ok, so am i stupid, selfish, both or none?

laceyfreckle

laceyfreckle

Well-Known Member
May 27, 2007
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Essex/Suffolk
I am really down at the moment...here's soem of the reasoning.

I bought my mare about three months ago after having a break from riding (i last owned horses/ponies when i was 20 and i'm now 27. ) I had trouble finding a livery yard/grazing for her and eventually found one 5mins from my house which has no water or electricity or stabling but has a field shelter, other horses for company and a lot of grazing. My mare is a 19yr old welsh sec B with a slight dust allergy. Her livery is £15 a week

All sounds ok...BUT

I am also a mum to four children aged 8yrs, 5yrs, 23months and 10months. I also have a hard-working husband and i work part-time as a book keeper and part-time as a childminder (although atm have vacancies)

We are quite strapped for cash having four kids and having just bought a house which needs quite a lot of work (new kitchen/bathroom etc) big mortgage.

I did have a sharer for my pony who has suddenly turned round without notice and said she doesn't want to share any more as she doesn't have any confidence in my pony who has never actually done anything wrong, apart from sometimes trying it on slightly , planting feet unless strong leg aid etc. The yard where i keep the pony doesn't like a lot of new people round there so i'm unsure if they will let me get a new sharer especially as my old sharer seems to have got friendly with one of the other liveries so will 'still be popping down' which still feels a bit threatening to me. It seems a lot for me to see to a pony every day without asking to much of DH or the kids.

My 8yr old is riding my pony too as seems to be really interested.

Am i being fair on my kids and DH in me having a pony?
Should i really be spending so much time/money on what essentially is me?
How much do you all pay out roughly monthly on your pony?
I feel like i'm being pushed out by the other liveries and no-one really likes me there am i stupid to stay and think i can have pony, family and happy relationship (have it all etc)

My asthma has come back since i've had the pony am i being silly?
What would you all do?

Sorry if this seems a bit of a mess, i haven't put it very well.
 
I dont know. Im having a bad time at the moment too but for totally different reasons so not the best to advise! Could you ask at the yard about their views on a new sharer? The old one popping down to see someone else is no longer up to you so they cant complain to you about that. I imagine its hard with the kids although getting the bigger ones to join in keeps them occupied and means slave labour!:D Does you OH have a hobby? Either babysit for him while he does his so he will babysit for you while you ride, or take him along too and get him interested?
 
hi widget, i saw your post and sorry your having a hard time too. Sometimes i feel like i'm just a bit old and didn't quite know when to 'give up' you hear of others giving up when they go to uni etc. also how come yards are so hard to get on with now, i'm sure they never used to be?? Like you theres NOTHING wrong with my pony which makes things even worse!

Yes OH does have a hobby, he goes bowling every tuesday so i'm typing this while he's out. I go out to work on mon eves so he babysits then too and also about three times a week so i can ride. I get up before him in the mornings to see to the pony before everyone's up. i try not to go to the field during the day much as i feel sorry for my two babies being stuck in the pushchair while i play with the horse even though my 23mnth old does ride a little as well.

I don't know, the pony is all i really have hobby wise apart from the kids and dog! but then i feel like a lot of my time, money and effort is invested in her.

not sure how much pony's should cost each month either! i don't rememebr my foalies being so expensive when i was younger
 
hi, i am sorry that i am only 15 and probably cant even begin to understand your situation (if you get what i mean!) but is it not possible to find someone who is interested in loaning the pony as an agreement that you let them baisicaly loan her, but in return, you still be able to see her and ride when you have the time? and help out etc. there are alot of people out there who want a pony on loan, and would happily take up that offer. Then when you are abit less stuck for time or money etc. change to you looking after her and riding and the rider doing a couple of days a week.
thanks:)
 
You're not stupid or selfish. You're simply a busy Mum who is trying to keep all the balls in the air. Drop one ball (sharer pulling out) and another (non friendly yard people) and everything just seems to topple down. You then weigh everything up and suffer from that condition called mother guilt where your wants and needs are at the bottom of a very large stack.

Does been with your pony make you happy? Can you afford to keep her? If she does and you can, go for it. There'll be another sharer somewhere and your yard problems should be workable - have you talked to them?

Discuss it with your OH, make a plan, commit to the plan and with some luck things hopefully will come up rosy. Keep your chin up.:)
 
it sounds to me like you have a good balance. I'm ok at the moment, no OH and no kids but others on the yard are balancing all 3 much like yourself and yes, they do find it difficult but its not like you're out for hours at a time every night while OH and kids sit at home ;)

your OH is probably the best person to tell you though, but it certainly sounds to me like you have a good balance... being someones mum and partner doesn't mean you stop exisiting in your own right :)
 
I guess the way I'd look at it is, we all make choices and decisions along the line. Some of choose to invest everything in a career, and miss out somewhat on families ... some of choose to have children, with all the time and expense that goes into raising them well... some of choose not to, or can't have children - and end up with more time and money as a consequence. Everyone makes these decisions all the time - choosing to have money over time, horses over children, family over career. But we have to live with the consequences. If you have four children, then you must really like children, right ? That's how you've chosen to spend the time and money available to you. It's a lot of children ! Surely then, your main interest, your hobby, what drives you... is raising and training your generation of new people ?

