I need some friends..

MrA

MrA

Well-Known Member
Feb 8, 2012
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Ah so this is already sounding pathetic haha.

I don't have any friends really, except people I chat to at work a little and the nice people who talk to me on here :) but I really want a friend I can go out to places with or just hang and have a laugh with.

I do try, I'm not really sure why I don't have any, guess I'm just a bit different, or boring and weird! Really I'd love to have friends I could ride or hang down the stables with, or that had the same interests as me, but that's just things like animals and cinema, so nothing unusual. Think I'm missing out quite a bit as I have to do everything on my own

Just been getting me down lately I guess, any advice?
 
Could you enrol on a horse course of any kind? BHS owners certificate or Stage 1 or NVQ? I've made a lot of friends that way, plus instructors turned friends. It doesnt happen overnight but worth a try x
 
I know what you mean Ale.

I do have some really good friends but they are either not horsey or busy doing their own. The only way I get to see people is if I 'book' with them weeks in advance. All my friends lead busy lives working and looking after their own horses and families etc. Its hard to catch up. Its the same with my family, we all live miles apart. My husband is always busy working and when he does get time off he has to fit his own 'other duties' in.

I find winter a particularly lonely time, everyone seems to disappear, then when the sun comes out I get people coming out of the woodwork, saying things like 'can we pop to see your horses', 'do you fancy a dog walk' etc.

I have to say I am like it too, one of my friends will say 'do you fancy the gym', 'come round for a coffee', 'come to Salsa' with me etc. I just don't have time for those sorts of pursuits.

At my new field, there is only one other person. She is really nice but works most of the time and goes up at different times, I expect we will see more of one another in the Summer.

With three horses I have to be a jack of all trades and often feel like I need extra arms and legs. I have thought of advertising for sharers in the summer, but tbh I am not sure I can be a..ed. The last time I did this all I got was a load of texts from time wasters:eek:

I think Clares idea is good, I now when I did my NVQ I met loads of people, it was great fun and some of them are still friends although they have fallen into the 'booking' category.

Have you thought about joining a cycling club? these are hugely popular round here and you get all ages taking over the roads at week ends.

Walking groups are also very popular.

I don't know if you are religious at all but a youth group at some churches (you might have to try a few to meet the 'right' type) are really good.

I think there are a lot of young people in the same boat as you atm. My son doesn't have many friends he can associate with locally, everyone seems to be very spread about the country so he is in the 'booking' scenario like me.

Good job we have the internet really.
 
What's the yard your on like now with regards to other liveries? Do you have any riding clubs in your area?

If I'm honest I don't really have a group of friends here either. I'm hoping to get to know some mothers at parent & toddler groups now that baby has arrived. I met a lady in hospital when I was in labour and she doesn't live too far away so I'm making sure I force myself to keep in touch!

The problem I find at my yard is that I'm the only one around 30yrs old, everyone else is under 22 or 45+ so we are in different stages of our lives. But I do take one girl to lots of shows and we go to horsey events together so we are friends but never hang out in a non-horsey way!
 
I'm not sure of anywhere near me that does horse courses but ill look into it, I have my stage 1 but perhaps could do my 2, thanks.

Thanks for all the suggestions Tina, unfortunately I ride the wrong sort of bike for cycling groups, I'm a mountain bike girl and would like to join an off road club but can't find any. Not sure if walking groups would just be older people, struggle to think of anyone my age except me who enjoys it. I looked at my local college and all the courses are things like fashion and beauty which I don't think I would enjoy.

Erm all my other liveries are either 16 or under or 40 and over so like you I don't really fit in the groups. Also they all have sporty and competition horses and I have my (lovely) little haffy. Only clubs done at the stables is pony club and can't do that. Thanks for the ideas though
 
I can completely relate to this, and have been asking the same question to people myself, "how do you make friends?"
I suppose I have noticed it more since separating from my husband last year, and with teenage children I am able to pop out and see people, but my best friends are in Australia, ones just had a baby, the other is really busy with 3 younger kids works during the day and then 3 evenings a week, it is really lonely. I always remember my dad saying to me that when I get older I will be able to count my true friends on one hand, I laughed at him....but oh how true!

