Returning to work after having a baby - The Guilt.

[Ruskii]

OH and I have always had a sketchy plan that I would return to my old job after my Mat leave ended. My old job is full time, I enquired about it being part time back earlier in the year with my boss and was told no due to the size of the team I manage, but a less senior position could maybe be possible.

Came away to think about and thought that I wouldnt particularly like to do that (given who my new manager would be), and would give full time work a go back in my old role.

With one thing and another the time is now drawing near about me returning to work and having to let my employer know for certain about what I'm going to do.

I'm really really torn, part of me does want to return to work, but not that particually happy with my daughter being in child care for all that time. Now I should add at this point, that she'll be 14 months when she starts going to nursery and it'll be for 3 mornings a week to start off with, and I thought going up to 5 days when she is 19 months old (nursery day will be 9 - 3).

OR there is an option of me just stopping work altogether for 2 years, carry on with my studies, but I would still put her in nursery but for 2 mornings only a week, no more. And possibly look to do something from home. But if I do this, how hard will it be for me get my foot back on the ladder after having that time off, it's hard enough for women my age to get a job, as it's screams - '30, only here til she has another child, earmark her for possible unreliability for child illnesses etc' especially if I have dropped to part time work.I know this is the attitude as I hear it ALL the time in the profession I'm in.

Both options are going round and round in my head and I'm finding it harder to make my mind up, I'm set on returning to work one minute, giving it a go then thinking, nah Baby J needs her mum at home.

I suppose it doesnt help that I dont know anyone at all with a youngster who has put them in nursery nearly full time and returned to work, those that have returned have nearly always gone back part time, or if full time, their child is only in nursery for 2 days a week max with their family helping out with child care. Which is not a viable option in my case.

Just having a ramble really, but would appreciate any experiences from other NR mummies who have had a baby, did you return to work ? Or stay at home ?

On the up side, I have a fabulous husband who is taking over child care whilst she is still young whilst I return to work (for when she is not in nursery), and I'm able to keep my horse, but even that is having a question mark due to how much spare time (if any) once I make my mind up.
It's hard to know what the best thing to do is

ETA : Only one baby in this household as well no more planned !

 

[Innocence]

I went back to work after 3 months and put both my kids with a private childminder to start with then moved them into FT nursery when they were two. They loved it as they got to socialise with other children and get out and about etc.

I too needed to get back to work to engage in some adult conversation. I love my kids to bits but i feel they benefitted more from being around other children as it helped them learn quicker with speech etc.

My daughter is exceptionally bright and occasionally been called gifted and my son's speech has come on leaps and bounds since starting nursery. They also learn to share and play nicely in a group.

Personally i would go back to work FT but that is me, it just depends on how you feel as a mother and whether you could afford not to work or even go PT.

I did find it harder to leave my daughter because she was my 1st born and i was/am very protective of her but she thrived being with the childminder.

 

[Chiicken]

I'm on the other side of the coin. My son is 20 months now and I just couldn't face returning when my maternitiy leave ended.

I just think that no time you spend with your child is going to be time you regret, but time spent at work you MAY (and I really stress the word "may", because you may not, we're all different).

But then I don't plan on having any more children so I suppose I see my son's first few years as the only time I'm going to have to worry about this sort of thing!

At the end of the day you've got to do what's best for you and your family, and only you can really decide what that is. Deep down I'm sure you know the answer, you shouldn't feel guilty whatever it is. Good luck anyway xxx

 

[scotnut]

Can I just say and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty but hope it might help make your mind up. I'm pregnant and have had the very good fortune to be able to stop work. I will be helping out with my OH's business at some point but just now I spend the majority of my time bringing everything up I eat and falling asleep! I really wanted to say though that my mum worked full time forever, it wasn't her choice it was just circumstance, but I feel my relationship with her isn't as good as my friends who had their parents at home for at least the majority of their childhood. Yes there were other issues but I wish I could have had the opportunity to come home to my mum and share my day at nursery/school/friends with her, talked through the little things that are so important in your childhood, that you will never get back. Life isn't all about career and money, it's about living and enjoying the things that are important. I'm sure you'll make the right choice for you, It's a tough one!

Good luck x

 

[daisysp8]

I didn`t go back to work either, we`re not loaded financially by any stretch (in fact quite the opposite) but i wouldn`t have changed it for the world.

I loved being a stay at home mum, and seeing all the "firsts" that brings, i don`t feel like i`ve missed out on any of his growing up. Now he`s at school (he`s 5) i`m thinking of going back to work.

Those first few years were just so important to me, i didn`t want to miss out.


I understand everyone is different and what works for me might not work for someone else, you need to do what feels right for you x

 

[Mary Poppins]

I went back to work full time when my son was 15 months old and he went into full time nursery care. He was dropped off at 8am and picked up between 3pm and 4pm each day. So many people were judgemental for me doing this and I had lots of comments about returning to work full time with the implication that I was either too skint to stay at home, or too dreadful a mother to want to stay at home.

At the time it was the right thing for me to do. I worked hard to get my job and I enjoyed it. My son loved nursery, the staff were fantastic and I always made sure I had quality time with him every day. I was constantly on the go though - up at 5:30am to get himself and me ready for the day, and non stop with work and then home for full on play/attention until he went to bed at 7pm and I fell into bed by 9pm. I was tired but I was happy.

