Really at my wits end now. The whole family is struggling

Joyscarer

Joyscarer

Active Member
Dec 30, 2006
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Hampshire
My ponies are way down my list of priorities and I'm struggling.

My hubby phoned my yardmate and she has kindly been haying and feeding my 2 ponies for me this week as I can't get out at the moment. My principle for feeding is that they never run out of hay when there is snow on the ground (they are out 24/7 but usually don't even get hay as I have grass) but do get a token feed of chaff to mix their pink powder in. When I'd recovered enough I called her yesterday to make sure she didn't overfeed or worry as they both are rugless (James had called her as he wasn't coping) and temps are dropping to -8c overnight and Joy has a neck and belly clip. I explained that since the end of summer Joy has gone from being a healthly 460kgs to over 520kgs purely because she pigs out on hay!My yardmate worked out that my 2 ponies eat the same amount of 'bucket feed' over 2 months as her horse does in one winters day! :eek:

I can't wait to get back down the yard again as it's usually the thing that keeps me together. Things haven't been easy since Autumn. First my mums cancer was back so there was my mum's radiotherapy, then the first bout of snow, then 2 weeks of solid decorating so we have a room to use for Christmas, then the second bout of snow which is obviously still ongoing, my father-in-law has had a stroke and he's still in hospital and deemed unable to return to his own home. He is left with deminished mental capacity, then I had proper flu of the kind where you actually hurt all over and can't get out of bed even if you wanted to. Then on Monday morning I sneezed and put my back out and the doctor had to be called as I couldn't move and was in angony. I haven't left the house since Saturday morning and am not able to do so today.

My hubby called my farrier on Monday as he was due yesterday and he still came out in my absense and got my ponies in to trim them - such a gent and I'm so grateful. I'd already spoken to him last week before all this kicked off with my health to ask him to pull Joys shoes as I haven't ridden since the last time she was shod and very little before that too.

I now have my father-in-laws large house to do up to sell/rent in the new year so it's not looking likely that I'll be riding again until at least early spring :cry: On the bright side I'll be getting boots and making a proper commited effort to take her barefoot when she starts work again. I didn't do it properly last time and was doomed to fail as a consequence.

I really have had enough. I last saw my ponies on Saturday morning and it's been flying visits for weeks and weeks before that. Hubby is hopefully going to drive me up to them tomorrow so I can at least see them for myself but I don't think he'll have the time and I don;t want to push him. My mum can't help as although in my home town we are snow/ice free my yard is 13 miles away and conditions are bad that side of the hill and she only has a little 206 which wouldn't make it there and she isn't on my car insurance. She's been doing so much for me though and has been taking my daughter everyday so I don't know what I'd have done without her. I wish I didn't need to get James to take me as he is trying to hold down his demanding job, visit his dad everyday in hospital plus him and his sister now have enduring power of attorney and are trying to get dad's financial affairs sorted and buy him a retirement flat ASAP so dad can be released from hospital. Needless to say, however I feel at the moment things are 100 times worse for him and I'm just adding to his problems at the moment instead of helping him :cry:

Poor dad is now living in the past and thinking he's at school (he was an old school master, very insistant he was NOT a teacher, but retired 10 years ago), that his dad and wife are still alive and not knowing he's in hospital. He'd forget his offsprings names and told Hilary that Hilary had been in earlier as he didn't recognise her but tried to bluff his way out of it when she said that she was Hilary. Yesterday my hubby said he thoguht they were all at a railway station :cry:

I'm concerned that even when the retirement flat is bought so he can come out that even with social services involved he'll need something more because of his mental health needs. Obviously all we seem to see from the authorities is a rush to get him discharged from hospital and he does the list of 20 questions in their assessment ok so I'm not convinced they realise the true extent of the problem. In fact the occupational health lady told him last week she saw no reason why he shouldn't go home and I had to get heavy with her and insist on a home visit and explain that his ramblings about grandad doing his washing for him related to his dad who had been dead for years! When she saw his house and realised he would actually be living alone in it she changed her mind immediately! At least with him being stuck in an elderly care ward they have more time to realise just how bad things are despite the fact that he can tell you who the prime minister is.

We've all seen the TV programmes where people hord and refuse to spend money, he's the last of his familly and they all did it. He wears clothes that are only fit for the bin but has wardrobes of stuff which hasn't been out of the packets. His house needs everything doing to it and is going to be a huge project. I'm just glad I can out my talents to something that can benefit him.

Thank god my ponies are physically hard as nails and I have a very understanding yard mate. I feel dreadful though as I'm not use to needing others to to help me and the ponies are way down on my list of priorities and will remain so for some time to come.

