The pressure on 'non drinkers'!

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins

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Oct 10, 2004
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So as some of you will know, after a very drunken episode in early December, I took a long hard look at my drinking habits and decided to kick the booze completely. Other than a few glasses of wine on Xmas day, and a bottle shared with my husband on my birthday, we have both given up drinking. We have had no wine opened in the house for 8 weeks now, and when we have been out we have had soft drinks. This is a huge change from the 5-6 bottles of wine we were sharing on a weekly basis!

Now what I find hard is the huge pressure from friends and family to drink. They have realised that I'm not pregnant or suffering from an illness (which they initially thought) and now they think that I have gone nuts to change my behaviour so much. Yes, I was a heavy drinker, but is it really so weird that I have given up? I went to the pub with some friends on Friday night and I had people buying me wine, bringing me glasses to share their wine and going on and on and on about my drinking. It made me feel really sad that they didn't seem to want to be around me if I wasn't drinking. Am I no fun unless I have had a drink? What does it matter if I drink or not? Why does everything think it's so strange? I feel like I have grown green horns out of my head and am now a complete social outcast!
 
I know several people who have rarely or never drunk as long as I have known them, and others who have chosen to stop who people knew as drinkers. The drinkers who stop get a lot of pressure whereas the people who never drank are not pressurised at all. I found the same when I stopped smoking: I was hassled endlessly by my smoking friends but those people never tried to make non-smokers start smoking! The only conclusion I could come to is that people who quit make people who continue feel guilty!! So they want you to stay in the drinking circle to make themselves better about their own drinking. This may not even be conscious, I don't think. Once people have got used to you as a non drinker I think it will just stop being an issue. Congratulations by the way!
 
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Hahhaaa, I can sort of relate to your feelings atm. I was once a ridiculous drinker, back in the 90's I consumed far too much, resulting in a lot of problems both work wise and on a personal basis. But, at the time I loved the lifestyle and enjoyed being the last woman standing at any social gatherings. I knew how to party a bit too much. Now forward to 2004 when I discovered horses again. After a lifetime of longing I finally was able to have regular lessons and then become an owner and suddenly everything changed. I just didn't want to drink heavily any more. I enjoyed the whole horsey lifestyle so much it seemed (and still does) criminal almost to waste beautiful mornings and late starry evenings. Things you just don't feel up to with a thick head from the night before! My old friends more or less made it clear they weren't going the same way and tbh I don't see much of them now as they have no interest in anything other than social drink gatherings. I think my OH's family were shocked and have found it hard to accept as they are quite big drinkers and have been very stubborn over the past few years, insisting that we will "grow" out of it! I think MIL thinks its just a phase her son is going through! He too was a heavy drinker and has no interest at all now in getting drunk. He values his days too much!
It is annoying when folk don't accept it, but just stick with it and they will have to. We've found a happy medium and still enjoy the odd weak lager!lol
 
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Thank you both. My problem is that once I start drinking I find that I have no will power to stop. But if I don't start drinking then I can easily go without it.

It's fair to say that with this group of friends we are well known for getting drunk when we go out. They all got drunk on Friday and I had a good time without the drink as I really don't need to be drunk to talk to my friends. But they really did go on about it, not only on the night but over the next few days. They all seem to think that once I have got this 'no drinking' phase out of my system I will be back on the booze again. I keep getting told that I am a 'good girl' which is very patronising and irritating. I wish that they understood what effect the heavy drinking was having on me, and that I really needed to do something about it. They don't understand because they all drink as much as I did and think that it's normal behaviour. I guess you make friends with like minded people.

I feel so much better without it. I'm sleeping 100 times better which means that I can go to bed later and therefore get more of an evening. I'm a better mum as I'm more organised and have more energy at the weekends and we are saving about £150 per month. On Friday night I spent a grand total of £4.50 where I previously would have spent about £30. I just wish my friends were more supportive. My husband has been fantastic though - he has kicked the booze with me and is loving our new lifestyle as well.
 
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Assuming it is guilt driven is the most charitable explanation. Because otherwise the behaviour is bizarre! Who would make someone stay engaged in a behaviour that was problematic for them if they were thinking clearly? And why does anyone care what you drink? It's not as if you are standing on tables declaiming the evils of drunkenness!! Would people pick apart your dining choices? Insist you have to have steak not fish, or beef not chicken? Of course not. But people DO get hassled for not eating pudding. I happen to not like pudding. But everytime I say no thanks to pudding, someone will always say 'Oh go on, it's a treat', or 'aren't you good' or 'ooh perhaps I better not'. So my choice is making them feel bad about their choice. But I don;t care what others do and I'm not being GOOD. I am simply exercising my choice as an adult about what to eat, drink, wear etc!!!! It will stop. People will just forget you were ever a drinker and it will just become as normal. to everyone else as it already feels to you.
 
