Worrying myself sick

Rubic

Rubic

Equine Karaoke Queen
Apr 15, 2012
3,771
571
113
Glasgow
I just feel I need to get this out because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this except the person it concerns and my best friend who is a bit ditsy and I'm not sure she quite understands where I'm coming from with this. (it is quite a long story but I'll try and keep it short)

Some of you might remember my post about me spliting up with my OH a month or so ago. So we decided to split up, kept in touch and ended up back together again. I know most of you will be :banghead: at this and I totally understand. At the end of the day I wasn't forced into getting back together with him. We sat and talked about it and he explained that a lot of the issues we were having were probably due to him being really quite unwell (for example the weed-smoking and his general laziness). He has crohns and has been in quite down and in a lot of pain recently and I don't think I realised how bad it was until now.

Anyway, he has been on a waiting list for an operation for what seems like ages now but things were just getting worse and every time he phoned his doctors or tried to get in touch with the people at the hospital he was fobbed off. The doctor said they'd send another letter to the hospital to try to speed things along and he still heard nothing. On Sunday he was really ill, couldn't even really get out of bed. He'd been given another appointment with a different doctor on Monday so I said I'd take a few hours off work and take him over as he shouldn't be driving in that condition. Took him over and the doctor was absolutely disgusted that he'd been left in this condition and hadn't even heard from the hospital because, as far as he was concerned, he should have been in and out of hospital by now. He was surprised OH even made it to the appointment. Doctor said he'd make sure the hospital sped things up. I took OH back to mine where he'd been staying and said that if he needed anything just to give me a call since I only work a 10-15min drive away but he said he'd be fine, he was just going to go to bed. He went to bed but couldn't sleep as he was in too much pain, decided to get up and go to pick up his prescription from the pharmacy, got there, collapsed and ended up in hospital. I came home about 4:45, he wasn't there so I thought he might have got sick of people fussing over him and gone for a walk or gone to get his prescription. I gave him a phone and there was no answer. I went up to the horse being a bit worried but I figured he was just sick of people and his family harrassing him and just wanted a break. Got back home at about 7:45 and he still wasn't there. Phoned his phone and still no answer, I was getting really worried by this point but then the door went and it was him. He'd signed himself out because they'd ran all sorts of tests and basically said they couldn't do anything about it - he'd just collapsed because he hadn't been eating much and he was stressed. Oh and he'd left his phone at mine (it was in the bed under the covers which was why I didn't hear it ring).

He got a letter on tuesday saying he had an appointment at the hospital (not his operation, just an appointment) on the 14th May. Then yesterday they contacted him and told him he was getting taken in today (Thursday) until he gets his operation but they've not said when that'll be. He thinks it'll be in the next couple of days and he'll be out at the start of next week but I don't think they'll operate over the weekend so I don't think he'll be out until the end of next week at the earliest although I do know how they like to get you out asap now.

I'm not coping very well with the whole thing. It has really scared me seeing him so unwell and I feel totally:poop: about what happened on Monday, I feel like I shouldn't have left him. I can't eat without feeling really sick. I was nearly sick after having a tiny dinner last night. I'm getting awful headaches and a general dizzy feeling which I know won't be helped by not eating much. I'm also having panic attacks at night now which I haven't had for years

I'm just really worried, I feel like I don't really know what's going on or what's going to happen. I can't do anything to help. I think he will get sick of me worrying about him if he hasn't already. I have only ever met his grandparents briefly twice and I'm petrified of going to visit him at the hospital especially if the rest of his family who I don't know are there. I think I'd feel really awkward if I went to visit a close relative in hospital and some stranger was sitting there too. I feel like I'd be intruding being the stranger there when they go to visit their son etc. And I'm feeling really selfish for thinking all of this stuff too. It's my birthday next week and I'm sad that the only time I might get to spend with him on my birthday is with him sitting in a hospital bed feeling awful. I think he was a bit upset about that too, I told him it wasn't important because I really don't want him to feel bad about it when he should just be thinking about himself.

Sorry for the long rambling post, I'm just at a bit of a loss. I'm not sure what to do and I can't stop thinking and worrying about the whole thing.
 
Last edited:
Believe me, I know how worrying can make you physically sick. Illness, hospitals and just not knowing what is going on is enough to drive you insane.

