I'm not even bothering to introduce myself to the board in general yet because the last couple of months have been so bad I'm honestly wondering if I'll ever ride again. I want to, but, I've been so thoroughly soured by my experiences with riding lessons that I don't know if I can.
I'm in my 30s and have always loved horses and always wanted to learn how to ride. It didn't happen until I was in my 20s and able to scrape enough money together to go once a week to a stable that was iffy. The instructors were nice enough, but not safety conscious (wearing a helmet wasn't required), and since I did small group lessons I didn't learn a ton. I had to quit for financial reasons after a bit over a year and at that point I could saddle a horse, with some help, but didn't know how to clean hooves or bridle them etc. I was also taught almost exclusively Western riding, and frankly wasn't very good - I couldn't feel the horse moving under the saddle and it was nearly impossible for me to actually squeeze the horse because the leathers over the stirrups were too thick for my leg muscles to handle. In sum total I'd say I managed to learn how to do a decent posting trot on a not-bouncy horse and that's about it.
Fast forward another 2 years. I've moved 450 miles away and I decide to try again, this time with private lessons with an ARIA-certified instructor. I learned a ton. I switched to English style and was amazed by how much more comfortable it was, and over a year got better and better. Still not amazing but I was definitely making progress and having a blast doing it. Even my bad lessons were good days because I learned something from sucking. My instructor was sweet and supportive, even when she criticized and made me try things again. I tried hard and never complained about being criticized. I felt cared for. One of my virtues is that I'm mostly aware of whether I'm actually doing something well or not; I loathe fake praise and I appreciate being corrected as long as it's constructive and not "no, you moron, not like that." I loved the "ponies" (none of which were actually ponies) and the barn cat and lessons were the highlight of my week.
And then I fell. My first-ever fall happened while doing a warm and fuzzy gentle trot. My mare saw....something (no idea what, it was a warm sunny day, blue skies, silent), and went from a trot into standing stock-still. I fell toward her withers, and it would have been fine except she then jumped sideways a millisecond later while I was still unbalanced. I flew off and landed on an outstretched arm.
Short story, the elbow on my dominant arm was completely shattered. First fall, first time I've broken a bone. I needed a six-hour surgery to reconstruct the joint and have so much metal on either side of the joint that it seriously looks like the surgeon built the Eiffel Tower in my arm. Surgeon said it was the most complicated reconstruction he's ever done and that it looked like someone straight up took a chisel and sheared part of the bone out of place. He also said that I'll regain a lot of normal function but will probably never be able to fully straighten it again and also that it will be arthritic/stiff the rest of my life.
That wasn't even what ruined riding for me. I didn't blame the horse, who was very apologetic when she figured out that she'd tossed me, and I didn't blame the teacher because it was literally the freakiest of freak accidents. She couldn't have done anything. I may have been saved if I'd been deeper in the saddle, or curled up when I flew off, but who knows. I've said repeatedly that I know no one is at fault and I'm not scared of the horse; if anything I'm frightened of my own rotten luck (what if next time I break my neck? Jeez).
What ruined it was what happened this week, about 2.5 months after I fell. Instructor sent a text asking me to check in. I responded that my brace was gone, but arm was doing better and I could move it much better. And then I mentioned insurance. Summarized: "I told my insurance that my accident happened at a place of business, and they just sent me a survey. I doubt they can hold you responsible because A, B, C, but if there's an investigation will it hike up your stable insurance rates? I'm suspicious of insurance company ethics."
My "sweet, supportive" teacher went from Jekyll to Hyde in 10 seconds. Left me a voicemail saying that if she paid for every fall she would have to charge $250 per lesson and instead charges "$40 f****in dollars." Telling me to leave it alone. Then sent two furious texts in a row saying she doesn't deserve to be sued because "I fell from a standstill" and "have soft bones."
She couldn't have hurt me more if she'd slapped me in the face. I've not once suggested I planned to sue and think it's damn immoral when A. it really wasn't anyone's fault and B. I can't exactly afford my bill but I have decent insurance and with a payment plan I've set up I can manage it. At most, I was considering asking if she would be able to contribute a little to my $90/month bill since it seemed like she felt really bad, but I was still only considering it and a "Sorry, I really can't afford it" would have been enough for me. I know caring for horses is expensive. It's difficult to explain but she said things like I was one of the most pleasant people she'd ever taught (which frankly I didn't take as flattery because I did legitimately try to be a good student with a good attitude), as well as other things...basically having my head bitten off called into question nearly everything she'd said to me over the last year, about me and about other people. And also, why the incredibly defensive response to a question about insurance? She's been teaching almost 40 years; shouldn't she be able to walk me through how to report an incident to my insurance without unfairly implicating her? Has she done something that she ought to be sued for? Another woman fell a few months before mine and broke several ribs, but I was told that the stable insurance and the woman's health insurance together would pay for everything. Was that a lie? Was that woman suing? She told me after that fall that she was "so happy" that the bill was taken care of and that she'd have wanted them to sue her to get it covered because she felt so bad. That had to have been a lie.
