Having a bit of a rough time.

Ale

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Feb 8, 2012
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Hope no one minds me just putting this on here.

My mums not very well, she's waiting for a heart op but it's taking ages, she's really down just not interested in anything which isn't like her. And it's a serious op so I'm really worried about her having to have it. She's terrible in hospital and discharges herself far too early. And my Grandad is very unwell. He's been having dementia like symptoms for many months now, he doesn't really recognise me anymore. He's been refusing to see any doctors. This morning he was very distressed and convinced someone was trying to kill him. It's just so upsetting to get called by my mum in a complete state because she doesn't know what to do about him. Today they finally managed to convince him to go to the doctors and he's failed all the dementia tests but they also think he might of had a stroke. He was told to go straight to A&E but wouldn't listen. My mum said they are going to take him tomorrow but I can just see him refusing again, he gets very angry. It's so difficult for my mum, especially as she's not well herself. I just wish I could do more to help.

It's having such an effect on me worrying about it all. My confidence is so low, I avoid talking to people. I feel pretty useless. Tomorrow morning I'm heading home to help out if need be with getting Grandad to hospital. I know it needs to be done but I'm absolutely dreading it. Breaks my heart to see my mum so upset and she gets so angry with my Grandad, when it's not really his fault.

I just don't really know what to do but it helps just to put down in writing what's going on. I've spoken to a few people in real life but they just say that I shouldn't worry about the op as they are common now or that I'm lucky to still have my grandparents. I realise I am lucky yes but I can't help feeling like this, just powerless to do anything helpful.

Any advice appreciated especially if anyone has any experience of dementia as think that will hit my mum hard if he's diagnosed (even though he's clearly not been right for a long time)
 

OwnedbyChanter

With out my boys life would be bland
Apr 16, 2009
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Oh Ale what a tough time you are having. You have to look at things from a different angle.

What can you control
What can you influence
What is our side of your control

If you can have direct control and change an outcome then do it, if you can’t than you just have to note the problem and run with it. This is your mums operation. You have no control but you ca be supportive. Just being there will help.

Whether the operation is rountine or not is not not relevant because it’s your mum. Be soft with her she is probably just very scared right now.

Your grandad is another your can’t control but you can influence. By encouraging him with the help of your mum you can get him to the hospital,

You are a very strong young lady and coping with some of the hardest things that can happen to us. When people we love are ill the best thing you can do is just be there. If that’s making a cup of tea or supporting your mum.

I know we are just a forum but we all really care. I’m only in high Wycombe not a million miles away. If you need a break you are welcome to come and visit. Even ride the ginger one xx
 

Ale

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Feb 8, 2012
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Oh Ale what a tough time you are having. You have to look at things from a different angle.

What can you control
What can you influence
What is our side of your control

If you can have direct control and change an outcome then do it, if you can’t than you just have to note the problem and run with it. This is your mums operation. You have no control but you ca be supportive. Just being there will help.

Whether the operation is rountine or not is not not relevant because it’s your mum. Be soft with her she is probably just very scared right now.

Your grandad is another your can’t control but you can influence. By encouraging him with the help of your mum you can get him to the hospital,

You are a very strong young lady and coping with some of the hardest things that can happen to us. When people we love are ill the best thing you can do is just be there. If that’s making a cup of tea or supporting your mum.

I know we are just a forum but we all really care. I’m only in high Wycombe not a million miles away. If you need a break you are welcome to come and visit. Even ride the ginger one xx

Thank-you so much. I know I need to stop over worrying about things, just find it difficult not to (as we all do I'm sure!)

I hate so much that my mum has to go through all this, it's just not fair but I do at the same time realise how lucky I am that she's still here with us and how unfair it is for those who have lost theirs. I think it's just frustrating that they let her walk around with something that could kill her.

I wish I was still living at home at times like this, I could help alot more then. If we can just get my Grandad to the hospital without him getting too upset I'm sure we will all feel alot better.

