One step forward, 50 steps backwards!

Mary Poppins

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Oct 10, 2004
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You all know by now that I suffer from terrible hacking nerves. We had been doing so well over the last 4 weeks or so. I went for one long off site hack with my yard manager which was slightly terrifying but OK, and since then I have made an effort to hack offsite at least once a week with different people. I am not aiming to go very far, just to the top of our yard and round some woodland. There is no road work and it's only about a 25 minute loop.

So today, I set off for my 4th hack round the woods with some different friends, 3 of us in total. My previous hacks had gone well and I was feeling confident. However, it didn't start well when my friends horse did a 180 degree spin back to the yard, but Ben was fine so we carried on. All was well for 10 minutes or so when I felt him become very tense. It became apparent there was a hedge cutter or chainsaw being used in the distance. They must have seen us and turned it off because he started to relax, but then all of a sudden they started up again and Ben got very scared. He grew very tall - he is 16.1hh anyway but he felt about 19hh. He got very tense and started prancing all over the place. I was scared and didn't know what to do to keep him calm, so I decided to dismount and lead him. After a couple of minutes he calmed down again and went back to his normal self. I found a log and remounted, but I had completely lost my nerve. I couldn't relax and I didn't want to ride him when I felt so tense so I got off and lead him back.

Now I feel useless. In the whole swing of things he didn't behave badly. He didn't buck, bolt or spin. He just got tense and worried. But I couldn't handle it. I couldn't help him and I couldn't ride him. I hate it when my nerves control me and I feel that I am not good enough to have him.

I don't know why I put myself through it and I don't know why I put all this pressure on myself to go hacking. We happily ride over the big open fields on my yard alone and in company. It's not like we are stuck in the school day in, day out. We jump once or twice a week, we go somewhere in the lorry at least once a week, we do everything we possibly can. But I just cannot hack him in confined spaces. I don't enjoy it, he doesn't enjoy it so why I am forcing myself to do it?
 
I think the more you do hack though and present him to possible problems you may come across the more confidence you will gain. Theres never a right or wrong and you did what you felt the need to do at the time. Really though when you read back at what you put, all he did was grow a bit, like any horse would at a strange noise. Its you needing to get the confidence to put all your faith into him that he isnt going to bolt of away :) From what you said about Ben he dosent seem the sort! Im sure one day you will gain that confidence to just sit there with no nerves even if he starts prancing around to just carry on and give him the confidence to, to just calm down an tell him its all ok and carry on regardless !
 
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Of course you're not useless - you had a scare, you dealt with it, you and Ben both came safely home. No problem. Confidence, like everything else to do with riding, doesn't come all at once, it's a process, and it comes slowly, with practice. I can't tell you why you want to do it - we all have a million reasons for wanting or not wanting to do things, and we don't like being defeated. My RI reminded me the other day about how horses don't stay scared - something frightens them, they react, and a couple of minutes later they've forgotten all about it. They don't worry about what's not there. We all need to be more like horses! Good luck.
 
Thank you both of you. I don't think that my confidence can grow any more slowly though. I am 38 years old and had a nasty accident when I was 14 some 24 years ago and have never really recovered. I have had NLP which helped to some extent but I just can't relax hacking anywhere other than my 'safe' fields on the yard. I hate feeling scared and not knowing what to do. It's the unpredictability which I hate, you can't control the environment and other people/horses. At the moment I feel like giving up the ridiculous concept of hacking out completely. Ben has never hacked out - he didn't do it much in his previous life and in the 4 years I have owned him we have only hacked out properly a few times. Hacking is something that I feel that I should do rather than something I want to do.

I hate the lows that come with horses. The highs are great but the lows make you feel awful.
 
What you did was fine. I've got off Roxy to lead her past fly-tipped piles of crap before. She too has turned into a giraffe at the sound of a hedgetrimmer over a fence! When I first started hacking her, I'd often get off to get her past something, and end up leading her most/all the way home. Like you say, the confidence process isn't linear. It's incremental - a bit here, a bit there. It's fine to get off and lead if you are more comfortable than that. The idea is to push yourself a little out of your comfort zone, but not hurling off the edge into the abyss! Keep going as it actually sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I am experiencing a jumping blip at the moment - loss of confidence approaching jumps after 3 falls now - so I know how you feel, and how frustrating it is, but I also know that if you and I keep chipping away at it, we'll get to where we want to be. I sometimes think 'why do I want to do this?' too but the bottom line is that I am stubborn and won't let my demons get the better of me! But it may take a while - I am thinking maybe next year for some clear round jumping. Rome wasn't built in a day!
 
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Oh MP don't beat yourself up!

If I meet something that scares Ziggy to death, like a horse-drawn carriage, I feel no shame at all in getting off. He takes much more comfort in me when he can see me, and I am safer.

You did everything I would have done. AND you got back on. If you led him home after, who cares? What you did was FINE!