I keep thinking of joining the local hockey club, 1 to get fit doing something I used to love doing and 2 to make friends.

I suppose it is finding something that interests you so you both have something in common. x x
 
I know how you feel too Ale, up until recently I used to make many acquaintances that I had something in common with but no real friends. In the last year I have been really lucky to have met a whole circle of ladies of a certain age who have spare time on their hands again as kids are all becoming independent so we ride and natter and do things together in the evenings etc but this has all come later on in life.
I think you need friends you have things in common with, why don't you advertise for a hacking bud, on our local horsey ad web site there are often ads like that or in your local tack shop maybe.
I am a great believer in the fact that if you are feeling like this then someone else will be, and they are waiting to meet you and your gorgeous Haffie xxx
 
Lots of good advice with regard to joining a club or maybe enrolling on some kind of course - I think they would be good ways to meet potential friends. As I've got older I've found it harder to make new friends, I think you just do sometimes. I have only really two good friends that I don't see that often, but we do write (very old fashioned!lol) and of course every now and again have a good natter on the phone. It is hard when people move away and get busy with different things but we always keep up to date with each other and they are the kind of people I can go a long time without seeing - but still feel like we know what's what with each other.
I would have said being on a yard is a good a place as any to make new friends, but of course that all depends on the size of your yard. Both places we kept ours were large and busy, and plenty of different age groups.
I am sure you will meet some eventually.
 
Ale said:
I'm not sure of anywhere near me that does horse courses but ill look into it, I have my stage 1 but perhaps could do my 2, thanks.

Thanks for all the suggestions Tina, unfortunately I ride the wrong sort of bike for cycling groups, I'm a mountain bike girl and would like to join an off road club but can't find any. Not sure if walking groups would just be older people, struggle to think of anyone my age except me who enjoys it. I looked at my local college and all the courses are things like fashion and beauty which I don't think I would enjoy.

Erm all my other liveries are either 16 or under or 40 and over so like you I don't really fit in the groups. Also they all have sporty and competition horses and I have my (lovely) little haffy. Only clubs done at the stables is pony club and can't do that. Thanks for the ideas though
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Aww hun, don't know what to suggest but please don't discount some of the 'oldies' you meet, I have two lovely horsey friends one is 27 the other is 31 and I'm 50 but we get on very well and always are there for each other.
What about your sharer? Could you get together with her/him and maybe do something?
 
I agree with kite rider,I'm 27 and my 2 closest friends are in their 40s I have more in common with people who are older than me and I know its not all but most people of my age group where I live want to get drunk,meet men,gossip and generally lay about which is the complete opposite of me.my older fronds and I have a whale of a time and such a laugh :D
A walking club I think would be a great idea and I bet you would have a fantastic time!
 
Another one here who agrees that you don't need to stick to friends your own age. I'm fifty but am friendly with people aged from early thirties to late sixties, it's just that the relationships tend to be slightly different. Just as good, just different.

Only other piece of advice, and this will require courage on your part, is this; you say there are no mountain biking clubs around your area? So why not start one yourself? Couple of card ads in shop windows, local pubs etc or on any little local freebee mags might draw a few people out who are thinking just the same as you. If you want to be cautious to start, you could maybe set up a yahoo account for them to contact you on just for this purpose which you could disable if you need to. Even if you only get one or two replies, just remember that everyone you meet has the potential to introduce you to other people they know....it can snowball from there.

Lastly, don't go thinking you're 'sad' or 'boring' or any nonsense like that. I think you'll be surprised, other people you see walking around whom you assume are laden with thousands of friends may well be feeling the same as you!
 
Ok, I might get shot down for my response, but please please please remember I'm saying this because I care, some of how you feel reminds me of my own experiences when I was your age and I want to help!