I think if I had a child or two, they'd take over not just my time and money but also my inspiration and motivation. I think I'd be hard pushed to focus on another big thing, like raising a horse for example, while my real love and passion was on raising and educating the little people.

If you find yourself spread too thin, and not really able to do justice to horse, kids, family, work all at once then something probably has to give. Maybe the horse thing could be postponed til the children are older and more independent ? I don't know - I just feel that the early years of anyone's life - human or horse - are so short and so valuable that they really deserve our undivided attention.
 
You have to have something that is just for you. You matter, just as much as everyone else in your family does. Furthermore, if you are happy, your family will benefit far more than if you are miserable and all the chores are done. If the children are old enough, assign them chores - at least that way they will learn how to do those necessary things, and when they leave home won't be stuck without having a clue! I bet too, your daughter would be gutted if you sold, most little girls love horses.

Your 'me' time will make you a better mum and homemaker, and if your daughter stays interested, you're getting her involved in a hobby that will keep her safe and grounded through her teenage years. Money isn't everything. Your livery is seriously cheap too, I pay £37 pw stabled!!
 
vonandiz said:
You're not stupid or selfish. You're simply a busy Mum who is trying to keep all the balls in the air. Drop one ball (sharer pulling out) and another (non friendly yard people) and everything just seems to topple down. You then weigh everything up and suffer from that condition called mother guilt where your wants and needs are at the bottom of a very large stack.:)
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Absolutely agree! Talk to your OH first before you make any decisions. If he's fine about the time,money etc then you have no worries.

Personally, I think its a lovely way to bring your children up , learning to care and love a horse and all that fresh air. As your children get older it will get better.
 
Cost? Loads:rolleyes: If you can keep her barefoot and out 24/7 and she is a good doer then not too much. She is native so I doubt she will eat you out of house and home. Your grazing is cheap! It is sometimes cheaper to use a more expensive yard where it is all included than to buy all the extras yourself though. Work out exactly what you need each month and stick to it. Avoid tack shops like the plague unless you actually need something, or you win the lottery! Easiest way to make horse owning an expensive hobby is to visit tack shops!:eek: :D
 
Widget said:
Cost? Loads:rolleyes: If you can keep her barefoot and out 24/7 and she is a good doer then not too much. She is native so I doubt she will eat you out of house and home. Your grazing is cheap! It is sometimes cheaper to use a more expensive yard where it is all included than to buy all the extras yourself though. Work out exactly what you need each month and stick to it. Avoid tack shops like the plague unless you actually need something, or you win the lottery! Easiest way to make horse owning an expensive hobby is to visit tack shops!:eek: :D
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thank you everyone for your replies...i will try to write more tomorrow as OH is home now.

OH is very good and doesn't moan too much. Money issues are left to me and we can afford to keep her but i don't want that to be at the expense of having my kitchen done or something to benefit the whole family! The sharer did help out cost wise.

She is shod on fronts and barefoot behind at the moment as got a bit footsore being barefoot all round. I admit she doesn't eat much (1/2 scoof hi-fi and 1/2 handful of high fibre cubes twice a day and glug of veg oil and garlic powder once a day)

I do love being with her every day but do feel like emotionally i have quite a lot to deal with (other people at the yard don't help, but i'm the first to admit i can be over-sensitive)

One thing i love about my mare although probably wrongly is she did very well for herself until her teenage years then she hit a rough spot, a bad owner before me and now if she likes you she'll love you to pieces, run across the field to you etc but if she doesn't then she'll play up, not let sharer catch her etc. I think if i didn't have a bond with her i would probably give up on her. I'm not convinced if anthing happened to her i'd get another pony but then some days i sit their dreaming about a little foaly type thing! lol can't win.

I wanted to show her this year too and think i may have scared myself about how expensive all those nice show things are.

Have also had to pay out for new driving harness, pony cart, feed buckets, grazing mask, headcollar, turnout rug and summer sheet and new shoes this month which i don't think have helped.
 
KateWooten said:
I guess the way I'd look at it is, we all make choices and decisions along the line. Some of choose to invest everything in a career, and miss out somewhat on families ... some of choose to have children, with all the time and expense that goes into raising them well... some of choose not to, or can't have children - and end up with more time and money as a consequence. Everyone makes these decisions all the time - choosing to have money over time, horses over children, family over career. But we have to live with the consequences. If you have four children, then you must really like children, right ? That's how you've chosen to spend the time and money available to you. It's a lot of children ! Surely then, your main interest, your hobby, what drives you... is raising and training your generation of new people ?

I think if I had a child or two, they'd take over not just my time and money but also my inspiration and motivation. I think I'd be hard pushed to focus on another big thing, like raising a horse for example, while my real love and passion was on raising and educating the little people.

If you find yourself spread too thin, and not really able to do justice to horse, kids, family, work all at once then something probably has to give. Maybe the horse thing could be postponed til the children are older and more independent ? I don't know - I just feel that the early years of anyone's life - human or horse - are so short and so valuable that they really deserve our undivided attention.
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the above is a great idea on a outlook of life...but just to dissapoint.