I think it's great that you are addressing such deep seated fears. Praise yourself, don't scold yourself. And I'm also glad that Ben is just an ordinary horse who is sometimes bothered with things - I was beginning to think that he was unnatural! x
 
What everyone else has said really. I understand because even tho I only hack on my own land I haven't hacked anywhere near as much or as far as I initially intended when moving here. I own the road into the properties - but only so far and then it reverts to the farmer. I have a total mental block about riding along it and have never made it right down to the farm, despite it being private, ie, no through traffic from the public. I don't know what I think will happen but I tried it a few times and got upset because we encountered a few blips - and it was more ME than her. So I think you did just fine and I think what you did was right. All I can say is, you will get there - I appreciate how slow you feel progress / confidence is growing but you tried and to me that's a huge thing.
 
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Thank you both of you. I don't think that my confidence can grow any more slowly though. I am 38 years old and had a nasty accident when I was 14 some 24 years ago and have never really recovered. I have had NLP which helped to some extent but I just can't relax hacking anywhere other than my 'safe' fields on the yard. I hate feeling scared and not knowing what to do. It's the unpredictability which I hate, you can't control the environment and other people/horses. At the moment I feel like giving up the ridiculous concept of hacking out completely. Ben has never hacked out - he didn't do it much in his previous life and in the 4 years I have owned him we have only hacked out properly a few times. Hacking is something that I feel that I should do rather than something I want to do.

I hate the lows that come with horses. The highs are great but the lows make you feel awful.
I too had a nasty accident as a teen and at the time and for years after it had no effect on me but if I'm totally honest I think about it more now and over think everything if I'm having a particularly bad day. I only keep going at timescause otherwise the frustration has me in tears, I'm 37 now. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have good reason to feel how you do. I'm in a RC which is fab for building confidence or maintaining confidence you can do as much or as little as you like and many are just wanting to have fun and improve, whether that be their riding, confidence or both.
 
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I don't think you did anything wrong. I have had many hacks like that when I was first getting my confidence with Moët. Years on now we go out solo and today faced a tractor trimming a hedge right alongside us, a large leaf blower which the man wouldn't turn off and then two very large empty gravel trucks (she wasn't best pleased by them but contained her fear well).

All I can say is concentrate on the positives. Remember Ben is learning too and he needs exposure to things to understand and not fear them. But of course remember that he was really well behaved and it will take you time to relax after scarey situations until they become not scarey anymore
 
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Could you get someone more confident to hack Ben for you? Get him used to the sights out and about before you get onboard.

Nothing at all wrong with getting off but if you can't relax then the whole experience is not going to be enjoyable for you.

Personally I think even a 25 minute loop is a bit ambitious at the moment, I started getting my hacking confidence up by doing 10 min hacks until I felt relaxed and comfortable then went further. Is there a shorter route you can do or set yourself smaller targets.

Perhaps take him out in hand and get on board 10 mins from home, then 15 mins. Or ride for the first 10 mins then just get off and walk the rest.
 
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You say you're scared of hacking, yet you happily ride around open fields on the farm....which is hacking, at least in my book! Were you scared when you first started doing that? If so, then you already know that you can conquer the nerves, and if not, why not? Speaking personally, I would have found riding on big open fields about the most terrifying thing going when I was going through my 'can't hack' phase (which incidentally lasted for several years)

Fear is a dreadful thing, but it really can be overcome if you want it badly enough. But on the other hand, if you really don't enjoy it then don't force yourself - it's not as though you and Ben don't have a great time together.
 
Thank you everyone. I had a few hours of feeling sorry of myself but I am starting to bounce back now. I actually think that I should be very proud of him because all he really did was to bounce a little and despite being scared he still looked after me. It's funny how he calmed down when I got off him, we do lots of in-hand work and I have no nerves at all on the ground.

I have never had a problem riding in our open fields. I have no fear of Ben suddenly bolting off so I am happy to take him into big open spaces where I can see what is going on. It's the things that I can't see or hear that worry me which is why I get so nervous in the woods or on the roads. Ben really doesn't like noises where he can't see where they are coming from. We had an incident at a Christmas show last year where he got very stressed in the warm up ring because someone had some bells on their bridle that were driving him crazy.

I don't want anyone else to hack him out for me. He is my horse and it's our relationship. We will either work through it together or just decide it's not for us. Who knows what way it will go.
 
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I totally get where your coming from with wanting to work it out yourself. I've had people suggest I send Peds off to someone to get him cantering in a school. But I want to accomplish that goal myself! Same with jumping. (Although jumping he can do, I'm the block on that one - and with the canter really!!)

Sometimes a bit of distance from the issue does the world of good. I'm glad you've been able to put a positive spin on it. There is totally nothing wrong with getting off if you and or your horse feels nervous and you feel more able to deal with it from the ground.
 
I totally get where your coming from with wanting to work it out yourself. I've had people suggest I send Peds off to someone to get him cantering in a school. But I want to accomplish that goal myself! Same with jumping. (Although jumping he can do, I'm the block on that one - and with the canter really!!)

