Do you ever feel it is all just too much?

flump1967

flump1967

Well-Known Member
May 19, 2005
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new forest
Do not read on unless you are in the mood for a whinger.

I am so totally fed up with worrying. I honestly want to run away and hide.

I seem to spend 90% of my time trying to make things right, whether it is buying hay, managing Arnies weight, his feet, liasing with all the various proffessionals and other liveries etc. (This is my very worst bit TBH as I find social situations very stessful and constantly worry what others think of me.)

I cannot deal with the mildest of conflict and am a complete people pleaser, not that I necessarily do it very well.

Sometimes I think I am not well enough to have responsibity for a pony as I struggle so much to assert myself at all and worry that I might not be able to get his needs met because I am too wimpy and selfish in putting my need not to offend anyone first.

On top of the mad head, my back is so bad at the moment that any riding and all chores hurt, and then I have my stupid nerves to deal with just for extra fun.


I am eating for England at the mo, using food as a tranquilliser against all the constant anxiety and even try the odd drink now in the evenings on paticuarly bad days.

I try and sleep as much as I possibly can which is a sort of hiding place, the only time when my whirring head switches off.

I do love Arns very much but at least 4 days out of 7 I feel I can't cope at all.

Then there is my poor OH who supports me so much, but I worry about using all his time with pony stuff.

Can't afford to see my therapist anymore due to pony costs and the pills don't seem to help.

It all feels so circular and inescapable.

Sorry to moan. Partly a post to get it off my chest and partly in case anyone else ever feels the same.
 
I really feel for you - I havent got any answers though - wish I had. Just wanted to say can you accept that from time to time you will feel like this but it does always go away for awhile? Im assuming here and maybe wrong, but some of your posts are very positive (and very entertaining BTW!) that you do get periods of respite when life is more manageable?

I s your lack of assertiveness having a detrimental affect on Arnie's wellbeing? I doubt it very much - from your posts he sounds like a very lucky pony with a very caring owner. Is he bothered about how you come across to other people? Again I doubt it very much.

the back thing I can relate to - Is it a problem that you can deal with or should you be getting a GPs advice? Having a horse isnt ideal when your back is killing you is it?

Sorry - I know none of the above is the slightest bit of help while you are feeling so low - just wanted to send hugs and remind you that a period of relative wellbeing might just sneak up on you again when you least expect it?:twins:
 
Am sorry to read that you are feeling like this, cant offer any advice but just want you to know that you're not alone!

I've never suffered from depression - like most people, I have days when i'm a bit "down" but nothing compared to what you must feel.

Just wanted to say that I hope you start to feel a little better soon - am sure that you're doing your very best for your boy and he loves you - that's all that should matter...

Hugs. x
 
I can't really help you, but just wanted to say, sorry to hear you are feeling so down about it all. I love reading your posts about your horse - and it is clear that he means much to you. I think all horse owners worry - some more than others! Its good to hear your OH is supportive, as is mine. (Well, my OH is horsey too so thats a plus !). Sometimes life is just jam packed full of niggles and worries isn't it? And I think its very easy to use food or drink as a prop - and even sleep (you mention liking zzzz atm!). One thing that helps me (am a serial worrier at times) is doing lots of reading. Total escapism. Might be worth a try if all else fails? Lots of positive vibes coming your way tho.
 
I'm so sorry you feel this way.
I've been in this sort of state for the last 4 months and it is really crappy. I too eat for comfort and see sleep as the ultimate sanctuary, using nytol to help me end the day when staying awake is too painful.
I'm glad your OH is supportive ( mine is the cause of my problems) and so aren't on your own, but I know how easy it is to 'feel alone'. But you aren't, you have many friends here.
I know it might feel that horses are part of the problem and might not be worth the effort sometimes, but looked at another way, they are forcing you to keep trying, to keep pushing yourself.
I know if I didn't have my animals to look after here, I would probably never get out of bed, so even if I trudge around moaning, doing the bare minimum, I am still grateful I have them.
If you have days when you feel like you are trying to wade through treacle with your head in a fog just remember.....it WILL pass. One day at a time, until, eventually, all the bad days are gone.
Feel free to PM me anytime and I'm happy to give you my email address or phone number if you want to chat. I am around all the time and am a good listener.
Take good care of yourself
Sarah xx
 