I don't really have any answers, you just need to take each day as it comes and do what feels right at the time. If you go to the hospital and his family are there, just introduce yourself as a friend and ask how he is. You don't all need to be there sitting around in an ackward silence. Come prepared to give him some magazines or food, and if you feel really bad then just come back later.

I'm sure that it will all work out. Just try to look after yourself.
 
Thanks MP. I feel a bit better knowing that it isn't just me that does actually gets sick with worry. I've tried to calm down but I can't. I'm hoping that the weather calms down a bit so I can ride tonight because that seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off things.
 
Poor Rubic, and your boyfriend. Thank goodness he is getting something done at last.

I am with MP on this one, having been seriously ill myself in the past and having had a sick child.

Believe me know one knows how scary and horrible it is until they have been their.

Just try and take it day by day, what you are experiencing is a completely normal human reaction. Try your best to eat something, however small, tea and biscuits, soup is easy to get down, as are cereals like rice krispies or porridge. I found going out into the town and grabbing something whilst walking round (whatever you smell cooking and fancy) kept me going at the worst times. Even if you feel sick, shove a little down, really it doesn't matter if you are sick afterwards, this didn't happen to me but I do know people who have been sick. Usually the food does make you feel a wee bit better even if you don't think its going too.

You will probably start to feel a little better once the hospital have got him sorted and the 'storm' has passed so to speak.

The hospital visit will be fine, just introduce yourself, or arrange to go at different times to the relatives if you really can't cope just know. The main thing is that he gets better and all else can be sorted later.

If riding makes you feel better, go for it, take a sandwich with you and eat it on the horse. Once you relax you will feel starving.

I hope everything goes well, keep us posted.
 
Rubic said:
Thanks MP. I feel a bit better knowing that it isn't just me that does actually gets sick with worry. I've tried to calm down but I can't. I'm hoping that the weather calms down a bit so I can ride tonight because that seems to be the only thing that takes my mind off things.
Click to expand...

Yes - riding is the only thing that really takes my mind off things. My son has a serious illness and when he is ill, I get sick! It's horrible and I know that it's a reaction to stress. I'm just not sure how to reduce my stress because when someone you love is in pain, you just want to make them better and sometimes you just can't. All you can do is take each day by day and when times are bad, just hope that tomorrow is better than today!
 
I'm so sorry to read this rubic,sending big hugs to you.
I'm no help I'm afraid adsfar as his illness goes but now things are getting into motion hopfully things will soon be on the up.
As for you stress,try taking calms,they don't help everyone but they did me wonders when I was learning to drive.it would certainly be worth a try.
Riding is a great way to de stress and take your mind off things.not sure if its possible where you are but if you can't ride can you go out for a walk in hand?I do this all the time with malaika and just generally talk the ear off her.been on the move will also help you relax.its great for mind and body I find,I suffer anxiety and walking with malaika in tow really helps.
Again thinking of you and big hugs x
 
Thanks all.

I'm going to go home and try to eat something at lunchtime.

I would take Rubic out for a walk in hand but the yard we are on is really exposed and the wind has been so bad the past couple of days that I wouldn't risk taking her anywhere except from the field to the barn and back especially when I'm not feeling 100%. Hopefully it won't be so bad today. I'll bring her in and give her a groom at least but I'm so easily distracted when I'm grooming and Rubic doesn't usually enjoy standing about for ages with me fussing over her so I'm not sure how effective that'll be! Kalms and rescue remedy don't really work for me unfortunately, I tried taking them when I was stressed out with uni work and exams and I didn't feel any different.

I said to OH to let me know when the visiting hours were and when his relatives wouldn't be there but I don't think he understands how worked up I am about it and I don't want him to think I don't want to visit him so I left it at that. I just don't want the first time I meet his mum to be across his hospital bed.
 
If you need a distraction and idle chatter there are still a few of us about - follow the link in my sig.

Otherwise treat yourself to your favourite food and go hug Rubic.
 
I myself have crohns as you know and know how horrid it can be, and also know just how useless doctors are about it .. always fobbing you off or giving it "oh it will be your crohns, wait and see if it settles" ...

the hospital is the best place for him as they will be there 24/7 to make sure he is ok and is well looked after, and as he is an inpatient I believe he will get his op far quicker, I do hope he feels better soon as I know how awful crohns can make you feel :(,

try not to worry too much he is in the best place for him just now
 
Oh you poor thing - what an awful situation. You've had so much good advice; I can't add to it, except to say don't be scared of his family - I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but if it was my son, I'd be really pleased to meet you, and to know what a nice, caring person you are.
 
