Lonely but giving up? What should I do?

Billy

Billy

Member
Jan 26, 2006
573
1
18
High Wycombe
Hi guys,

This is a very strange thread to start because I'm actually in a really good mood, but somehow feel it would be good to get a few things off my chest to some faceless people! Sorry, this might be a ramble :rolleyes:

I'm 21 and I've never had a 'proper' relationship. I have a close circle of girlie friends from school, and a close bunch of girls at Uni (and some unavailable blokes), so I'm never short of people around me, and when I'm happy I can be pretty sociable.

But I go through spells of 'sadness' (not gonna say the big 'D' word, because I don't think I'm depressed). I also have a very strange 'intermittent' shyness that I can never shake off, then sometimes I just snap out of being shy. It's very strange!

I fell for one of my best mates in first year and we spent the whole year dithering around, and then finally hooked up for a few weeks. But then he f***ed off with an ex-girlfriend, and actually hurt me more than I realised. Oh, and I lost my virginity to him, which hacked me off pretty well :eek:.

At school I pulled a few blokes in clubs and things, but never had a boyfriend then.

Also, I have loads of great male role models in the family, I'm close to my parents and my brother, and uncles etc! So most guys (poor things) have a lot to live up to.

Oh, I went on a couple of dates with this fella over the summer, we really hit it off, but I don't know how to take it to the next stage. We saw each other at Christmas and I could almost feel myself backing off and getting less interested. It's pathetic.

But I have had 'male' encounters, I'm starting to think I'm so used to being single, I get scared if things could progress.

Now I've come to a very strange point in my life. On one hand I have emotionally given up, which means I don't try at all around the opposite sex, and I'm preparing to be an old spinster with lots of cats. This is kind of nice and calming! But fills me with a lot of sadness.

But on the other hand I feel I should be making more of an effort to go and find someone...

Has anyone been through the same sort of thing? How did you all meet the people you are with? When were your first serious relationships? Please be honest, I could do with people telling me they didn't meet thier OH until they were in thier 30s (which gives me plenty of time!!!). Also it would help to hear that other people were late starters!!!

Don't tell me to wait and see 'Mr Right' (ironic really, as my surname is Wright :cool:) is round the corner! I'm tired of people telling me that! Bit of reassurrance please!

:rolleyes:

xx
 
I have nothing reassurring to add, apart from I have hopped from one long term relationship to another since I was 15... I think that the stress and upset they caused, I would have been better off single :p It would have affected my studies much less at 6th form thats for sure!

My cousin will be 30 in November, she is with her first boyfriend and theyve been together 8months and just bought a house.... dont worry!!!!!
 
Don't give up! I was pretty much the same as you. I was about to throw in the towel. I went from hooking up with loads of guys at clubs. Then I had an affair with my best friend who was getting married. I called it off eventually (after more than a year) and it really did break my heart.

I then decided that I really wanted to settle down and so came my serial dating idea. Anyone that I could get to go out with me I went out with. I met several complete s**ts and had lost all hope and was getting ready to become a nun or try the lesbian scene.

I then met my OH at a barn dance! It was a really weird because he wasn't horsey (he'd come with another liveries partner as a mate), he was supposed to be in spain on holiday, he was ill and he had only known his 'mate' for a short time. I had got it in my head too that I was going to go after this other guy at the party and I can now see that that would have been a huge mistake.

I love my OH to pieces and want to be married! (yes married! ME! I thought I'd lost all faith in it as a child)

Please don't give up hope :) (I know its not what you want to hear sorry!)
 
Hi Billy

Your post made me smile - many of us could have written the exact same post when we were 21 (Im nearly 41 now). I remember feeling a little lost and lonely and at times being 'sad' despite having friends and people around me. Not being in a relationship makes you become very concious of other relationships and theres that inherant pressure to become part of a couple plus I also think not being in a touchy/sexual relationship makes you very touch and body concious.

I know you dont want to hear this at 21 but its all still part of growing up, discovering who you are and the kind of person you want to be and be with. Its not easy but it is perfectly normal and I promise - it doesnt last for ever. Its the last, slightly more self aware, vestiges of teenage angst!

The fact that you have had some 'encounters' should reassure you that you have the necessary social skills etc to make that connection but clearly, you just arent ready for a 'proper' relationship. Its such a cliche but it really will happen when its time. You wont find yourself wanting to distance yourself - you'll take a deep breath and jump in feet first, just to see what happens. You might sink, you might swim but you'll want to try the water ;)

The prospect of beng an old spinster with loads of cats always remains appealing and Ive been married for 20 odd years!