Heh Flump, ((Huge Hugs)) I’m always in the mood for a good whinge so you’re in good company.
*
I often find I’ve got a heap of things to do that I shy away from in my work, social and horsey life and
it preys on my mind constantly but I avoid it until the absolute last moment I can. This compounds the worry
and I then beat myself up for not doing something about it earlier – stupid really. I know not particularly
helpful, or revolutionary an idea, but how about making lists of all the things you need to do with and for
Arnie and making sure you put some really nice stuff in between all the crappy things. That way you reward
yourself for every stress inducing task you have to do, you make sure you have a happy thing to do after it.
I’ve got an essay to write at the moment which is now over a week overdue (oops) and I’ve set myself the challenge
of writing one paragraph before stopping to keep peeking at NR as a reward.
I also try and schedule when I’m going to do all my crappy things so that I can then say to myself ‘no, you’re not worrying about not having done that today cause that’s tomorrows problem.’ Stupid probably but its sort of like compartmentalising the issues so they’re not constantly on my mind.
I totally agree with Trewsers, reading is brilliant for getting us out of our own heads for a while, helps me relax and I
guess it does compound my avoidance technique but I think it’s a healthy outlet!!
Its probably something you’ve considered, and I can see the downside in that you would be talking to another person
but what about advertising for a sharer to take care of Arnie a couple of days a week and then you can chill without
the guilt of not spending time with him. He’s not fussed I bet anyway *- lets face it as long as there is food they’ll be fine and obviously very well cared for (I still haven’t washed my horse and he’s been here a year – Arnie is bright eyed and gorgeous and that’s all down to you maintaining it so give yourself a break). You could also involve a sharer in his upkeep and offload some of the tasks like farrier sitting onto them?!
Just an idea and I know it has more associated risks and concerns but the positives could really outweigh them.
*
Ok, sometimes we’re just looking for the opportunity to be heard and understood so I’ll stop with the suggestions
and just say I really hope things improve for you soon Mrs Flump. I always love reading about you and Arnie and Mr Flump and
think you do an amazing job with him as is. You have a self depreciating wit , I always laugh at your
writing and hope you can stop being so hard on yourself (although I know how difficult that is!)
*
PS I too was reluctant to embrace the new smilies but slowly I’m getting used to them – just wish they’d stop moving them about!:wink:
 
Firstly I think you have done the right thing by putting your worries down in writing so you can actually see what concerns you. I know its easier said than done but I think you need to stop thinking so deeply about things, stop questioning yourself and trust your instincts. Do you talk to you O/H lots about how you feel or do you bottle things up? For the moment you should just stop thinking about other people, just dont care about them because i'm pretty sure they wont be getting sleepless nights about you, let them worry about themselves, all you need to be concerned about is yourself, your horse and your family. Life needs to be enjoyed as it goes by so quickly and you wont get a 2nd chance, so try to find all the good and lovely things and focus on them.

Its hard to offer the right words or support/help - I tried similar advice for someone else and got shot down by another poster, hopefully I haven't offended you.
 
Wish I had a magic answer for you Mrs Flump, but I don't - however, am always here to listen. I'm sure Arnie is happy no matter what you do, as long as he has food and water.

Take care of yourself.
 
I think it's quite normal to have a fair amount of time taken up with horse stuff,even if like you say it's just organising and thinking about stuff rather than physically spending time with them.

However if I was spending more time worrying and stressing to the point that you sound like you are,then I'm afraid I would be seriously considering if horse ownership was for me.Sorry that sounds blunt,can't think of a more subtle way to put it.
Just sounds to me like you are literally becoming ill from the worry and responsibility of it all,and IMO your health and well being comes before Arnie or any other horse.Especially as you cannot get any help due to costs,again due to having a horse.

Is all very well for all of us to say that Arnie won't care if he doesn't have this or that etc,but the truth is,that will not stop you worrying about it!!

I suffer guilt a lot of the time as I have very little time for my lad at present,BUT I can come to terms with it,and can out it to the back of my mind before it becomes something I obsess over or something that affects other areas of my life.It sounds like you are having a hard time putting your worries on the back burner,and that it is becoming a real issue for you to the point that it's taking the fun out of having a horse??

I apologise profusely for the negative tone of that post,but it sounds like you are really suffering with the whole thing,and I'm afraid to me your well being should be the priority,whatever that might mean in terms of horse owning.

Huggles (only virtual ones from a distance as I *think* you are a bit like me in regard to personal space issues:wink:)

ETA: Oh for goodness sake devonlass read the thread before hitting reply!! (yes I do talk to myself on occasion lol) Sorry flumpy just read last line of thread and realised you were just letting off steam rather than asking for opinions or advice,feel free to ignore my reply!!
 
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I have often been at the place you are and it is a hard place to be I can't offer you any advise but have you tried thehttp://www.moodfoundation.com/se people.

I think what helped for me was recognising I had an illness and I learnt to handle it as such instead of thinking this is me.
 