Ale said:
I do try, I'm not really sure why I don't have any, guess I'm just a bit different, or boring and weird!
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I think in this day and age, weird and different are absolutely celebrated and to be sought after as qualities! Dinnae be so hard on yourself. I don't know about the boring bit, I can't imagine that to be the case if you're horsey and can find folk that share the same interests. Horsey folk all LOVE talking horse. Its mandatory! I find a horsey person, and instantly we hit it off. I think I bore nonhorsey folk with my Flipo talk, so I'm just careful (or I think I am) not to overload them with it!
I've noticed your self depreciating comments about looks, your personality in the past and shared them when I was younger. I know its clichéd, but ten years on, I've realised how much it doesn't matter. As you get older, you'll not care so much. You become more self assured. For that reason, I don't think there's anything wrong with having older friends. I'm mates with a 22 year old who has horses, and have friends who are in their 40's 50's 60's. Age is not important and maybe you'll find more accepting folk in different age groups. Don't rule out folk that don't immediately fit the glossy TV and media idea of friends. Its not real life.

I really think you have a low opinion of yourself and you need to think of some positive affirmations mrs - you're just as important as the next person and deserve a happy life. BUT. You have to take charge and make it happen for yourself as no one will do it for you. I know that's a harsh statement but you can sit and have a moan, but unless you follow it up with actually putting yourself out of your comfort zone, jumping in at the deep end and trying to do something about your situation, you're just wallowing and you are the only one who will suffer in the long run. Do it for yourself, you owe it to you to be happy.


Ale said:
Really I'd love to have friends I could ride or hang down the stables with, or that had the same interests as me, but that's just things like animals and cinema, so nothing unusual. Think I'm missing out quite a bit as I have to do everything on my own
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So horses are the way to go. You've already veto'd the idea about other folk on your yard being friends. You don't sound too enthusiastic about doing a horsey course. You don't think you can do a cycling club or walking club. Is there a magic answer you're looking for from us? What would be exactly what you want to hear as the answer on here?

What about the riding club someone suggested? What about finding a sharer, someone who wants to be involved with horses? Its coming up to summer time and there will be someone horsey in your area that is at uni studying and would like a bit of fun. I know you question your horse's ability - maybe someone who's doing a horsey degree would relish the challenge and you could spend time together.
Advertise for a hacking partner. Do it! Don't just think about it!! Put yourself out there - but do it at a level you are comfortable with. It won't be too unnerving to make a sign up and get it put in a tack shop - or put it online on preloved or something. Let them come to you! Arrange to meet them at the horse so that you have a focus and can build conversation around Ale.

Ale said:
Just been getting me down lately I guess, any advice?
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My advice.......take our advice. Watch your perspective. You are quite quick to veto some of the ideas listed and I think this comes from your outlook - that its all never going to go right. You need to have a bit of hope and an open mind for things to work out. Otherwise you end up putting up objections for all ideas and remain in a sad place.
 
I too don't have that many good friends. I have people I can talk to and pass the time of day with but there are very few people I actually want to seek out to spend my precious time with!

My family are mostly who I want to be with. I keeping thinking I 'ought' to be wanting to hang out with others, that my world is too narrow. I also wonder how many people would be at my funeral if i died tomorrow and tbh I don't think there would be many (I'm not gloomy about it though, I just wonder).

In truth, I've come to the conclusion that although I'm fine in social situations and I enjoy the limited things I currently do, I don't actually want to give up any more of my previous time to be with others and certainly not when it impedes on my precious little family time. Those that I do want to be with I really put myself out to be with and its very much worth it. Anyone else I don't make hard and fast plans with, make excuses etc and am relieved that I can cut myself off from the world and please myself.

It was the same in the 80's when I was at school (and I see the same in my daughter now), I got on with everyone and was a bit of a butterfly, happy to flit from group to group with no enemies but nobody I wanted to spend all my time with. I don't think its a bad thing.

Makes me realise that most of people we like the company of in everyday life we wouldn't actually seek out to be with if fate hasn't thrown us together, no matter how enjoyable today with them was!
 
Kite_Rider said:
Aww hun, don't know what to suggest but please don't discount some of the 'oldies' you meet, I have two lovely horsey friends one is 27 the other is 31 and I'm 50 but we get on very well and always are there for each other.
What about your sharer? Could you get together with her/him and maybe do something?
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Don't worry I won't, older people tend to look after me! And they are always very Friendly and welcoming. My sharers are twin 16 year old girls, don't really have much in common with them and they have their own friends already
 
Tbh thinking about it I never managed to make good friends at school, college, any of my jobs, charity work, riding lessons or anything else I've done so a club or whatever would probably be no different.

