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diplomaticandtactful

Well-Known Member
Apr 25, 2003
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My back has been really really bad, spent most of last week bedridden as it's the only place i am comfy, can't sit. Been going on for nearly 2 months, managed to ride last weekend but it's bad again. Weekly osteo still not working, pain relief not working, osteo says that essentially most of it is stress caused by business in serious trouble due to covid-19 and mother living with us for more than six months. The main issue is mother, the business well i can handle if i have to but OH and I are at the end of our tethers with her bad temper, moods, huffs and generally being a total cow one minute and Mrs Smiley the next. We are walking on egg shells the whole time. Never mind her short term memory loss and lack of comprehension, we just answer the same question 20 times in a day and smile. I am in constant pain, osteo says my adrenals are in flight/fight all the time due to the stress and my whole body is sore, my right hip, cramp on left leg, my left knee is playing up again, i am feeling bloated, she says i am just done in and need to look after me. Which is hard to do given where we are with mum.

She can't go home. With lock down, she would be at home with just 4 x 10 minute visits a day (if they show up) 70 miles away. Her cleaner can't go in, and we had arranged for someone to do extra hours, an ex carer of her brother till he died in February but that wouldn't be allowed now as she is freelance only at the moment. OH would have to go up once a week to unload her shopping as she can't do it, but then we would be back into the panic calls in middle of night, emergency doctors etc.

So spend last 3 weeks filling in forms to find her a sheltered flat locally, I won't go into the pallaver involved but it's like dealing with HMRC on steroids. No coordination, no centralisation, get told different things everyone you talk to. Have managed to get her a priority status and last week we were offered two places.

Went to see them, one completely hopeless, 2nd floor in a large complex miles from the entrance, she would be marooned there. If she hit the wrong button on the lift she couldn't read the signs to flat..... and flat...it would take her 20 minutes to get to the exit and no way she could use the communal facilities (if they were open) or the dining room. It is a one bedroom flat which is what she wants. Same providers have a ground floor flat with own entrance in centre of village, we have a bid on it. We have turned down the first one and begged them to give her the second one.

We then went to see another complex, smaller, where they have offered her a studio flat. She doesn't like it, as it has no separate bedroom. It is very nice, good bathroom, lots of storage so no need for wardrobes, looks out onto a garden. She would need to use the lift to first floor - only floor - and it is third flat in, but just about do-able. You could use a piece of furniture like a shelfing unit with base to screen off the alcove it is in (L shaped room) and you would not see the bed. It is quite big area, you could get a double bed in and tables and chair and have the sitting room with all her stuff. They let us see a one bedroom flat on ground floor, which she wants. Yes it is better, but it has been allocated and i have begged them to consider her for it. I doubt they will do it. She has to choose whether a separate bedroom is a deal breaker or not. If she wants a one bedder, there is one inthe big complex and she will never go out from there. If she takes the studio, we can easily take her out.

Tuesday the deadline on the village flat closes and they make a decision on who gets it. If we don't get this or the ground floor at the other place, I feel bad but she really needs to take the other one as we can rule out the large complex as the chances of getting one right at the entrance are zero short term, and the other complex where we were not offered anything (went to two gold priority applicants who have been on waiting list a year) is again in 3 floors and unless she got lucky and got something near lift is probably not going to help.

The flurry of vacancies is probably going to slow down now as they have been catching up due to covid-19. Mum can hardly remember that we went to see those two and can't grasp that she has been offered the studio flat which is ready to go and she could move in NOW once it is carpeted.

I am praying that we get offered both of them (2 separate providers) and can get her moved out. Otherwise i have no idea what the hell we can do as my health is really bad at the moment and OH is having to pick up the strain and he has had enough.

If you get to the end of this well done. I am back up to bed!
 

Huggy

Well-Known Member
Nov 11, 2018
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My back has been really really bad, spent most of last week bedridden as it's the only place i am comfy, can't sit. Been going on for nearly 2 months, managed to ride last weekend but it's bad again. Weekly osteo still not working, pain relief not working, osteo says that essentially most of it is stress caused by business in serious trouble due to covid-19 and mother living with us for more than six months. The main issue is mother, the business well i can handle if i have to but OH and I are at the end of our tethers with her bad temper, moods, huffs and generally being a total cow one minute and Mrs Smiley the next. We are walking on egg shells the whole time. Never mind her short term memory loss and lack of comprehension, we just answer the same question 20 times in a day and smile. I am in constant pain, osteo says my adrenals are in flight/fight all the time due to the stress and my whole body is sore, my right hip, cramp on left leg, my left knee is playing up again, i am feeling bloated, she says i am just done in and need to look after me. Which is hard to do given where we are with mum.