I am too old to take BS. I got pushed around a lot as a teen, but I'm sick and tired of it and I'm not taking it now. My own mother doesn't get to talk to me that way. The next day I texted back to tell her that I didn't plan to sue and never had, but also that her response to a completely reasonable question wasn't remotely appropriate and that she'd shown me who she was and I believed her. I told her not to contact me again. I then blocked her number and email address so I wasn't subjected to any more raging and/or emotional manipulation. (disclaimer for honesty: My response was very cold but no swearing or name-calling. Still, no warmth whatsoever).
I've spent the last few days second-guessing myself (is it normal? Is there some unspoken rule at stables that you aren't honest about falls with health insurance? Was I wrong?), being angry/bitter, and frankly, grieving. Grieving a relationship I thought I had, grieving the horses I'm not going to see again, grieving a fully-working arm, and grieving any future chance of riding again. I was willing to try it one more time once my arm healed up to the point where a horse ducking its head down to scratch a knee wouldn't cause searing pain when the reins were inevitably yanked from my hands, but I do not trust this person any longer. I already have issues trusting people from a long past of bullying and I don't know how far this will set me back. It would be different, I think, if this had clearly been just a business relationship from the start, but she did things like end all messages with "love" that have left me very confused and feeling used and a little fawned over, which I despise. If you think I'm that awful don't fake caring about me, holy crap.
Was I wrong? I'm not above sending a card to apologize for being too harsh if that's the case, but I still don't trust this woman and regardless of whether this was an unspoken rule or not, I still think her response was inappropriate. No one told me. I didn't know. And I wanted to work with her.
If I get the courage to try riding again, how can I find a good teacher? 2/2 failures has left me so discouraged and tired and sad.
I'm in my 30s and have always loved horses and always wanted to learn how to ride. It didn't happen until I was in my 20s and able to scrape enough money together to go once a week to a stable that was iffy. The instructors were nice enough, but not safety conscious (wearing a helmet wasn't required), and since I did small group lessons I didn't learn a ton. I had to quit for financial reasons after a bit over a year and at that point I could saddle a horse, with some help, but didn't know how to clean hooves or bridle them etc. I was also taught almost exclusively Western riding, and frankly wasn't very good - I couldn't feel the horse moving under the saddle and it was nearly impossible for me to actually squeeze the horse because the leathers over the stirrups were too thick for my leg muscles to handle. In sum total I'd say I managed to learn how to do a decent posting trot on a not-bouncy horse and that's about it.
Fast forward another 2 years. I've moved 450 miles away and I decide to try again, this time with private lessons with an ARIA-certified instructor. I learned a ton. I switched to English style and was amazed by how much more comfortable it was, and over a year got better and better. Still not amazing but I was definitely making progress and having a blast doing it. Even my bad lessons were good days because I learned something from sucking. My instructor was sweet and supportive, even when she criticized and made me try things again. I tried hard and never complained about being criticized. I felt cared for. One of my virtues is that I'm mostly aware of whether I'm actually doing something well or not; I loathe fake praise and I appreciate being corrected as long as it's constructive and not "no, you moron, not like that." I loved the "ponies" (none of which were actually ponies) and the barn cat and lessons were the highlight of my week.
And then I fell. My first-ever fall happened while doing a warm and fuzzy gentle trot. My mare saw....something (no idea what, it was a warm sunny day, blue skies, silent), and went from a trot into standing stock-still. I fell toward her withers, and it would have been fine except she then jumped sideways a millisecond later while I was still unbalanced. I flew off and landed on an outstretched arm.
Short story, the elbow on my dominant arm was completely shattered. First fall, first time I've broken a bone. I needed a six-hour surgery to reconstruct the joint and have so much metal on either side of the joint that it seriously looks like the surgeon built the Eiffel Tower in my arm. Surgeon said it was the most complicated reconstruction he's ever done and that it looked like someone straight up took a chisel and sheared part of the bone out of place. He also said that I'll regain a lot of normal function but will probably never be able to fully straighten it again and also that it will be arthritic/stiff the rest of my life.