It's been nearly 6 months that we've been going out. Is it silly that I'm actually worried that his mum won't like me and will possibly blame me for her son being ill and how he ended up in hospital on Monday. If I'd just gone to get his prescription for him he wouldn't have ended up in hospital without any way to contact anyone and I do feel guilty about that. He stays at mine frequently and his mum calls or texts him every night asking if he is coming home and if I'm looking after him properly. It was funny at the time but now I'm paranoid that she will think I've not been bothered about her son etc. I know that when you are worried about someone you love sometimes reason goes out the window a bit and you want someone to blame and I think I'm just worried about that happening.

I know I'm catastophising and in reality it shouldn't really matter what his mum thinks anyway but I just can't stop my mind racing and it's full of so many different thoughts each more ridiculous than the next. I think I just need to get it all out and calm the hell down!!!
 
Nothing useful to add - just sympathy vibes. Try and eat something - look after yourself as well then you can be there for him when he needs you.
 
I think you're just a touch younger than me, and I wonder (correct me if I'm wrong) if this is one of your first experiences of having to deal heavily with doctors, hospitals, serious health related things. I'm not for one second saying that it will get easier, but it strikes me that if this is your first big experience of it, it can feel very overwhelming.
I've had recent cause to feel this way too. Its not just upsetting, draining and painful for the person who is in pain. It affects the rest of us around the ill person, and we still have to go to work and basically function as normal, ontop of extra duties/ responsibilities because of the illness (and not for one second saying the ill person has it easy in comparison!)

Its really difficult for all concerned, and you know we are here to listen and offer advice, help where we can. I really hope things improve for your man asap. And to some extent, his mum is always going to think she is the only one who can care for him the best. Its a bond thats hard to break. But. You haven't met her yet, so she can't judge you like that, you can prove her wrong!
Take care of yourself mrs and give Rubic a big hug. Go for a ride on your birthday and promise yourself some time of thinking about nothing else but riding.
 
Tricky one here as I totally appreciate how distressing and upsetting it is for you BUT you are not doing yourself or your BF any favours by not eating, over reacting and allowing yourself to also become ill. I dont want to sound harsh, its a stressful time but how can you support someone else if you cant look after yourself?
What ifs are a pointless waste of time and energy; yeah maybe you couldve gone to the chemist, but you would have if he'd asked you to and he didnt, his mum phoning to ask if you are looking after him is down right blooming patronising to both of you - you are his GF not his keeper and he's a grown man and quite frankly its probably a good thing in the long run that he collapsed and got taken to hospital as it least everyone now appreciates the seriousness of the situation and is getting off their arses to do something about it.
You have a few bad days, youve got overwhelmed and scared but now its time to take a deep breath, sort yourself out and start looking after yourself in order to support your boyfriend as best you can. This does not include being a martyr but instead giving yourself some time off and space to do your own thing.
He's in the best place, medical professionals are caring for him, he's your friend but not your responsibility and life goes on. He is likely to need a lot of ongoing support and encoruagement as it seems he finds it difficult to care for himself (and has an overbearing mother???? maybe Im reading that wrong?) but he will never be happy until he is in control of his own life and health - you doing everything and worrying wont help long term.
Best of luck and I wish you well. Hope you dont mind me being honest as know its a tough time but its very much a case of 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going'. Find something positive to do like taking in books or a DS or something for him to do or use your phone to take video messages from his friends to cheer him up.
As for your birthday, yes go visit him (briefly - it is after all YOUR birthday) and spend the time planning something fab to celebrate for you both to look forward to when he gets better :biggrin:
 
Thanks.

