Really weird day today, I am struggling

Tina2011

Tina2011

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Mar 23, 2012
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I feel really odd today. Its been building up for the last three days. Everything is fine. The horses are fine and settled, everything is ok.

I made a big effort this morning, first day totally free, to pack up the stuff, get up the horses and have a horsey day. I got there and totally konked out.

It was like I couldn't move. I love my horses and have been building myself up to days like this, the sun was shining, all was right with the world and then I just couldn't move, its totally weird. I haven't had a drink for ages but it was so bad I tried that too, but it did not work. Its so hard to explain, mental illness is really sh.t.

I decided, after two hours of sitting that I would be better going home. I got home and my son told me I was 'pathetic' 'Ouch' that did not help.

Its a very difficult and challenging thing this mental illness. Just an off load, I feel terrible, unhappy and lonely, I wish I had the answers but I don't, I just keep fighting. I hope tomorrow is better.
 
Aww Tina, don't know what to say really, just sending you a big (((((((HUG))))))))
Don't be so hard on yourself, give yourself time, you may be feeling crappy today but you WILL feel better soon. Sometimes you may feel like sitting for two hours, reading your posts I think mostly you do not sit for two hours!
Sometimes I go to my field and dither about whether I should ride or not, end up talking to myself too!
Tomorrows another day Tina xxx
 
Aw thanks dizzy. I don't know why I posted really its just so odd. I feel really guilty when I stop. So much to do. All that cold weather and now its lovely and I am knackered lol.
 
Hope you are feeling better soon! Nothing wrong with just chilling out and watching your horses if you can't manage anything else :) hope you ignored your son!
 
I can't offer up any wisdom, but just wanted you to know that I sort of understand. OH suffers from mild depression (that's what the gp classes it as) and is on long term medication because of it, the meds do help though, I have to say, even though they are only mild they are helping. Might it be worth you seeing your gp for a chat and getting a little help? There's no shame in it you know. I think after all the things that go on in our lives sometimes we need a bit of help - either medically or counselling?
Some days are better than others though - and I understand where you are coming from. As already said, don't push it - if you just feel like being around your horses and watching them, that's enough isn't it? Life is far too full of "should be doings" and such. I think sometimes just basking in what you have should be enough - and enjoying. I know you've been through a lot lately too, and I know sometimes it isn't always easy to enjoy the here and now. But if you want my advice, I'd just try and relax. And maybe if you still feel down in another few days, see your gp. Take care of yourself. Txxxxx
 
Tina please don't beat yourself up and ignore your son!
I know that feeling all too well having suffered manic depression for years.I have it under control now but do have the odd day where I just don't want/or cant move then I have days which thankfully are most now that I'm grand.I learnt that fighting against it was the worst thing to do,I just go with it now if I just want to sit and chill I do,nothing wrong with it and certainly no shame in it.I think the fact you got to the yard is a huge step,and sitting with your horses is a great way to floop as I like to call it :D
Mental illness is very difficult,for people around us and for us its not something you can see or touch which is why a think you get reactions like your sons easier said than done but try and take it with a pinch of salt.
Thinking of you and tomorrow is another day and as you will know can be very different,enjoy those moments just spent sitting with your horses as they are all gorgeous relaxing therapy x
 
I feel your pain. I really do. I have been really struggling too recently. Last weekend was the trigger for the whole thing really. Didn't help I ran out of meds and have been having awful awful withdrawel... signs/things. Most of the time my mental health is fine but there are odd moments when mental illness; severe depression, will creep back in thats when it kinda proves sometimes how much I need the horses, to get me out of bed otherwise I wouldn't move from my bed/ house for days.

I know its really hard sometimes. I tried to remember what people have said to me sometimes. That your not going to feel this way forever, things will change and will get better. Its sh!t at the moment but in the end everthing will be ok and you will come out of it. I think as hard as it is, go with how your feeling as things will get better.

*hugs*
 
Sorry to read your having an off day Tina. Ignore your son calling you pathetic. Your not At all.