My little man has developed so much at nursery, we are very close and I have a fantastic relationship with him. I'm about to give birth to baby number 2 and things at work are not so good for me right now (I'm thinking of sueing them for pregancy related discrimination!) so the future in my current job may not be certain. But next year, I will get another job and this will probably be full time because if I want the salary and responsibility of a certain grade then it has to be.

The first few weeks are the worst and you will feel guilty. Yes babies do grow up quickly but you have to consider their welfare for their whole life as well. If I gave up work for 5 years there is no way that I would return to the position that I am in now and that means that our financial stability will not be there at a time where we will need it most. I want to be able to provide for my children as they get older and even though I have the most fantastic husband in the world I don't want to rely on him for money or stability. I need to know that if we were to separate than I could afford to provide a decent standard of living for my family without his help. I have seen too many once independant people trapped in marriages because they have lost their ability to earn cash for themselves and I don't want this to happen to me.

I would give full time work a try - if you don't enjoy it and find that it is not for you then you can make changes then. If you find the right people to take care of your child then this makes it 1000 times easier.

 

[Innocence]

Picking up on what someone else said about their relationship being really good with their child because they were a stay at home mum. I do have to make clear that although i have worked full time since my kids were 3 months old, i have a fantastic relationship with them both, they can tell me everything, are very close and i always make time for them on an evening and weekends are purely for them (with a little bit of the horses chucked in).

So i guess what i am trying to say is that whether you are a stay at home mum or work FT it really doesn't matter, it is how you are with your children when they are around and any parent can have a bond/close relationship with their kids as long as the love and time is there (not disputing exceptions though).

 

[kayjayhorses]

I have a 2yr old boy, and I didn't return to work and have loved every minute of it, to see every step of his progress 1st hand is wonderful. To have never seen his 1st step or 1st word would have made me so sad.

When I had him the Mid Wife put me in touch with 3 other Mums, 2 of which returned to work, me and the other Mum stayed home full time, I'm sorry but you can see a big difference in how settled the ones who have Mum's at home are.

They have confidence, their speech is more advanced as they are with adults all the time and pronounce words better, the 2 which Mums work cry everyday when they are left, when they are with Mum they cling to her incase she leaves, they always say to me dont you want atleast one monring where you want to be without him and I say no, he really is so settled that he doesn't cause me a second of trouble, the other 2 need naughty steps and have done for months I've never had to do that with mine. He helps me with my jobs at home, comes shopping, have days out, helps with the horses, we go to the park, he has swimming lessons, musical mini's class, feed the ducks and never once does he play up. Unfortunately both mum's HAVE to work but if they didn't they would choose to stay home too.

My boy has so much confidence he will go off and play, we make sure he has other children to play with, and when its time to go home from somewhere fun, the other 2 scream and cry, my little one just comes along without a fight. Our relationship is very special and I think thats down to the fact I'm with him all the time, I had the same relationship with my Mum as a child and I'm so glad I did. He does go and stay with Nanny and Grandads sometimes so we aren't joint at the hip! lol

I always think you have to enjoy every minute of life, they are only little for what seems a short amount of time before they head off to school so in my mind I want to enjoy these years as you will never get them back, I'm very lucky that I didn't have to return to work but then I did wait to have children at the right time so I did have that option.

 

[Billy]

My mum worked as soon as she could, she's a nurse so went onto night shifts at the hospital two nights a week, so she cared for us during the day, and my dad cared for us those nights of the week when she was working. As soon as we were school age she took a job as a school nurse so she had the same hours as us and the same holidays.

When she was working nights it was hard work but my parents couldn't afford her to stay at home, or afford daycare. I guess they were lucky that her profession is one that having babies doesn't cause too much of a problem, as there are many avenues you can go down.

So she's always worked, and it's given me a lot of respect for her and we are very close. It also makes me very keen to be financially independent, and I think I'll always want to work. I don't think I could be a stay at home mum. At least not for too long.

 

[Claire1605]

I stayed with my mum as a child until I went to school, at which time, it was such a shock that I found it very hard to settle.

Both my sons went to nursey as having our own business, I had to get back to work.

Both settled very well into nursery and I think it helped ease them into school when they started.

It's a hard situation but a lot of mums don't get a choice what to do.

My youngest started nursery when he was four months old, but at the time, although I didn't want to go back to work, I had no choice. I found it very hard leaving him so young.

I don't think it has done either of them any harm though.

 

[Claire1605]

I have a 2yr old boy
.

Do you think you will have any more?

My eldest was a complete saint, sounded very similar to yours, up until the age of 4 when my youngest was born. Then he changed, competition had arrived you see

Now they fight all the time and are bl**dy hard work. Love 'em.

Wouldn't change 'em for the World though!

 

[Libbylou]

I worked part time with the eldest and found this a happy medium, it would be my preferance again with youngest.

Im lucky enough to not have to work but am now in the postiotion that he is 9 months old and I think a few mornings/afternoons in a nursery would do him the world of good. I really do think this helps when it comes to school.

My eldest went full time nursery when he was 4 and he was happy to start school unlike those who had never left their parents sides were screaming not to be left.

I also notice with my eldest that his speech, reading and maths is really good and I think nursery helped him learn so much more that I could have being at home with him.

Him being at nursery also gave me some me time which I think is important to stay sane and to then be in a postition to do one to one things instead of thinking "please just leave me alone" ...... or maybe thats just me