Worse than that I'm really worried about my hubby. He's got so much to deal with at the moment and even when he does get a chance to sit down in the evening he's still milling about trying to find things to do to keep himself busy. I can see the signs that he's slowly falling apart and that once things are sorted out and he has more time for himself that this is what will happen. He can't maintain the pace of life he has now as it would be impossible. Things are really hard for us at the moment and watching the people I love most in the world struggling to keep it together is really difficult, especially when I've been helpless myself and adding to his problems. :poop:

I've also returned to my old binge eating days and gained 1 1/2 stone in a month and am fat again.
 
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Oh blimey JC I feel exhausted just reading your post. What an endless list of awful things you have all been through - it sounds horrendous, I really feel for all of you.

Sending lots & lots of hugs and thoughts your way. I wish there were a way I could help to try & ease the load. I hope you all manage to enjoy some of Christmas :unsure: x
 
Ditto roxys mum :)

We are going through similar battles with my nan as she has now been diagnosed with dementia. It's frustrating, hospital has started her on medication which requires supervision as it has nasty side effects, they didn't tell us that, presumed she had carers... They send her letters which she "never receives" and they phone her to male/cancel/rearrange appointments wtc... She is attending a memory clinic, you'd think they would contact us too - and said we were Babying her by raking her to hospital appointments... So we let her go alone, she says she has been *** barged
And no further help needed... She has actually been boomed I. For three further apointments. They visited her at home and said she is fine- yes she put it in her calendAr and did marvellous acting. You go unexcited and now often expected too and there is no food in, she hasn't done her hair, house isn't being kept like it used too... Soupsetting to sit an watch.

There are some great services and products available jc just get g acess to them... If you want any support you know where I am :)

I hope you can make the most of the ime you have off together, lots of fun and games to bring the mood up and help you take your minds away from it :)
 
oh dear what a lot to deal with, my heart goes out to you. The only thing i can think of that may be of some help is to keep trying to take each day or each moment as it comes, when you have big things to deal with like the house it can become overwhelming. Many little steps will get you over that mountain :)
 
huge hugs, have dealt with the relative with dementia thing, its really tough, as they dont know the person previously they dont realise how much difference there is :( and once someone hits retirement age the "system" doesnt seem to want to do much to help. I really feel for you :twins: (closest smilie to a hug ;))
 
Blimey, your are doing it tough at the moment aren't you ? :unsure:

I can only echo Dizzy Woo and some of the other advice, take it one day at a time and not to think of the big picture as that would be enough to drive anyone round the bend and back !

Step one regarding your FIL, at least the OT has recognised he has to go into sheltered accomodation, you being tough with her shows your still doing strong and fighting in his corner for him.

It's times like these though you know who you can rely on family and friends, your new yardmate sounds like a much better replacement for the old one ;). Your right in the sense of your two being hard as nails, and they'll be fine.

Knowing how you like to dive into and get things done, I'm sure you'll be able to get your fathers house up and sorted for/selling/renting/whatever in a good time line, this in itself will be a BIG relief for sure for James and his sister, it's something that will be taken of James plate and your good at doing the property management side, so your right at this being something that will allow your talents to come through and get it organised.

I know your not used to asking for help (I'm the same I hate doing it) but please take any offer of help at all when asked. There is yourself to think of in this picture as well :cuddle:

If you need an ear or just someone to vent to, you have my phone number. Happy to travel as well :)

Take care x
 
That sounds really tough and I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. I don't really know what to say other than to take each day at a time and hopefully things will improve. You obviously love your family and great deal and I'm sure that you are an amazing support to your husband. Sometimes we all need abit of help and it's great that you have someone who can help with your horses. I'm sure they will be more than happy with their hay and lack of work.
 
Oh, JC, you really are going through it just now. Bug hugs.

I know some of how you are feeling, this last year it has felt my family is falling apart at the seams (one elderly aunt going rapidly downhill with dementia, and the other...well dying, we just don't know which ailment is going to get her first :unsure:)

I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm sure once we are in the new year, your health is back to normal, you can have your time at the yard, you will get a bit of breathing space and be able to figure everything out.

You are very lucky to have a loving family around you, and a yardmate who is willing to give you hand. It's times like these that you need to accept help, if you don't, things are just going to get more and more on top of you.