I go through phases of low moods frequently (I don't think I have depression ) although tbh I'm not sure how you define depression. Mental illness is hard for others to understand since you can't see it or feel how someone else is feeling.

Try not to feel pressured about having to ride..just enjoy your horses ;). Big hug Tina :)
 
Sorry to read this Tina. I think we all either have our own experiences with depression or have close friends or family members who do, so you are not alone, that is very important to remember. I am sure there are people who care very much about you and would be very worried to know just how low you are feeling today.

Even if you don't feel you can talk to people IRL about how your feeling, you can always come on here and offload to us. I find that quite often I feel better just putting how I feel into the written word, it seems to lighten the load if you see what I mean?

Take care and perhaps ask the GP for a little more support in the way of counselling or something?:twins:
 
Thank you everyone for you kind words. Just had a good sleep and I am going to take it easy, it will pass.

I was on meds for years but they brought there own problems. I just work through it these days. Just went on a real horrible couldn't move thing. Its good too know others understand. Thanks again, sure I will be right as rain tomorrow x.
 
I would certainly go and see someone if I was you.

There must be something they can give you to help?

I am always mega busy - tonight after about 5 weeks is maybe my third night away from the lambing shed - and I have a full time job as well.

I do get mega fed up at times during this time of year, and generally blast OH for not making the boys he employs get on and work a bit harder - OK for them, they seem to work 9-5 in the farming industry and I seem to work from 9 - 3.30 am at times and I am NOT in the farming industry!!! Added to which I get up at 6am winter and summer to do my horse - which is fair enough, it is my hobby, but never, ever complain about that!

But I am fortunate in that I just get cross and that seems to release the valve!!! Must be something that someone can do to help you?
 
Its a right pain in the butt Sip TBH. Something I just have to live with. I have been to numerous doctors, physiologists, counsellors, you name it over the years. None of them come up with the answers. The doctors hand out pills that make you feel worse if anything, some are ok but its not like you are your real self, if that makes sense, the side effects induce all sorts of other problems.

I have been off meds for a year now and overall I am feeling like I am in a much better place.

My husband and family say, I am just not quite 'a full shilling' if that makes sense (they say it in a nice way of course).

I make the most of my good points, and good days, it is very debilitating at times, just like any illness.

I am feeling a lot better this evening and overall I am coping. I just went on an odd one today. My friend is doing the horses for me tonight. They do actually keep me going, because they are living creatures, I have to do them and they do bring me endless pleasure.

I have probably just over done it with the nice weather, I have been going loony all week, spring cleaning and sorting this that and the other out, blown a fuse I guess.

Whatever, there is no cure, I just have to get on with it:smile:
 
Sadly what Tina says at the beginning about docs,counsellors etc is true,pills are the answer and every counsellor I ever seen was always fixated on my parents been the issue :banghead: really bugged me as they are/were not at all.
Your right Tina about the horses,for me I learnt the things that made me tick in the wrong way and things that made me tick in the right way which I'm sure you know what I mean.for me animals are my therapy which if I'm right in thinking you have this too.
Mental illness is debilitating as it really does never go away,I don't think pills are the answer as you say your not yourself,you seem to lose part of you and its not for the better all the time.I think its a matter of learning coping methods,knowing warning signs,what to do and what not to do,for example I don't drink it dies not do me any favours.
From what I've read in your posts Tina I think you manage it very well and you should be really proud of yourself for that as its not easy,your not alone although I k ow it feels that way at times,we are all here and your beautiful horses and a family.
As for their saying of not been the full shilling,my mum calls me her little psycho :D I think having this light heartedness around it and abit of fun is also great.keep your head up your doing fantastic and glad to hear your feeling abit better tonight x
 
Oh sons can be so unhelpful.

There's nothing wrong with just taking a day, or however long, just to be with the horses. You dont have to do anything with them, if you just want to do the basics for thier welfare and spend the rest of the day just looking at them thats fine.