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I think its very sad that your do called friends are being so silly about your decision not too drink, they should be applauding you for sticking to what is best for you. I don't drink and cab honestly say none of my friends care one way or another. Maybe you will find they either accept your choice or you need to find some real friends who will support not try to sabotage.
 
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That's very true about the pudding! I guess people like to feel good about their choices and if everyone else is acting in the same way then it makes it more acceptable to do the same.

My friends are 'real' friends, but I think that they just don't understand my change in behaviour and they think it's out of character for me. It's the whole drinking culture thing. We don't go to the pub and just have a couple of drinks, we go to the pub and order several bottles of wine and drink them as quickly as possible, then stumble home and spend a few hours being sick and the whole weekend hung over! I know that I should know better and my age and it's not like we do it every weekend, but we have never really gone out for a simple quiet drink, or a coffee. It's always been focused around several bottles of wine. People who don't drink don't tend to come along as I guess they don't really enjoy being surronded by drunks. We are all as bad as each other and I can understand why they think it's odd that I have suddenly changed. I never thought that this level of drinking was excessive before, but suddenly I realise that it really is.

I think that I need to find a new direction and see if my friends will come along. Perhaps something noval like the cinema or theatre? Maybe they will, or maybe you are right in that I will have to find some new friends. All I know is that I'm not going back to drinking like that again.
 
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Mary Poppins said:
It's the whole drinking culture thing.

I think that I need to find a new direction and see if my friends will come along. Perhaps something noval like the cinema or theatre? Maybe they will, or maybe you are right in that I will have to find some new friends. All I know is that I'm not going back to drinking like that again.
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My OH has this problem about this country - there is definately a drinking culture, its that if you want to go out and meet your friends you go meet at a pub or restaurant, when he living was in California, and I suspect its because there were so many students around him that couldn't drink, it was easy to go out on a Friday night and sit over refills of coffee instead (not great for the caffeine addiction obviously but..) My OH can't manage more than a drink or two without him feeling ill and the same with a couple of colleagues so there is never any mention of not drinking when we go out, its often a bonus to have a driver around!!. perhaps once they see its not a phase then they will back off?
 
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Sorry MP I didn't mean your friends were not real, I guess what I meant was that if they were true friends they would be maybe more understanding but maybe they just care in a different way and are genuinely worried about your change in behaviour.
I too have friends who don't get the no pudding thing but mostly as admitted by them they are just a tiny bit envious that I don't feel the need to eat pudding or cake when we go out.
I hope your friends will enjoy your company at the theatre or the cinema or wherever in stead and start to realise that you are making the change for your own health and wellbeing. Sorry I never meant to offend.
 
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I agree on pressure to drink in company and also pressure to eat for that matter.
If you were part of a social alcohol drinking group and dont want to drink any more, I would give a bit of a white lie to it and make it personal - say your GP thinks it might be best for you. Particularly as you have a strong horse to handle and need to be fit for that.
And that your OH has stopped drinking too, to support you? Even if your doctor hasnt said anything yet and might not as doctors may be heavy drinkers themselves, but the time you reach 70 you could have had real liver problems - Like my old friend. It is probably the giving up and big change they resent - making them feel they should do the same. Whereas if you are consistent saying no, the hope is it will all fade.
I am slightly serious about drinking and horses. As the family historian, I looked at the details of when my gt aunt was killed with her horse and noticed it was the day of a family wedding. The date and time made me wonder if he knocked her over and kicked her, after she had had a glass or two. I havent said anything to any of the family. So please dont press me on this.

And by the way as a non-rider most of my life, it horrifies me how the young women staff on the yards all smoke. Never met anything like it elsewhere.
 
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If I am going for a big night out, it always does put the kibosh on it a bit if someone isn't drinking though. You can't really let your hair down and be silly in a drunken way if there are sober people present! You always feel like they might be judging! Obviously this doesn't apply to a couple of drinks with mates, and I don't drink more than a glass on those nights anyway as I have to drive, but I am definitely guilty of being the person who says 'go on, a tiny glass of wine won't hurt, I'll buy you one!' I love wine, I can't understand why anyone would want to give it up! ;)
 
Mary Poppins said:
That's very true about the pudding! I guess people like to feel good about their choices and if everyone else is acting in the same way then it makes it more acceptable to do the same.

My friends are 'real' friends, but I think that they just don't understand my change in behaviour and they think it's out of character for me. It's the whole drinking culture thing. We don't go to the pub and just have a couple of drinks, we go to the pub and order several bottles of wine and drink them as quickly as possible, then stumble home and spend a few hours being sick and the whole weekend hung over! I know that I should know better and my age and it's not like we do it every weekend, but we have never really gone out for a simple quiet drink, or a coffee. It's always been focused around several bottles of wine. People who don't drink don't tend to come along as I guess they don't really enjoy being surronded by drunks. We are all as bad as each other and I can understand why they think it's odd that I have suddenly changed. I never thought that this level of drinking was excessive before, but suddenly I realise that it really is.