She can't go home. With lock down, she would be at home with just 4 x 10 minute visits a day (if they show up) 70 miles away. Her cleaner can't go in, and we had arranged for someone to do extra hours, an ex carer of her brother till he died in February but that wouldn't be allowed now as she is freelance only at the moment. OH would have to go up once a week to unload her shopping as she can't do it, but then we would be back into the panic calls in middle of night, emergency doctors etc.

So spend last 3 weeks filling in forms to find her a sheltered flat locally, I won't go into the pallaver involved but it's like dealing with HMRC on steroids. No coordination, no centralisation, get told different things everyone you talk to. Have managed to get her a priority status and last week we were offered two places.

Went to see them, one completely hopeless, 2nd floor in a large complex miles from the entrance, she would be marooned there. If she hit the wrong button on the lift she couldn't read the signs to flat..... and flat...it would take her 20 minutes to get to the exit and no way she could use the communal facilities (if they were open) or the dining room. It is a one bedroom flat which is what she wants. Same providers have a ground floor flat with own entrance in centre of village, we have a bid on it. We have turned down the first one and begged them to give her the second one.

We then went to see another complex, smaller, where they have offered her a studio flat. She doesn't like it, as it has no separate bedroom. It is very nice, good bathroom, lots of storage so no need for wardrobes, looks out onto a garden. She would need to use the lift to first floor - only floor - and it is third flat in, but just about do-able. You could use a piece of furniture like a shelfing unit with base to screen off the alcove it is in (L shaped room) and you would not see the bed. It is quite big area, you could get a double bed in and tables and chair and have the sitting room with all her stuff. They let us see a one bedroom flat on ground floor, which she wants. Yes it is better, but it has been allocated and i have begged them to consider her for it. I doubt they will do it. She has to choose whether a separate bedroom is a deal breaker or not. If she wants a one bedder, there is one inthe big complex and she will never go out from there. If she takes the studio, we can easily take her out.

Tuesday the deadline on the village flat closes and they make a decision on who gets it. If we don't get this or the ground floor at the other place, I feel bad but she really needs to take the other one as we can rule out the large complex as the chances of getting one right at the entrance are zero short term, and the other complex where we were not offered anything (went to two gold priority applicants who have been on waiting list a year) is again in 3 floors and unless she got lucky and got something near lift is probably not going to help.

The flurry of vacancies is probably going to slow down now as they have been catching up due to covid-19. Mum can hardly remember that we went to see those two and can't grasp that she has been offered the studio flat which is ready to go and she could move in NOW once it is carpeted.

I am praying that we get offered both of them (2 separate providers) and can get her moved out. Otherwise i have no idea what the hell we can do as my health is really bad at the moment and OH is having to pick up the strain and he has had enough.

If you get to the end of this well done. I am back up to bed!
Wow, you're living between a rock and a hard place, all the time. Trouble is, if your health deteriorates, there'll be no choice but for her to go wherever is available, and she may have no choice. I sympathise, my mum was lovely, but as she started to go downhill, it became much harder. I hope you get one of the places that would be best for you.
 

diplomaticandtactful

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Apr 25, 2003
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Oh well haven't heard about the village one other than finding out that the kitchen is in the sitting room which is a no no for her. So we are back to the studio flat. But of course she now doesn't want to move out at all.
 
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diplomaticandtactful

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Apr 25, 2003
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We are going to have to proceed somehow with the studio flat - it is modern clean and tidy, lots of storage, easy to move into, 3 miles from us....5 minutes down the road. It will take a lot of her stuff, looks out onto a lovely garden, the two flats next to her two ladies in their 80s. Last week and this week nothing to apply for at all, so they have probably cleared the backlog of properties which built up due to covid-19 and now you are back on wait for someone to die or move into a nursing home. The new lockdowns mean that the arrangements we could have made for her to go home are in pieces as the carer who would have provided extra hours would now not be allowed in, ditto her cleaner, so we would have to go up once a week at least to bring in her shopping and clean. I am basically bedridden at the moment, can hardly sit at a desk, so i can't do it, can hardly look after my equines at the moment. And OH can't be running around up there all the time. I think part of the issue is that she has never had to house hunt, she left home when she got married, rented one place then got a brand new council house, lived in it till gran died then moved into gran's council house and we bought it for her. She hasn't been to see the houses i saw as a first time buyer in surrey on a low income. And even when we looked in 2011 the expensive wrecks and hovels we looked at before buying her. Of course even if she takes the studio flat, despite being registered blind, she doesn't want the white walls, the teak doors, all to be repainted sort of thing i would have done but can't at the moment. I doubt we will be allowed to repaint the doors as they may be fire doors.
 