I'm starting to think I'm so used to being single, I get scared if things could progress
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Yeah absolutely - its so different. I would relish in all the great things about being single while you can - spending 3 hours in the bath, eating toast in bed and no-one to moan about the crumbs, doing your make up with pants keeping your hair back as no-one is looking nor taking the **** etc etc

You seem to have lots of good and positive relationships with family and friends so please reassure yourself its not about you - you clearly CAN have positive relationship - you just havent 'clicked' with anyone yet. You will but perhaps need to get to know yourself better first?

Best of luck. And if you are actively seeking a partner remember to aim for the farmers/farriers/vets first!!!!!
 
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince!!

Seriously, until you are happy with yourself and by yourself then thats when you meet Mr Right. I was 29 when hubby and I got together and had pretty much given up on men and was more than happy to share my life with my pets rather than a man! I'd already had one failed marriage behind me and truly thought i'd be on my own for ever.

Fast forward 10 years and i couldnt be happier. I think the best partners are ones that start off as pals and then progress from there - just my opinion tho.
 
Believe me, I've been there!!!;)

If only you could look into the future and see that in 5, 10 or whatever years time you will be in a wonderful partnership then you could chill out and enjoy currently being single! That's what I always used to think!

I was much the same as you really. I wasn't short of "dates" but never really had relationships as such. I also always tended to go for the wrong guys!

You will find it when you least expect it. You will hear that so many times but it's so true!

I met my husband when I was 29 and we were living together 3 months later and married after another year. My friends couldn't believe it as I'd sort of "overtaken" them in the marriage stakes. They were all in lengthy relationships but were married after me. Not that there was a competition! I'm 36 now and a few of my friends are getting married this year, some are single too and we're all the same age. There's plenty of time!

Just try to enjoy being single. Focus on the positives, there are many! It's great having no one else to consider. You can do exactly what you like and have no one to answer to! Looking back, I'm glad I spent a lot of time single. Some of my friends went from one relationship to another. When you spend time alone, you get to know what makes you tick. You need to know that before you can expect someone else to.

Just take the pressure off yourself and enjoy! :)
 
I too hoped for a long term relationship from about 15 years and although i never was short of offers they were usually from the men i didn't want a relationship with just friendships. I have had relationships lasting 2 -3 years max before but found once the honeymoon period fizzled out i got bored and wanted to be out with my friends being young and stupid!

I felt when my relationship broke down with my daughters dad that i would be left on the shelf and no one would want someone with a child in tow.

Then i met my current fella and dad to my son (He is also dad to my daughter as she doesn't know who her real dad is as he denies all knowledge of her if he can).

We will have been together for nearly 4 years now and although i know we will be together for a long time to come, i still crave my own space. I loved being on my own but like you got lonely and felt i needed someone to fill that gap.

I never went looking he sort of found me (met initially over the net on a car forum). I used to be into modified cars and so did he, so when we went to a car show at Silverstone we decided to meet up. Things sort of went on from there really and i'm sure you can guess the rest ;) (I am 30 on saturday by the way. lol)

There is someone out there for everyone, you just have to know what you want in a man and don't go looking as you will never find it. My man ain't perfect but what man is (or i could be too picky! :D)

I'm sure you will find what your looking for when you least expect it! :)
 
Why do you feel that you need a relationship? Just enjoy other people's company - male or female. When you aren't expecting something more lasting will come along.

Also, remember that people in a relationship also get lonely. Sometimes I think its harder to deal with because you can blame them for making you feel lonely whereas when you aren't in a relationship you just kinda cope with that.

I got married quite young and had 2 kids, but the marriage only lasted for 3 years. Just take your time.
 
of course you're not the only one feeling that way.

In my third year of uni I lived with 3 girls who were all in 2/3/4 year relationships and used to go on AAAAALLLLLLL the time about my boyfriend this, my boyfriend that, blah blah blah. Most of this time I laughed it off and joked about how much I was enjoying being single (and I was!) but occasionally it got to me and I'd go off for a little cry about not having what they had. But I'm so glad I didnt jump into a relationship with just anyone, I'm confident and happy by myself and I'm in a great relationship now because of it.

You sound like the sort of person who find it's easier to meet guys when you're friends with them so are there any new clubs you want to join? Oh I'm not very good at advice but chin up and be safe in the knowledge that you are not the only one thinking that way
 
well I wished I backed off of guys at your age for a bit, I met my ex when I was 17 and we were married at 22 and seperated at 24!!! So for me getting 'serious' young was the wrong move - enjoy the single life doing exactly what you want when you want, then 'Mr Right' will come along when the time is right, it does sound like you've put a guard up because you've been hurt before but I bet when you meet someone special you'll let your guard down again - dont be too much in a rush.
 