Big hugs, and remember, we are all here to listen. :smile:
 
Thanks chaps

Ruskii it's actually the 3rd livery that's doing my 2 as James phone her when I was blotto. They moved them from the top field into the emergency paddock so that they were more visable. At least there the sheep aren't eating their hay and they are seen by everyone. That's made me feel a whole lot more relaxed about things. If they can stay there for a bit then I can go back to caring for them sooner as my field is such a huge treck from the barn. Sorry I haven't done any xmas cards this year but you know I wish you all the best and can't wait to see you and little J again :redface:




I've just been reading through some of the guides on the Age Concern website. I'll put the link up in case it helps others as it really is brill.

http://www.ageuk.org.uk/publications/age-uk-information-guides-and-factsheets/

Wow what an amazing place for info! Without realising it my little chat with occupational health professional and my complaints last week actually trigered her reactions on a number of levels including demand for an assessment of needs for intermediate care. I didn't realise this was a separate right in itself and that's what's kicked it all off apparantely. We ae now waiting for a proper assessment by a psychiatric team which wasn't previously forthcoming when the occupational health professional waltzed in saying to dad that she could see no reason why he couldn't go home :stomp: I suspect that it being pointed out to her that dad expects to be living with his dead dad has stirred things up a bit!

Tbh things are changing on a daily basis as to our views as to what's likely to happen. We were hoping for him to return home with adaptions but then his mobility has been affected so that's not ever going to possible even without the state of the place being considered. Then we thought that pushing through the quick purchase of sheltered housing would be the key so that we could get a package of care options in to support him in a more suitable environment for his physical needs. Now it looks very likely that his mental health has continued to deteriourateso he isn't up to that unless we can be damn sure of there being a superb package of care being available. It's hard though as for safety sake I think residential care home is best but knowing him and his wishes as I do that's the last thing he'd want so we hold onto the hope that buying a retirement property and privately funding aditional services is going to be a safe a viable option.

Given that the system was trying to push him to go to home less than a week ago we all are petrified about relying on it. So now I'll continue to try and arm myself with as much knowledge about the system and dad's rights as I can so I can fight his corner couched in the terms of the system rather than as concerned family. Its hit me today how not knowing procedure and 'in terminolgy' has really compromised on the quality of dad's assessment of needs since he was admitted to hospital. The more I can debate on their terms the better I think our chances of getting him assessed and the care he needs within the shortest possible timeframe.

Why the hell has it taken nearly 3 weeks for them to suddenly decide to do proper framework assessment of his needs to pressumably show up his mental deficiencies which appear to have been missed up til now. Last week they would have just sent him home? This should have been done from the start :banghead:

I may not be able to do much physically but I can do my research. They'd better watch out :bomb:
 
I know how you feel. Im sitting here now feeling deflated. I havent been to work for the last 3 days. Using snow as and excuse. But I could walk to work. Im bored in the evenings just sitting watching tv. The house is like a pig sty. Actually worse than a pig sty. There is paperwork all over the place. My mother comes home from work and cooks dinner then just sits in the chair all night. She has created the paperwork mess but wont do anything about it. The last time I had a sort out she moaned that I dumped important stuff. So Im lothed to start sorting again. I just want rid of it all, but I dont know where to start as there is so much. Im sick of having a messy house. What makes it worse is that I go and clean other peoples for a living, and there houses are so tidy and i cant be bothered to do my own.
On top of that my back has been giving me problems for the last year and I really want to give up the cleaning but I have no other work. The animals, although not taking all my time up are costing more money than we make on them. There is no one else to help with the work and Im finding it tough. My brother wont help one little bit and says if I want them I have to look after them myself. So theres no family support at all. My mum physically can no longer help at all, but she wants me to carry on with them. Really I need to get rid of the sheep and cows but I do like my animals, as it gives me a purpose in life. I would also be less active and fit if I didnt have them. It wouldnt be so bad if I could see a return on them at the end of the year, but I only see no profit.

Last week I had a cold and although I feel alot better I have that really empty feeling. I take comfort knowing that the shortest day has now gone and the nights are on the way out. Yey Im sure I'll get over it but right now I have no motivation to go outside.

Oh I could go on. Hopefully this will make me feel better for writing it. Its funny at the moment there seems to be a lot of threads on here about people being unhappy and down. We need to start a happy thread to cheer us all up.
 
really pleased to hear you sounding so much more positive :D you tell em xx
Joyscarer said:
It's hard though as for safety sake I think residential care home is best but knowing him and his wishes as I do that's the last thing he'd want so we hold onto the hope that buying a retirement property and privately funding aditional services is going to be a safe a viable option.
Click to expand...
I dont think a care home is what anyone wants, but having been through this I know sometimes its the only option,
I will have to be vague as a public forum but my relative had a blockage in frontal lobe which caused the dementia, was still at home with spouse, we were getting phonecalls at 4am in the morning on a regular occasion as things were kicking off, with a young child at the time we were wiped out metally and so tired.
so dont dismiss a home out of hand ;) sometimes it just has to be {{{hug}}
 
I completely understand your frustration with the 'system' and the care teams. When my Aunt was in hospital and we were trying to figure out where to go next (stay there, a hospice, or go home without any further treatment) it was like pulling teeth trying to figure out how to get care for her, what she was entitled to, what came with the NHS and what she would have to pay for.