Sometimes a bit of distance from the issue does the world of good. I'm glad you've been able to put a positive spin on it. There is totally nothing wrong with getting off if you and or your horse feels nervous and you feel more able to deal with it from the ground.

It would be so easy to get someone else to take him out for me a couple of times a week, but I really don't think that this will help me. I think that you have to work through issues together as a partnership. The route cause of the vast majority of the problems that occur is down to rider error, lack of skills or confidence. My yard has lots of horses on full livery and when the staff exercise them they always behave perfectly, but when the riders get on this isn't always the case. I am also ridiculously posessive and would be really jealous if anyone else got on him.

I have decided to take him on an in-hand walk through the woods when I next get the chance so I can let him have a good chance to look at the house where the hedgecutter was. If this goes well I will get someone to hack with and get back on and ride round again. My aim is to confidently do this loop and even if it takes me 2 years to achieve I will do it! I am dedicating one day per week to doing this as I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but in the meantime will continue hacking over the fields when they are dry enough.

The only thing is that I keep needing to find different people to hack with because I can't expect the same people to keep on walking through the woods with me. They are mainly eventers and like to go on long fast galloping hacks. I have 4 people to ask so if I go once a week with each of them separately then I will only need to ask them to come with me once a month each!
 
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There is NO shame in getting off on a hack..I hacked everywhere and anywhere and if he started to prance and get excited then I too got off. Horse always instantly calmed down and it worked for us.

There's a big difference in your posts now from last year / 2 yrs ago. The ones now are all about you still wanting to try hacking and you have been out on a hack ! This is great - 2years ago the idea of a hack was a real no no for you, I think the willingness of you still wanting to go out is a testament to your partnership with Ben and the hacking will come slowly but surely but it will come :)
 
I feel no shame at all in getting off.

YES THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING OFF!!

I would get off without hesitation if I felt I need to- and I will always find something to get back on.
And it might be about ME totally not Sonny. or later on ANDI.

It might be good to ride out and see someone on your boy.
To see how he is reacting to things- that may seem much less seeing them than being on him.

I have BIG BIG confidence issues with Andi so I have been taking lots of photos of her with the trainer to
see her demeanor and as we rode Borderland and then the neighborhood yesterday
I am watching say the little jumpy jumpy thing she did at the first dog that popped out yesterday
It would have felt MUCH WORSE TO ME being on her than to see what it actually was.
And then the other dogs along the way were a non issue for her.

You really are doing great!!
So don't beat your self up.

When I am riding Andi OMG I expect lots and LOTS and L*O*T*S of ups and downs!!
 
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MP you have not taken 50 steps backwards. From where I am sitting it seems to me that you are a lot braver than most, for starters you go to shows and clinics and don't panic about that, you ride out in huge open spaces and don't panic about that, first time I rode Belle out in a massive open space I almost pooped myself, I kid you not, I was petrified, far more than I ever do out hacking BUT, I do believe that it's because I hack much more than I ride in a big open space, so maybe it's one of those situations where the more you do the easier it will become, as for wanting/not wanting to hack if you don't want to hack well isn't the answer staring you in the face? Just don't, it's not going to hurt you or Ben as you yourself have said many times about all the other things you both enjoy, so it isn't the end of the world if you never hack again, if on the other hand your just a stubborn person like squidsin and you want to do it because you won't be defeated then I can only tell you again what I used to do.
Start with walking out in hand, take a foot soldier if you like or not if you don't, then when you are confidently in hand hacking him try leading out and riding back, or leading out and leading back until your almost home, then jump on for the last bit, gradually increase the time you ride and lessen the time you lead and if you feel you need to jump off then just do that, I found the minute I got past being slightly worried I got off and led for a while, by doing that I stopped myself getting to the complete meltdown stage and found it got less and less time leading and more and more time riding and not worrying.
Don't get me wrong I still have my moments and Belle, like Ben if as safe as you are ever going to get, I totally understand your nerves and also understand how hard it can be, but you can get there if you want to and if you don't then just don't hack. The other thing I have found, it may not apply to you but I am far better if I go out alone, when I'm with other people, for the most part I worry about how their horses will react and what effect that might have on Belle or worrying that I'm holding them up, or not going the route they would have chosen and find myself not enjoying our hack at all, where as on our own it's so much easier as I don't feel 'responsible' for any one else and can go at my pace and my own direction for as long or as short as I like.
Whatever you decide good luck and just remember it's not a competition, Ben is your horse to enjoy doing whatever you enjoy doing with him regardless of if that includes hacking or not :)
 
Good for you MP. I don't like fast gallopy hacks as it's really hard to get Roxy to stop once she gets excited, so I generally stick to walk/trot with maybe a short burst of canter through the woods. I'd hack with you! I am at a yard full of people with elderly horses who are happy just to amble along, luckily. The eventer types all go off and ride together!
 
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