Aw I really would try not to worry about it, it's perfectly normal. I'm in a fairly similar situation, I'm 22 and single and all my other friends are in long term relationships/ engaged/ starting families etc. When I was at Uni (and before) I had a number of relationships, but now I just feel it's 'time to be single' for abit. The only advice I would give you is to try not to think about it too much, the more you dwell on it, the worse you will probably feel! There is nothing wrong with being single, and you're still young :)
 
Thanks guys! I realise this did sound a bit teenage angsty - probably a sign that I need a bit more growing up!

It's one of those things that 'the young' always do, I remember at 16 having exactly the same worries as I do now and believing I was so old and mature and grown-up. I think I've always tried to be more 'grown-up' than I am. Which probably results in the opposite!

I'm way too practical and cautious for my own good, which means I overthink everything. The funny thing is I KNOW all this kind of stuff, especially advice about no one should NEED to be in a relationship and you shouldn't be in one until you are happy with yourself, but making yourself FEEL it is a bit different :). Remembering also that people with partners are not always happy, and I'd definitely rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.

Does anyone imagine how great it would be to have an off switch for thier brain? :rolleyes:

xx
 
Alot of people have given advice from the side where they have been through something and it has worked out well. I wasn't going to post because I am still single but I thought sod it I'll add my twopence worth!

I remember thinking the way you are now. I was especially bad for getting drunk and asking my mates what was wrong with me. I've been single for most of my 20s mainly because I vowed off guys following some bad relationships which convinced me that for me, it just wasn't worth the misery.
If I'd known at 20 that I would still be single at 30 then I wouldn't have been too thrilled with the idea. But you get used to it. You get used to being incredibly selfish and happy in your own company. I think I spend about 10% of my time and thoughts considering how nice it would be to have a bloke in my life but the rest of the time I'm worrying about falling off a horse.
One of the best things is the anticipation of finding the right person for you. Enjoy the day dreaming and sparks that fly when you meet someone that might be the one.
Right I've rambled my opinion, just wanted to say, everyone finds someone at a different time. I haven't given up hope, but I am much more comfortable with being the single one in my group. Ironically I get asked for a lot of relationship advice because I can see things with such fresh eyes.

Billy said:
I'm way too practical and cautious for my own good, which means I overthink everything.

Does anyone imagine how great it would be to have an off switch for thier brain? :rolleyes:

xx
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If you're studying neuroscience and manage to find that off switch then please, I'll be your guinea pig!
 
Well, unlike you I met OH when I was 16 and we're still together (aw pass the sick bag!!!) but I was always a little envious of people like yourself who had lots of girl mates (and boys) and whose lives were uncomplicated! Although I wouldn't change a thing, I have to say that my life has been rather complicated with romance from a very early age! its not all been plain sailing I can tell you! I used to envy girls that didn't have the same committments as myself (don't mean that I resented being in a relationship - just that sometimes it was hard work in many ways). I didn't have the blessing of my parents at that time either, they thought we were too young and had more to see of life. They didn't understand we wanted to see it together, but thats by the by and I'm now waffling......(good job I don't come on here when I've had a lager or a babycham!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is just enjoy yourself - don't worry too much about being single and don't read too much into life. You're 21 - you're invincible and you are free to do and choose the life you want. Enjoy! You'll look back when you're a crotchety old woman with 10 grandkids and sigh and remember your single years........
 
Ive been with my OH since I was 16 - am now 60:eek: Dont regret that at all because I still actually quite like the silly old fart :rolleyes:but must confess I do occasionally envy you younger ones who are still having a great time in your 20s and 30s

I think now people seem to get married or settle down much later than we did back then. Both my sons are single in their 30s - had a few relationships some long term but mostly not. My nieces (all in their early 30s) are also happily single and having a ball.

Just enjoy everything you do while you are young is my advice - you dont need a partner in tow to have a full and fullfilling life IMO. ;)
 
most of my friends are single - you aren't alone!! i've probably only had 3 serious relationships (am 27), longest being 8 years which had fizzled out but ironically since the OH moved out we've been getting on so much better). I always believe that clubs/pubs are a terrible place to meet people. I'd get out and join some clubs and activities. I've also a few pals who've met through online dating sites. No personal experience but it worked for them! my advice is not to get tied down too early, and don't worry about what you "should" be doing. I met my OH when i was only 19 and i've changed so much since then which was a factor in it all going icky - he being 6 years older had already figured out who he was. i hadn't. chin up! :)
 
Get together with another single girl friend and join My Single Friend.

You might not meet anyone that's Mr Wright ;) but you can go on a few dates (think cheap, if not free, dinners :cool:), laugh at the awful dates and you never know what might happen :) It'll give you a good confidence boost if nothing else, everyone loves an excuse to get a bit dressed up ;)
 
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