I think that I need to find a new direction and see if my friends will come along. Perhaps something noval like the cinema or theatre? Maybe they will, or maybe you are right in that I will have to find some new friends. All I know is that I'm not going back to drinking like that again.
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I am like this with my best friends from home - it's like we revert to being 18 again when we're together! It's OK once in a while but would kill me if we did it every weekend! I find heavy nights out boring now actually but I am the only one of my friends from home who is still married so have no interest in getting drunk in order to talk to/snog men! Anyway someone has to stay relatively sober to sort out the taxi home and stop them snogging 18 year olds! (Yes, it really IS just like being 18 all over again!) I hate heavy hangovers at weekends. I drink most nights but only have one or two glasses of wine, I'm not really a binge drinker. I think old friends expect you to act in a certain way and don't want you to change - or grow up, because then they might have to!
 
I'm afraid the comments won't completely go away, you get used to ignoring them though! I've been tee-total for 9 years and most of the people who know me these days have only ever known me as a non-drinker - yet for some reason they still feel the need to offer me a drink at any possible opportunity and do the whole "go on go on go on" thing when I say no. I don't get it... if someone offers me a Coke and I say "no thanks I don't drink Coke" the conversation just moves on, if someone offers me a glass of wine and I say "no thanks I don't drink" they feel compelled to push me to change my mind. Why? What is it about not drinking alcohol that people find so difficult to accept? I don't judge people for choosing to drink so why do they think it's ok to judge ME for MY choice?
 
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CONGRATULATIONS !!! I am thrilled your husband is also supporting you !!!!
I have never been a drinker. I don't like the taste of any of it. I could also never not have my total wits about me.
I could never understand people coming in on Monday am "I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME I GOT SOOOOOO DRUNK
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID"" what how was that fun- how do you know you had fun if you can't remember.
I think a lot of what people said on this thread may be true - they feel guilty with the drinking.
I got pushed to drink in school I always had something better to do. I had my pony and would go right there after shcool
and would get from the crowd drinking off behind the school "oh there goes ANNIE OAKELY" meaning to slam me.
I just ignored it.
I did one time only borrow an ID to get into a club and my date was totally pissed at me because I was only drinking diet coke
and he had to pay a cover charge to get me in.
LOL that was also the only date with that jerk!

As a kid I was almost squished by a drunken uncle at a family gathering. He always got stinking drunk at those kind of things
and was stammering around and just missed falling on me . He just missed me and he was a really big heavy person. It totally scared me and freaked me out.

If they are real friends they won't keep this up forever. If they do find new ones.

Someone mentioned smoking at the yards.
I have also never smoked and never taken any drugs-- was once told "well how do you have fun""
MY HIGH IS MY HORSES!!! LOL they totally did not understand- oh well your loss.

But here too places I have taken lessons or had Andi at for some training it almost seemed that it was a pre requisite to working at these places whether it was the instructor or person mucking stalls etc THEY ALL SMOKED AND WERE NEVER WITH OUT A CIGARETTE
IN THEIR MOUTHS!!

It really bothered me when sometimes it was not just outside the door and near stalls- hay= while riding in the indoor /
Fire was a really really big fear for me .

Sorry to say this but If I had a place that I was boarding horses etc etc etc or just people coming to ride with me
There is no smoking on the property. PERIOD!
I really don't have any friends that smoke thank goodness.


Before smoking in workplaces was relegated to either outside in a special area or banned totally.
I worked for years on the other side of a cubical wall from a person who smoked like a chimney all day long!!
I could not get my desk changed and she smoked up the whole area anyway so no place was much better.
Right about the time she retired smoking was not allowed in the office.
It was horrible to be choking on her smoke all day.
 
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Just say I'm driving and then all bets are off.

In Scotland the blood alcohol levels are so low now to get a conviction, one drink is enough to put someone over, and easily put you over next morning on a heavy drinking night.
 
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Wally said:
Just say I'm driving and then all bets are off.
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Yes what a great idea Wally. What can they say to that Mary Poppins oh" DRINK " Any way!:eek:

I know our levels have gone down here a lot too but you still get the idiots on the road:mad:and on top of driving drunk
and causing accidents=== Half the time they don't even have a valid drivers lic anymore.:eek::eek::eek::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:.
Who knows how lot it may have been going on that they had not gotten into an accident to be caught.
 
I can't really say that I'm driving as I can see the pub from my house. It only takes about 30 seconds to walk there!

Now the problem is that everyone who has been doing 'dry January' is making plans for drunken February!
 
I think lots of people who do Dry January are secretly concerned about their drinking and are proving to themselves they can cope and are in control. So a Dry January means guilt free binge drinking for the other 11 months!
 
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