I had my first child at 19 unexpectadly. due to having her i sold my 3yr old filly so in a way you are right. I planned my next son and still had no horses. was a stay at home mum. My relationship broke down and that's exactly all i was left with...the kids and although we get on great i always felt a little low as i was always doing things quite rightly for them. I then met my now husband and had my third child (which was a surprise as i had a coil!) quickly 13 months later by my fourth which was sort of planned. It is not wise for me to have any more children due to health and i battle with the whole...someday the children will grow up, leave and that will be it and the whole...must stay at home and cherish my baby's . okay to be truthful if i could i'd probably have another baby in time, its true i do love them all to pieces and to some degree thats why i got the pony as although i can concieve it would not be a great idea. Maybe thats why this is so hard, because i wouldn't give up on my baby and now the pony is my baby (but i don't get child benefit for it lol) dunno think i;ve muddled myself up more!
 
Don't want to speak out of line, but...

You sound like you really want it. I belive you will find a way. If it starts really not working, you will want to change something.

It sounds really hard, and I'm sorry for your upset.
 
Sarah_Sayers said:
Don't want to speak out of line, but...

You sound like you really want it. I belive you will find a way. If it starts really not working, you will want to change something.

It sounds really hard, and I'm sorry for your upset.
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thank you ...is spent some time with my kids AND the pony together today...poo picking, great task but at least we were all involved. And my dad came and tried to talk me into selling her and at that point i started telling him all the reasons i should keep her. he then laughted at me and said i shouldn't sell her as i obvouisly wanted to keep her so much., and he's right.

I think a lot of it is i don't really have many proper friends (didn't move here long ago) and i haven't a lot of self confidence so when someone says i should spend more time with the kids or when someone says my pony is useless and they don't want to share then i take it to heart.

I have had a chat with YO and they have agreed the possibility of me having another sharer to help with cost even though they don't like new people down there.

I don't know if i am going to stay at my current yard but thats another story for which i might put a poll up about in the near future as the yards here are all so different
 
I don't think you are being selfish. You need your own space and time away from work and family. Your pony gives you this.

As for the money, keeping a pony doesn't have to cost a lot. When you look at what a pony actualy NEEDS it is very little compared to all the extras that people buy for their neddies.

You can make compromises in other areas, reduce what you spend on yourself in other ways. Shop in charity shops or eBay. Lots of women would rater be homeless than go without an 80 quid hair-do, salon leg wax and manicure etc every month.... If you are in to that sort of thing, do it yourself at home instead!


Keeping a pony will actualy benifit your children, your 8 year old is riding and I ma sure the others get to spend more time out doors than they would do otherwise.
 
I do not think you are being selfish at all.

Everyone needs life outside work/family commitments. Your livery cost is not excessive compared to may other hobbies eg football season pass etc. If your 8 year old is enjoying being around your pony too you are teaching her the responsibilty of animal care to boot!
 
I think if you can afford it then horse riding/keeping is excellent for children. They learn responsibility for the animal, have fun, and best of all are outside in the fresh air! Too many children spend far too much time in front of tv or playstation type things. My granddaughter lives with me, as does her mum, and has from being v tiny come to the yard on a nearly daily basis. At 2 1/2 she has her "chores" picking buttercups and flints which go in her wheelbarrow. She loves helping groom and bless them the horses are really gentle round her.
You as a parent also need "you time" otherwise you can resent the children even tho you love them dearly.
 
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I get frazzled trying to juggle ONE child, full-time work and a bit of riding, so I have no idea at all how you cope with four ! You are Superwoman ! Alfies-slave hit it right on the head when she/he said that having a pony doesn't actually have to cost a lot, especially when you have the time and the manpower (childpower?) to do the bulk of the work yourself.

Its good for children to learn about caring for an animal, especially something as hands-on as a pony. Its also good for them to learn that having the things they want in life requires some sacrifices. Finally, i think as mothers we are sometimes conditioned by the media and people around us to be entirely selfless, and to give ourselves over entirely to our children and partners, and put all our own needs and wants onto a back burner....and i don't think its healthy for ANYONE to be the family martyr. Its good for you to be a little bit selfish sometimes, and do something that makes you truly happy. I cringe sometimes when I think how much I spend on riding lessons (I don't have my own horse - yet) - but the other day, I came home from my lesson and my husband commented that it was the happiest he'd seen me look for a long time. He gets a happy wife, my daughter gets a happy mum, I get to do something that makes me happy, and its a win situation for all of us.

That was a very long-winded way of say, don't you dare get rid of your pony !
 
I just wanted to say about your yard not liking new people.......that is so crazy. What if some people left and they needed to get in a couple more liveries. They would feel so isolated and i htink thats not a very healthy attitude to have towards 'new' people.

On the other note, you do sound like a lovely person that is trying very hard to cope with a lot! However as others have said, you need your 'me' time. If horses are your thing then its that or nothing! And nothing can result in bad times indeed.
Communication is the key, talk to OH, tell him your worries, talk to the liveries and advertise for a sharer. Itl all come together in the end :)
 
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