Kite_Rider

Cantering cabbage!
May 18, 2009
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Oh blimey lovely, what a time your having. I really hope that once you’ve managed to move your Mum things will be a bit easier for you. Sometimes although we love our parents it doesn’t stop them driving us crazy, which in turn makes us feel guilty. Sending every spare vibe I can muster for you.
 

diplomaticandtactful

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Apr 25, 2003
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things are coming to a head. The two places in the next village that were of interest, the upper floor flat has been given to a couple and today we managed to look in the downstairs one on which we had pinned great hopes = it is tiny and the kitchen is in the sitting room and she hates it, so that;s out.

We have an offer on a studio flat on 1st floor with a lift and not a long walk from lift, it is a bright and sunny L shaped room where you can disguise the bed in the L shape and there is plenty of room in the rest for all her sitting room furniture. it has an ok kitchen and a very good bathroom. There is a linen cupboard in the hallway and then a huge walk in cupboard that would take all the clothes, freezer, appliances, etc so all you would need in the bed area is the bed, bedside tables etc. there are hanging rails and then a shelf all the away around so lots of places to put stuff. It is south facing and looks onto the garden.

There is a 1 bed flat on ground floor which has been offered to someone else but they haven't confirmed on it, so that is being chased up. It has a separate bedroom which is bigger than the L shape slightly not as good a bathroom, kitchen similar, walk in wardrobe ok maybe not quite as big. It is north facing and looks out onto the carpark and then down the hill to the town if there are no cars parked. It will be darker and you have the issue of folks walking past and looking in, but it is closer to the entrance and opposite the door to the communal lounge so easier to access this.

If we are offered it, she will probably take it, but the other one on the first floor (there is only one upper floor), is lighter brighter and has two ladies in the first 2 flats before this one. We are going back to see both with tape measures, books to lay out bed etc and see how things fit.

It is 3 miles away from us, so easy to access.

I just hope one of them works out.
 

Huggy

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Nov 11, 2018
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things are coming to a head. The two places in the next village that were of interest, the upper floor flat has been given to a couple and today we managed to look in the downstairs one on which we had pinned great hopes = it is tiny and the kitchen is in the sitting room and she hates it, so that;s out.

We have an offer on a studio flat on 1st floor with a lift and not a long walk from lift, it is a bright and sunny L shaped room where you can disguise the bed in the L shape and there is plenty of room in the rest for all her sitting room furniture. it has an ok kitchen and a very good bathroom. There is a linen cupboard in the hallway and then a huge walk in cupboard that would take all the clothes, freezer, appliances, etc so all you would need in the bed area is the bed, bedside tables etc. there are hanging rails and then a shelf all the away around so lots of places to put stuff. It is south facing and looks onto the garden.

There is a 1 bed flat on ground floor which has been offered to someone else but they haven't confirmed on it, so that is being chased up. It has a separate bedroom which is bigger than the L shape slightly not as good a bathroom, kitchen similar, walk in wardrobe ok maybe not quite as big. It is north facing and looks out onto the carpark and then down the hill to the town if there are no cars parked. It will be darker and you have the issue of folks walking past and looking in, but it is closer to the entrance and opposite the door to the communal lounge so easier to access this.

If we are offered it, she will probably take it, but the other one on the first floor (there is only one upper floor), is lighter brighter and has two ladies in the first 2 flats before this one. We are going back to see both with tape measures, books to lay out bed etc and see how things fit.

It is 3 miles away from us, so easy to access.

I just hope one of them works out.
Oh I so hope it works out for you. You sound like you need a lucky break, and this may be it - everything crossed for you.
 
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diplomaticandtactful

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Apr 25, 2003
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1601708095364.pngWe were offered this yesterday it is the tiny flat in the village which she rules out totally as the kitchen is in the sitting room and it is very small overall. She is now talking about going home - impossible - going into a nursing home (even smaller rooms which won't be funded as they believe she can still function well enough in the community with support). Her short term memory is dreadful, half the time it goes in one ear and out the other. Yesterday she said she was very happy living here and didn't want to move out - so why do you have a face like a wet weekend all the time? I really have to get her out of here, she does this thing every evening, you could set your watch by it, sitting in chair, leans forward head in hands as if in despair. Every night she tells the cat off for rubbing against her leg, again you could time it. She is really doing my head in. If she goes home she will be abandoned as at the moment my back won't do 4 hours in the car regularly. Depressed and down, no idea what happens next.
 

carthorse

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Jan 6, 2006
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Are you sure she doesn't have early dementia/Alzheimers? My apologies if she already has a diagnosis of it. If she does would that be enough for her to get a funded place in a residential home since combined with being registered blind it may be grounds for saying she can't cope on her own, particularly in the evening when for some reason sufferers are often worse.
 

