loves her. Pony great start . I Lost my confidence after a fall and it took months to restore it but I regained it thanks to advice and support from NR forums. And my local supportive horse friends So it is possible 🤞

You have had some great advice re Rescue Remedy, perhaps getting another rider to give the pony more work. And joining pony club. Also get the pony rythim beads it can help spooky pony relax when ridden.

I have a question or two amd my bit of advice 😀 you say the pony is spooky now does the pony get ridden alone ? Most ponies prefer to be ridden in company or with a foot soldier ie you walking alongside. Is it possible for a friend to ride with you daughters pony to give the pony confidence ?? secondly have you tried lunging the said pony before riding to take some freshness off the pony before grooming and ridden work ? and to get it listening to you via voice commands.

Now to you daughter I know what it feels like to have shattered confidence in a pony who was a saint before and after our fall ( not her fault at all a pheasant flew right under her. Any pony would have spooked at that.) if it was me I would lunge pony then groom and tack up so the pony is calm , give the pony and rider rescue remedy via drop on a treat for pony. Then if you daughter wants to get on and straight off that ok. It’s a massive step if she’s confident to walk on lead rein then do it if she only want to do 5 to 10 paces Then get off let her. Next ride she might just get on and off or do five pace before her confidence goes keep her within her confidence range don’t push her or put preassure on her. Not saying youI are by the way 😀 baby steps at this stage she must be feeling very fragile at the minuet. Also buy book on ground work and help her work through. Some of the exercises for 2 reasons, the first it will build her bond and trust in each other again and help her relax while still loving her pony. Second she and the pony will benifits from ground work it’s not all about riding.
Next i would book a riding instructor who specialises in nervous or novice riders and is simpathetic to your daughters situation.
My last piece of advice and idea is giver her several month off riding altogether but maybe take her to inhand shows, horse agility classes with her pony let her see there is life without riding her pony and she can have fun without riding. I still did inhand etc when I was to fearful to ride. All helps with confidence.

Lastly even if she’s at the baby steps stage you and her join pony club and find a venues where horse events are held go watch lots of events pony club, show jumping dressage etc seeing other riders out there having fun might deep down in her encourage her want to ride and or one day compete again 🤞😀.

Good luck and if you need to chat come back to the forum there’s fabulous support here I know ❤️It helped me when I lost my confidence.
 
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Hi, my heart goes out to your daughter, what an awful thing to have happen. Do you know how she got caught in stirrups (assuming that's how she was dragged)? Was she wearing a boot with a thick heel? We had a bad accident happen with my 11 year old about 6 months ago. The pony took a stumble on a canter and my daughter flew off. It was her second fall, but first serious one. She broke her upper arm, luckily the collar bone and socket issues were avoided. But that night in the Children's Hospital they had her head strapped down to limit movement until they had all the X-rays needed to confirm there was no spinal damage which was really upsetting for her to go through. Luckily there wasn't, and no concussion either. She was wearing all her equipment.

She was rearing to get back on incredibly enough (pun intended!) but when she finally was let back she avoided the canter for a while. I don't think she's lost her tension since then either even though she's back at cantering. And then a few weeks ago she had another fall in a canter turn to a jump but it wasn't serious. Shook her confidence once again though and now she's tense and cautious again, but still cantering. Edited to add I think she may have some PTSD as her school riding instructor said a pony stood on a little boys foot right next to her and she was just frozen instead of pushing it off him as he was screaming so I definitely think she's still got some after effects.

From this experience the only thing I can say is it will take time to recover and I think that timeline looks different for each person. Her cousin (similar ages) had a bad enough fall, nothing even broken though, but he stopped riding altogether and that was a couple years ago.

How about getting those types of stirrups that prevent foot catching in them? Sorry don't know what they're called as I'm new to riding myself but I believe they do exist- perhaps that will reassure? There are also loads of videos online about working through fear and confidence in horse riding, there's an excellent YouTube account called HorseClass with an instructor named Callie, she's fantastic. She even has a whole course on it.

Other than that I recommend working on deep breathing techniques to calm the nervous system and try to relax. I also use lavender essential oil for myself; as a new rider at 40 I would be quite nervous myself! ;) But as we all know stress and tension on a horse is just a recipe for a bad ride... I would also consider trading her spooky pony for a "bombproof" type to help build her confidence again if she's open to that.

Best of luck x
 
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