Dont put your self under pressure about what you should or shouldnt be doing.
 
mystiquemalaika said:
Sadly what Tina says at the beginning about docs,counsellors etc is true,pills are the answer and every counsellor I ever seen was always fixated on my parents been the issue :banghead: really bugged me as they are/were not at all.
Your right Tina about the horses,for me I learnt the things that made me tick in the wrong way and things that made me tick in the right way which I'm sure you know what I mean.for me animals are my therapy which if I'm right in thinking you have this too.
Mental illness is debilitating as it really does never go away,I don't think pills are the answer as you say your not yourself,you seem to lose part of you and its not for the better all the time.I think its a matter of learning coping methods,knowing warning signs,what to do and what not to do,for example I don't drink it dies not do me any favours.
From what I've read in your posts Tina I think you manage it very well and you should be really proud of yourself for that as its not easy,your not alone although I k ow it feels that way at times,we are all here and your beautiful horses and a family.
As for their saying of not been the full shilling,my mum calls me her little psycho :D I think having this light heartedness around it and abit of fun is also great.keep your head up your doing fantastic and glad to hear your feeling abit better tonight x
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Thanks. You take care of yourself as well. Your right about the coping methods and warning signs. I think we do have to accept the way we are, Like you I have no unpleasant history, its just me. I tend to be a shocker for kicking my self and expecting too much then I sort of 'overload'. Looking back on today now, I a feeling ok, I am thinking what was wrong with doing nothing anyway? I had just physiced myself up to do so much, then felt ill. If I had had a bug, I wouldn't have felt guilty, but because its mental, I felt bad.

Never mind I am over it now......back to horse chatter:smile:
 
I dont know how old you are? But even those of us who are relatively fit and dont have mental illness have days when we just cant exert ourselves. Even though it was sunny, I stayed home all day yesterday - Had a difficult hack on Tuesday, work all afternoon and then up to London. Lots of mental and physical effot and then incapable of anything the next day. We went for a long walk on Sunday in lovely sunshine but got lost due to shutting off of footpaths and went double the distance. So the next day, I was washed out. Have been too tired to go into the yard and groom.
It could even be that though horses keep one fit, at our age you cant be energetic two days running? But it feels like one is useless and wasting the sunshine and one's life.
 
Tina I hope you are feeling much better today ((Hugs))

I don't have any mental health problems so can't know how you feel but I am old and knackered and like Skib can't do the things I used to do anymore at the pace I used to do them, but you know what, I think people especially women are very good at feeling guilty and we need to allow ourselves some down time without the guilt.
We can't do everything all the time no matter how fit and well we are, there comes a point where your body or your mind or both will just say enough is enough.
Please don't feel guilty about feeling ill and doing nothing, what's one day in the grand scheme of things?
Hope you are back to your old self today and take care.
 
Skib said:
I dont know how old you are? But even those of us who are relatively fit and dont have mental illness have days when we just cant exert ourselves. Even though it was sunny, I stayed home all day yesterday - Had a difficult hack on Tuesday, work all afternoon and then up to London. Lots of mental and physical effot and then incapable of anything the next day. We went for a long walk on Sunday in lovely sunshine but got lost due to shutting off of footpaths and went double the distance. So the next day, I was washed out. Have been too tired to go into the yard and groom.
It could even be that though horses keep one fit, at our age you cant be energetic two days running? But it feels like one is useless and wasting the sunshine and one's life.
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Yes I understand what you mean, I do get like that now I am older as well, so there was probably an element of that to it. I am only 54 though, a lot of my friends are still working full time, but they don't have horses so I suppose that weighs it out:smile:

Just to explain, the thing I had yesterday was a mental 'block', its difficult to explain, its like you want to do something but just can't, it takes a great effort to push through, mostly I get there but on days like yesterday it beat me. I am told it is synonymous with depression.
 
If I was having one of those days where you just feel drained, and it was sunny.. theres nothing better then taking a good book and a sandwich and just reading in the sun.. even a little doze if you feel the need ! I find just watching horses so lovely.
 
I hope you are feeling better Tina.

Maybe you have an underlying worry or something?

Whatever it is that's happened, remember things can only get better and the next day is a new day.
 
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