What didn't help was that they were telling her stuff, but not the rest of the family...now she isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the box, she was on all sorts of medication, and she had just been told she was going to die sooner rather than later...did they really expect her to take all this in and relay it correctly to the people who would be caring for her when she got out of hospital (she was telling us they were going to install a wet room...eventually I realised this was all in her head, we still don't know where she got that from!)?! Seriously, it makes my blood boil. They ended up sending her home while her bathroom was still be refitted so she had to walk to the next door neighbours to use the toilet (bearing in mind she was told she had 6 weeks to live due to her lungs deteriorating)! My parents were in Australia for a month when she got sent home, and I swear I thought I was going to have to arrange a funeral...

What makes it all the more frustrating is that her son wouldnt accept any help. I printed off a mountain of stuff for him from Macmillan about what care she was entitled to, about how to care for someone who was terminally ill and who to contact...I even highlighted all the relevant bits...he still hasn't read it, and she still isn't recieving any benefits she is entitled to. I told him I would call them and fill out the paperwork...'no, don't worry, I will do it on my day off'...not done.

Oh...and they bought a bloody puppy!!!!! They can't even look after themselves, never mind a tiny wee puppy who needs toilet trained and walked and all sorts. Needless to say the poor wee might is now 6 months old, completely uncontrollable and not toilet trained in the slightest.

Sorry...rant over! Sorry for hijacking your post JC :redface:

But you are completely right about doing your research. Eventually my dad got home and got tough with them, she now has a higher level of care, and although is still regularly getting taken back into hospital, is doing much better. Find out as much as you can, and there are people about who are able to help you fill out forms etc. And, although I know your OH's dad will want to go home, or into a retirement property, from what we saw with my aunt when she got home (I know, completely different situation and I'm just generalising) her health went down hill fast as soon as she stopped recieving 24/7 care. Just keep an eye on it, and if you see that happening, make sure you fight for more care to be provided, or think about other options.
 
JS you sound as though you really are going through the mill - cant add much more to the very good advise you are getting here - but just wanted to say I do feel for you and your family and hope that things will soon look brighter for all of you. xx:twins:
 
Dear Joyscarer, I don't think there's anything I can do or say to add to the messages of help and support you've already received, but just to say that I'm thinking of you too. You sound very strong. I know that sometimes it feel that just one more straw really will break the camel's back, but I'm confident that you'll hold it together. Good luck over Christmas!
 
I too am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time at the moment, wish
I could add more but most of the advice I would have given is already on
here.

Just to add my Dad went into a Residential Home, broke my Heart because
I knew it was the last place on earth he wanted to be, I don't know if it was worse because mentally he was still 100%, it was the physical needs he was there for.

Its a difficult decision whichever way it goes, however you can only look at
different types of Residential Accomm and pick the one you think would suit
him the most.

xxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Chin up mrs, hope you're feeling better soon so you can get up to give your lovely Joy a cuddle - the best stress reliever ever, gotta look after yourself so you can look after everyone else as well.
Keep on truckin - if we can all make it past christmas and new year then it will hopefully start to feel a little brighter.:wink:
 
Thanks everyone for your kind wishes. My mum is coming up in an hour to take me to the yard as I need to pay the yard owners and buy some more hay. I think the driving should be ok on normal roads now so we will be taking my car and she can take over using her driving other cars extention if I don't manage when it comes to the hairly offroady bit at the end. I certainly would have trouble lugging hay so she'll help with that too.

I can't wait to see my babies although fear they with be the size of elephants given they've been on adlib hay for so long now because of the smow! :dance:

I've decided to buy my yard mate a few bales of hay as a thank you. Poor cow had to put up with me blubbing on the phone and knows how grateful I am so I want to do something for them. Also, although mum is taking me today, I'm still going to need somebody to help me with the hay for a bit :redface:
 
Wow - you have on hell of alot on your plate! sending you one hundred hugs and good vibes!

This weather is enough to drive anyone mad without all the rest that you have to put up with.

Is there a possibility of you getting a sharer for a few days a week while you're having a tough time? That way you may be able to take some comfort in the fact that they are being seen to so you can focus on family commitments a bit more?
 
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