Thank-you so much for the kind words and advice, hugely appreciated. Never in a million years would I be brave enough to ride Ginger though, I'm always in awe of you two X
 

orbvalley

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Phew what a rough time for you with a lot going on all at the same time.
People saying "don't worry" or "you're lucky to still have your grandparents":eek::eek: is apart from awful replies! is also other peoples shortcomings. Leave them to it and look elsewhere! Unbelievably awful advice but sadly common:rolleyes:
OBC has given you the best response already, I can't add to it
Just wanted to say walking with you and take care xxx
 
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Ale

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Phew what a rough time for you with a lot going on all at the same time.
People saying "don't worry" or "you're lucky to still have your grandparents":eek::eek: is apart from awful replies! is also other peoples shortcomings. Leave them to it and look elsewhere! Unbelievably awful advice but sadly common:rolleyes:
OBC has given you the best response already, I can't add to it
Just wanted to say walking with you and take care xxx
Thank-you, I already feel so much better having just put my ramblings down. Will try not to worry as much tomorrow and just deal with what has to be done. So kind of you, thank-you XX
 

Bodshi

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Apr 23, 2009
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Sending you all the moral support possible, it's a lot to have to deal with all in one go. I hope your Granddad consents to going to hospital tomorrow without too much fuss and stress. I wish I could do more to help but OBC has given you excellent advice, and we're always here for you to sound off to if you feel the need x
 
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Star the Fell

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Sorry you’re going through all this, Ale. Everything seems to come at once.
My husband had to have a big heart operation last year, so I do know what you’re going through there. Can’t help so much with your grandad as it was my sisters mother in law who had dementia.
Just letting you know that my husband is fine and much healthier than he was before the op. He had a week in hospital and two weeks taking it easy at home, then built up his fitness gradually. It is a big op on a major organ, but honestly, they do so many that it is now routine. If you want to message me on here or FB if you have any questions at all, please do so x
Your grandad is probably confused and frightened. In the early stages of dementia they have a lot of lucid moments where they realise that they are ill, can’t remember things and, being older, hate the thought of being ill and having to rely on others, so they try to hide their fear often through anger. You may have more luck with your grandad than your mum does. To him, you will always be a little girl who he doesn’t want to upset. This will also be the case if he doesn’t really recognise you, as you are so young to him. Gentle persuasion is the way forward with lots of hand holding and kisses, if thats normal for your family.
I hope everything goes well and you manage to get him checked out.
 

Jessey

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We're always here if you want to talk and definitely no one minds a post when anyone is struggling x

My grandad suffered dementia, it was so so difficult, in the early stages he would often refuse to go to doctors and get angry and upset about it but it wasn't that he was angry with his family trying to help but because he couldn't understand what was happening even when it was explained :( he was frequently very lucid then so he didn't see the extent of it all, my nan and mum frequently struggled with it and my nan just dealt for a long time but when she eventually pushed for more help for him it really had a huge positive impact, even just getting a carer to come in a few times a week to sit and keep grandad company and talk about the things he did remember was really good for him. He didn't remember who I was but did still know I was someone important to him which was odd, he remembered people he saw regularly much better, routine was vital for him. It is really important he seeks help, for his sake and for the sake of those around him, it can be upsetting pushing through the initial resistance but getting the appropriate support in place early on will help and make the long term easier. Do look into the type of support available, unless you know what to ask for doctors often don't know to suggest things, especially if they don't have a long term, more personal relationship with the person. If he is really adamant he won't go to the doctor then it might be possible to get a home visit from one who can then get the ball rolling on things.

Hopefully your mum's op comes soon and it has a positive impact on her, heart ops are a big deal but the fact they are more common now means doctors are well practiced and that in itself makes them much safer and the results more reliable. Perhaps you can start sowing the seed with her now, gently, that she really can't discharge herself early on this one, then hopefully by the time it comes she will be prepared to follow the doctors orders in terms of recovery.

With all this going on don't forget to look after yourself and treat yourself, it's important that you don't get run down so that you can be there for them when they need you, you'll be no help if you get poorly as they won't want anyone with a bug around your mum post op. Don't see looking after yourself as selfish, see it as preventative medicine so you can help more.
 
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Ale

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Thank-you for all the advice everyone, I'll be replying in more detail In a while just wanted to say thank-you for the support as has helped me through a very difficult morning X
 

chunky monkey

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I was thinking home visit for your grandad. Whilst there is no cure for dementia, I think they can give medication to help control the symptoms. Obviously getting him to take it might be an issue. If you can be there for home visit that might help your mum. He will need more care with time and it would be good for you and your mum to find out what help is available. A lady I work for sadly lost her father at the weekend due to cancer. But he had dementia and for the last two years has been in a nursing home as he could no longer look after himself. She would go and take him out ever couple of week to play a little golf on the practice green which he seemed to enjoy and could still coordinate to play or she would take him for a coffee, but she couldn't let him out of site or he would just wander off. The cancer was only diagnosed recently after phneumonia but they found he was riddled with it. So he went very quickly.
There are people who can advise, maybe get in contact with the dementia society.
 