diplomaticandtactful

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Apr 25, 2003
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Are you sure she doesn't have early dementia/Alzheimers? My apologies if she already has a diagnosis of it. If she does would that be enough for her to get a funded place in a residential home since combined with being registered blind it may be grounds for saying she can't cope on her own, particularly in the evening when for some reason sufferers are often worse.
She doesn't meet criteria, she can get up, wash, dress, she was assessed by a social worker a week ago who put forward a care package for her in the community of 4 visits a day. While she is registered blind, she has partial sight - amazing what she can see when she wants to and what she can't when she is in a mood like throwing my phone at me as she couldn't see a picture on it yesterday. She lobbed a phone at me when we were trying to organise dad's funeral so i just got up and came home and left her to it while she airbrushed me from it completely, didn't even select a menu with anything on it that i could eat, just to be spiteful (I brought sandwiches just in case). She thinks a residential home is like a hotel, and the crummy flat she has just refused is about 3 x the size of what she would get in a home. I don't think she has early dementia/Alzheimers given how many doctors and specialists she has seen in the last 2 years including geriatric care. Her long term memory is very good, her short term memory is getting worse and her joining the dots ditto. Her temper and huffs are bad but then she has been like that all the 64 years i have known her. She can switch from sunny to wet weekend like the drop of a hat for no reason - but that's how she has always operated, using it to get her own way. Her memory may also be that half the time she is on transmit rather than listen. We have found and been offered a perfectly nice studio flat, in a nice small complex, 5 minutes from us, it is bright and clean, south facing, and could be made very nice. She would have carers coming in 4 times a day, more than at home, plus the flats next to her two ladies of her age, so potential to meet and make friends. Most people would jump at it. We would continue to take her out with us multiple times a week, have her for meals but just not have her living with us. To me that sounds a reasonable option but the mum is not very reasonable a lot of the time.
 

chunky monkey

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May 2, 2007
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...la la land
Im sorry you are having a tough time. To me if someone needs carers in 4 times a day. They are not able to function properly. Your mum sounds like one of those thats being slipped through the system, because she has some ability. Have you applied for carers/attenendance allowance. It maybe something she doesn't qualify for. I know the forms are long winded and very repeditive, but it might be worth it if shes having carers in.

I know someone that had to get her father moved to care near her. Because it came under different areas and councils they were singularly unhelpful. They will only search for care within the area the patient lives. So if you are family that live further away and want the relative near you, you are almost on your own in finding something.
 

diplomaticandtactful

Well-Known Member
Apr 25, 2003
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Im sorry you are having a tough time. To me if someone needs carers in 4 times a day. They are not able to function properly. Your mum sounds like one of those thats being slipped through the system, because she has some ability. Have you applied for carers/attenendance allowance. It maybe something she doesn't qualify for. I know the forms are long winded and very repeditive, but it might be worth it if shes having carers in.

I know someone that had to get her father moved to care near her. Because it came under different areas and councils they were singularly unhelpful. They will only search for care within the area the patient lives. So if you are family that live further away and want the relative near you, you are almost on your own in finding something.
She hasn't slipped through the system, she has had more assessments, geriatric care appointments, opthalmic folks come out etc. Her own gp used to come in just to see her every 2-3 weeks. We have had demos arranged of every gadget under the sun that might improve her quality of life, including a £3,000 thingy that would have read letters, books to her but she tried it once and refused to use it again. we have countless gadgets which would help her but she won't use them. When she was at home she had carers come in first thing in case she needed help getting up, mainly she needs help with her medication. Then at lunchtime, late afternoon and 8pm. She can wash dress and walk (if she chooses to) and she had a stairlift at home so she could take washing up and down stairs. The carers give her breakfast lunch and dinner or leave it so she can help herself later on. They try to encourage folks to stay active rather than dump them in a care home where they just sit in their room or in the lounge. She has attendance allowance already but won't spend it on paying for extra care (like most folks who get it they see it as spending money rather than to pay for care, instead they expect free care from the family - she uses it mainly to blow £300 on sending flowers to everyone in her address book..... If she had been at home, I had someone lined up to come in every day, to do more, take her out etc but she wouldn't pay for it at £10 an hour. She looked after my uncle till he died when he was in care and quit her job and wanted to just do 2-3 people privately so it would have been ideal, though of course now with the new restrictions, she and the cleaner wouldn't have come in. She had a hairdresser come in once a week and someone come in to do her nails etc. We have gone through the process of having her care package transferred to here, ready to go, so 4 visits a day, longer ones than at home, plus 2 days a week someone come in for an hour just to chat and make tea. We have gone through all the hoops of registering her with the housing associations that offer stuff locally and got her Gold Priority, and been offered so far three places. Which is pretty good going from a standing start. Lots of paperwork to do but done it all.
 
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