You're probably very right flipos mum that it is more likely my atiitude holding me back. Only problem with that is I'm not a very negative person in real life (yes I havey moments but who doesn't) I mean I'm pretty enthusiastic, I laugh at everything, even the stupidest things.I'm friendly and have lots of interest aka lots to talk about. I do find it hard to approach people though. And I am however realistic, I only wasn't very keen about the ideas suggested because I don't think they are doable having either looked into them before or because they are just not going to work, but I will look into them.

I posted here because I was just wondering if anyone would suggest things that I hadn't thought of which they did and to share how they made friends as maybe that would inspire me.

I think maybe it is more to do with who I am as a person now, I think I could easily go to 10 groups a week and still not make any real friends. Probably is just something about the way I am, dunno.
 
Ale being in the RAF I know a lot of people I have very few friends. You get to a new camp and meet people they get posted on.

My closest friend at the moment is due to be posted in Aug, I am gutted we became friends when she moved to my yard (she is not in the RAF but her OH is) we go out for dinner together eat round each others housing, shop, YH live she is the closest thing to the BM I have had in years and she is going.:frown: I am gutted.

I have to say that my OH is my BM and the one I turn to for everything but I do understand how you feel. I have a habit if turning people against me. I don't know how I do it but I do.

I guess I am just not mate material.

Tina gave some really good advise which I would follow if I was not due to be posted again soon myself:frown:
 
Do join a hockey club k8te, I am a member of a hockey club (obv not played this season due to being preggers) but my downfall is not forcing myself to interact with them outside of hockey so it's my own fault tat I got closer to them. One lady does bring her autistic boy to the stables to help me once a week, I'd say we r friends but again we don socialise outside of hockey or horses. I'm determined to make more of an effort next season. Also I'm going to force myself to get to know other mothers at toddler groups....we shall see!
 
Your probably have lots of potential friends already, you just need to work on those friendships. You say that there are people at work who you speak to. What about casually asking if anyone would like to come on a trip to the cinema one Friday night? Or, what about trying to find an excuse to have a works night out? There must be some occasion - someone birthday, promotion, engagement etc. that you could use as an excuse to get together outside of work. You may not be friends with them at the moment, but if you get to know them a bit better who knows where it may lead?

The same would go with people at the yard. Could you ask around to see if anyone would like to go to a show or demonstration. I wouldn't rule out the 16yr old sharers either. You could arrange to go to a horsey event with them and then ask other people on the yard to join you? People are very different in different situations. At my yard I am often in a hurry, don't have time to speak to people as I need to get back home as quickly as I can. But when I take the time to really speak to people I probably come across as a completely different person. Even if you don't think that you could be good friends with anyone that you already know, just give them a chance.

What about your boyfriends work colleagues? Could you get him to organise a works night out and see if there is anyone there who you click with?
 
Mary Poppins said:
Your probably have lots of potential friends already, you just need to work on those friendships. You say that there are people at work who you speak to. What about casually asking if anyone would like to come on a trip to the cinema one Friday night? Or, what about trying to find an excuse to have a works night out? There must be some occasion - someone birthday, promotion, engagement etc. that you could use as an excuse to get together outside of work. You may not be friends with them at the moment, but if you get to know them a bit better who knows where it may lead?

The same would go with people at the yard. Could you ask around to see if anyone would like to go to a show or demonstration. I wouldn't rule out the 16yr old sharers either. You could arrange to go to a horsey event with them and then ask other people on the yard to join you? People are very different in different situations. At my yard I am often in a hurry, don't have time to speak to people as I need to get back home as quickly as I can. But when I take the time to really speak to people I probably come across as a completely different person. Even if you don't think that you could be good friends with anyone that you already know, just give them a chance.

What about your boyfriends work colleagues? Could you get him to organise a works night out and see if there is anyone there who you click with?
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Thankyou, this is a great post! I really should stop looking for new people and just try more with the ones I already talk to. :)
 
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