I'll be 25 next week. I've had a few run ins with hospitals to be honest but none of them have been very pleasant experiences which doesn't help. I've been in myself for an operation on my shoulder (and lots of visits to A&E), it wasn't urgent and I wasn't ill before but I was ill after as I had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic and no-one came to visit me. It was a really lonely and horrible experience I never want to repeat again. My gran was really ill when I was a teenager but I wasn't really involved in that, just going to visit her but my grandpa died while she was in hospital and I think that is all I relate to hospitals now. It is just frustrating how slow the NHS are to react - it took a whole lot of pestering for a referral to the hospital in the first place, a whole lot more pestering to try to get them to speed things up and get seen by another doctor and they let him get so unwell he had to go to A&E before they eventually saw the light and took him in. He should never have been left to get that ill in the first place and I don't think I'd have been anywhere near as stressed and worried as I am now if they'd been on the ball and sorted him before he got this ill! He has lost so much weight and looks really ill. It is totally overwhelming and I'm not used to coping with stuff like this.
 
annareeves0 said:
Tricky one here as I totally appreciate how distressing and upsetting it is for you BUT you are not doing yourself or your BF any favours by not eating, over reacting and allowing yourself to also become ill. I dont want to sound harsh, its a stressful time but how can you support someone else if you cant look after yourself?
What ifs are a pointless waste of time and energy; yeah maybe you couldve gone to the chemist, but you would have if he'd asked you to and he didnt, his mum phoning to ask if you are looking after him is down right blooming patronising to both of you - you are his GF not his keeper and he's a grown man and quite frankly its probably a good thing in the long run that he collapsed and got taken to hospital as it least everyone now appreciates the seriousness of the situation and is getting off their arses to do something about it.
You have a few bad days, youve got overwhelmed and scared but now its time to take a deep breath, sort yourself out and start looking after yourself in order to support your boyfriend as best you can. This does not include being a martyr but instead giving yourself some time off and space to do your own thing.
He's in the best place, medical professionals are caring for him, he's your friend but not your responsibility and life goes on. He is likely to need a lot of ongoing support and encoruagement as it seems he finds it difficult to care for himself (and has an overbearing mother???? maybe Im reading that wrong?) but he will never be happy until he is in control of his own life and health - you doing everything and worrying wont help long term.
Best of luck and I wish you well. Hope you dont mind me being honest as know its a tough time but its very much a case of 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going'. Find something positive to do like taking in books or a DS or something for him to do or use your phone to take video messages from his friends to cheer him up.
As for your birthday, yes go visit him (briefly - it is after all YOUR birthday) and spend the time planning something fab to celebrate for you both to look forward to when he gets better :biggrin:
Click to expand...

I know what you mean. I'm not not eating on purpose. I'm trying to have bits here and there I just feel incredibly sick when I do and I can't control it, it's just what happens to me when I worry about things. I've always been the type of person to go into meltdown inside but seem very calm and on top of things on the outside. I don't want to go pouring all my worries onto OH when he is ill. I came on here to get the crazy out in the hope it helps calm me down a bit :tongue:

He is perfectly capable of looking after himself and he does. It's only when he started to get really ill that I would make him some food to make sure he was eating or took him to his appointment because it wouldn't have been safe for him to drive. I don't think I've done anything that someone else in my situation wouldn't have done. He doesn't get on particularly well with his mum. He grew up with his grandparents because his mum decided to move away. I think she feels guilty now and is trying to make up for it :unsure: but he feels like she is harassing him constantly about things she knows nothing about and isn't her business.

I got some money through today and was going to treat myself to an ipod because my old one has vanished. I like to listen to music in work and I'm getting sick of using my phone and running the battery down but I thought if I bought that he could use it while he's in hospital and I'm off work. I've also got an idea of a little present to buy him just for a laugh. He doesn't really enjoy reading so magazines and books would probably be wasted on him!
 
Well, scrap all that... the hospital sent him home and said he'd need to wait just like everyoneelse. I feel so bad and so angry for him that he is going to have to sit about waiting for another month or so. I can't believe that they dragged him in, telling him they were going to operate in the next few days only to then change their mind again.
 
Rubic said:
Well, scrap all that... the hospital sent him home and said he'd need to wait just like everyoneelse. I feel so bad and so angry for him that he is going to have to sit about waiting for another month or so. I can't believe that they dragged him in, telling him they were going to operate in the next few days only to then change their mind again.
Click to expand...

Thats the NHS for you! I have to take my youngest son for hearing tests at our hospital. Do you think that we can have the tests and discuss the results on the same appointment? Of course not - we have to come back 3 weeks later to actually speak to a doctor.
 
newrider.com
Top Bottom
Back