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joellie

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Oh Ale I am sorry to read you are going through a rough time, everyone has already gave you great advice , so i just want to add, stay strong and that I'm thinking of you xx
 
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Trewsers

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So sorry to read this ale. My father was diagnosed with dementia four years ago and it was very distressing for my mum who coped alone looking after him for a long long time (reading between the lines he had it coming on for lots longer but buried his head). He is now in a lovely care home and whilst sad in some ways, in others it is good knowing he is receiving excellent care and my mum now has some kind of life. I appreciate what a horrible time it is for you and your mum. If she's getting upset or cross with him please just be patient and bear with her, it is a tough illness to cope with and some people deal differently to others.
You sound like such a lovely, caring and strong young lady, I just know that your family will get all the help and moral support you can offer - but please do take care of yourself. Being strong for others can take it's toll. I am glad you off load on here, I know I speak for our lovely friendly forum when I say we are all here to listen if it helps. Sorry about your mum too, it is so worrying, I can imagine. Lots and lots of vibes for her getting the op soon and getting through it. Xxxxxx
 
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Trewsers

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Just wanted to add - if you would like to know any details that you feel might help point your mum in the right direction pm me as it isn't that long since my mum had to deal with it all and I can remember how we got my dad to see the right people etc and the process of getting into care etc.xx
 
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selside

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So sorry to read about the tough time you are your family are having. My mum had dementia - she died in March. There is help out there, for carers and family who need support too. Your or your mum could ring the Alzheimer's Society for advice and guidance. There SHOULD be local assessment teams who can go to your grandpa's home to assess his needs. You may have to build up support for him gradually to stop him getting agitated or refusing to cooperate.

Above all try and keep perspective - not easy I know when you confidence is low anyway. You still have to live your own life and create a future for yourself. Although these issues are worrying and upsetting please DON"T try and take it all on your own shoulders. There are agencies who can step in, but will not do so while the family try and keep on coping. Your mum has every chance of a healthier and better life after the op. Keep calm and support her. Don't dwell on medical scare stories, most operations are trouble free and expertly done.

However pants life seems at a given moment it will pass. Thinking of you - take care
 
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Cortrasna

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What a very difficult time for you Ale - I am so sorry you are having to cope with two huge life changing events in your family, very difficult for all concerned. My own mother died with senile dementia at the grand old age of 96 but fortunately she only had to endure that for the last year of her life. I nursed my own MIl for nearly 2 years with end stage Alzheimers and it is a horrendous and horrible disease - for the last year before we had to eventually give in and find a care home for her we found ourselves living with someone who knew none of us and the person she became was not the woman I had known for 40 years. almost like caring for a complete stranger - I think the only advise I am able to give from my experience is try and remind yourself each day you see them of the person they were and not concentrate too hard on the person they have become.

I can only imagine what your Mum must be feeling with the prospect of a big op ahead of her and the worry about caring for an ageing parent with Alzheimer - It might be an idea if you and your Dad could perhaps have a word with the hospital when she goes in about how worried you are about her discharging herself too soon because of your Grandad's health care? And as others have said do try to get and accept all the help you can for his care - both from official services and within the family set up. I do agree a good starting point would be connecting with the Alzeihmer's Society.

Try and take care of yourself and not worry too much (I know that is easy to say and often very hard to do) sadly this is all part of the parent/grandparent/child progress through the stages of life - very painful and sad but unfortunately inevitable at some point in our lives. :( x
 
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Ale

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Thank-you again everyone, some brilliant advice from you all and I'm overwhelmed with the support it really just means so much to be able to talk about it all as I can't with anyone else.

It went well with my Grandad at the hospital today however they only did routine tests, he has to wait 2 weeks for the results and then no idea where we go from there. They didn't do any tests or anything even remotely related to his memory or his head, but assuming that will all come in time. He was co operative for the most part and feel much happier now at least something has started. I'm just worried that something will happen before he gets seen or any diagnosis as he's so unpredictable.

I need to try and not worry so much but everything has just got on top of me lately and I'm not doing very well with it. But thank-you so much again xx
 
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