That wasn't even what ruined riding for me. I didn't blame the horse, who was very apologetic when she figured out that she'd tossed me, and I didn't blame the teacher because it was literally the freakiest of freak accidents. She couldn't have done anything. I may have been saved if I'd been deeper in the saddle, or curled up when I flew off, but who knows. I've said repeatedly that I know no one is at fault and I'm not scared of the horse; if anything I'm frightened of my own rotten luck (what if next time I break my neck? Jeez).
What ruined it was what happened this week, about 2.5 months after I fell. Instructor sent a text asking me to check in. I responded that my brace was gone, but arm was doing better and I could move it much better. And then I mentioned insurance. Summarized: "I told my insurance that my accident happened at a place of business, and they just sent me a survey. I doubt they can hold you responsible because A, B, C, but if there's an investigation will it hike up your stable insurance rates? I'm suspicious of insurance company ethics."
My "sweet, supportive" teacher went from Jekyll to Hyde in 10 seconds. Left me a voicemail saying that if she paid for every fall she would have to charge $250 per lesson and instead charges "$40 f****in dollars." Telling me to leave it alone. Then sent two furious texts in a row saying she doesn't deserve to be sued because "I fell from a standstill" and "have soft bones."
She couldn't have hurt me more if she'd slapped me in the face. I've not once suggested I planned to sue and think it's damn immoral when A. it really wasn't anyone's fault and B. I can't exactly afford my bill but I have decent insurance and with a payment plan I've set up I can manage it. At most, I was considering asking if she would be able to contribute a little to my $90/month bill since it seemed like she felt really bad, but I was still only considering it and a "Sorry, I really can't afford it" would have been enough for me. I know caring for horses is expensive. It's difficult to explain but she said things like I was one of the most pleasant people she'd ever taught (which frankly I didn't take as flattery because I did legitimately try to be a good student with a good attitude), as well as other things...basically having my head bitten off called into question nearly everything she'd said to me over the last year, about me and about other people. And also, why the incredibly defensive response to a question about insurance? She's been teaching almost 40 years; shouldn't she be able to walk me through how to report an incident to my insurance without unfairly implicating her? Has she done something that she ought to be sued for? Another woman fell a few months before mine and broke several ribs, but I was told that the stable insurance and the woman's health insurance together would pay for everything. Was that a lie? Was that woman suing? She told me after that fall that she was "so happy" that the bill was taken care of and that she'd have wanted them to sue her to get it covered because she felt so bad. That had to have been a lie.
I am too old to take BS. I got pushed around a lot as a teen, but I'm sick and tired of it and I'm not taking it now. My own mother doesn't get to talk to me that way. The next day I texted back to tell her that I didn't plan to sue and never had, but also that her response to a completely reasonable question wasn't remotely appropriate and that she'd shown me who she was and I believed her. I told her not to contact me again. I then blocked her number and email address so I wasn't subjected to any more raging and/or emotional manipulation. (disclaimer for honesty: My response was very cold but no swearing or name-calling. Still, no warmth whatsoever).
I've spent the last few days second-guessing myself (is it normal? Is there some unspoken rule at stables that you aren't honest about falls with health insurance? Was I wrong?), being angry/bitter, and frankly, grieving. Grieving a relationship I thought I had, grieving the horses I'm not going to see again, grieving a fully-working arm, and grieving any future chance of riding again. I was willing to try it one more time once my arm healed up to the point where a horse ducking its head down to scratch a knee wouldn't cause searing pain when the reins were inevitably yanked from my hands, but I do not trust this person any longer. I already have issues trusting people from a long past of bullying and I don't know how far this will set me back. It would be different, I think, if this had clearly been just a business relationship from the start, but she did things like end all messages with "love" that have left me very confused and feeling used and a little fawned over, which I despise. If you think I'm that awful don't fake caring about me, holy crap.
Was I wrong? I'm not above sending a card to apologize for being too harsh if that's the case, but I still don't trust this woman and regardless of whether this was an unspoken rule or not, I still think her response was inappropriate. No one told me. I didn't know. And I wanted to work with her.
If I get the courage to try riding again, how can I find a good teacher? 2/2 failures has left me so discouraged and tired and sad.