I used to really struggle with needing other people to like me, but I promise you that once menopausal hormones kick in you will find a new flumpy that doesn't care what other people think one bit...:hot:

I went on an assertiveness course run by my local education authority (much joking about whether I would have the guts to sign up, and as for the worry about finding the correct room.....:bounce:) We had to practice saying 'No' to people, which can be the hardest thing to do, but by breaking it down a bit, such as saying 'I'm not sure, can I get back to you?' I've got a lot better. Sometimes though I have to get my OH to speak out on my behalf, but only when the hormones let me down.

Your posts have always struck me as being very amusing, and as long as you have a sense of humour you'll find that you won't fall so far into the abyss that you can't get back out again. As for the horse - well, having something that you have to get up and go and care for can really pull you forwards and keep you from disappearing under the duvet. Perhaps it might be a good idea to find a sharer to ease the costs and the time a little, and spread the worry, but I really wouldn't give up your wonderful Arnie - he sounds like one in a million and you'd feel so much worse if he wasn't there any more.

Hang in there. I promise the menopause WILL give you more 'bite' :timebomb:
 
I used to feel like this all the time and constantly spend my time turning myself inside out trying to keep everyone happy. Eventually you just get to the stage where it is mind over matter.....you need to keep you happy.

Sometimes you also need to be assertive with yourself, very often it is the easy option just to try and keep everyone happy rather than just speak out, try taking a deep breath, think of what you want to say and how you want to say it....trust me that first time of thinking to yourself "I did it!" you will feel totally on top of the world!

I have been here before so please feel free to PM!
 
I just wanted to add that everything your are feeling and doing is perfectly normal so try not to get yourself more upset at the way you are feeling (big hugs)

The hard part is analysising your current situation and breaking it down into more manageable chunks – ones you can fix and ones you can’t and slowly working you way through with milestones and not to much expectation.

hormonalmare said:
I used to really struggle with needing other people to like me, but I promise you that once menopausal hormones kick in you will find a new flumpy that doesn't care what other people think one bit...:hot:

I went on an assertiveness course run by my local education authority (much joking about whether I would have the guts to sign up, and as for the worry about finding the correct room.....:bounce:) We had to practice saying 'No' to people, which can be the hardest thing to do, but by breaking it down a bit, such as saying 'I'm not sure, can I get back to you?' I've got a lot better. Sometimes though I have to get my OH to speak out on my behalf, but only when the hormones let me down.
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Ditto a lot of what hormonalmare has said – I also used to want people to like me, would go out of my way to do things in aid of people not being upset or off with me. That in itself can be tiring! I haven’t hit menopause but something else kicked in that I hit rock bottom and something clicked that just didn’t care anymore if I was liked or not.. I guess I found an inner contentment with myself and my own company over the past few years. Yes you loose friends but you gain yourself back and strangely a new happiness.

Highly recommend trying to be more assertive also – you don’t have to be nasty but saying ‘no’ can take a lot of added pressure off you. Life can bring enough tasks and chores without having to take on extra ones as well. I try not to let people down that are close to me but for all the other bits a bobs a simple ‘no’ has achieved a lot less work.

As said hang in there and use this time and your realisation to find the inner you and what you want to get from your life. The main person in your life just now should be ‘you’. Your OH will support you and your closest friends will ask nothing of you but will also be your back bone at this moment in time. Recreate your self and your self esteem and things will start to look a bit brighter each day x
 
Just today have finally felt able to post a HUGE Thank you to all who have replied and the lovely pm's I have had too. Will be replying to those asap, such kind folk you all are.

DL you are quite right in posting what you did - it is that sort of thought that goes around in my head, but I am hoping I am not quite there yet. I know I would feel awful if I ever parted with Arns and so I feel that either way I will be miserable if you see what I mean.

Trouble is with my illness that at times I can't think properly at all. It is not like having a bad leg but if you sit down you feel OK, with my mental issues my every thought is affected and it really worries me that when I am very low the ideas I have/conclusions I draw/decisions I make all seem right but then when I come out of the low I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking as my views were all so skewed by the illness.

I rely on my OH to stop me taking any drastic action at such times, but then when I am in low and/or panic mode I will get very cross with him if he tries to reason with me ...the poor man can't win.

Anyway, have now been given an initial appointment at the Pain Clinic for my physical woes (November would you belive but at least it is in the pipeline) and I have been doing some research and have a few proposals to put to my psychiatrist when I next see her (Sep so not so far now) as regards a possible change of medication, so will see what that does. Also going to ask her about any courses etc re assertiveness as it is such a huge problem for me.

Ridningwise I have today for the first time ever HACKED OUT TOTALLY ON MY OWN (well, not actually alone, that would mean I walked, hacked out on Arns I mean) !!!

Was only for 10 mins or so round the block of the enclosure but still, it is a first. Arns was very good if a little unsure that it was really right that his mum was on top of him rather than walking alongside when we went out alone, but off we went with me chatting away to him to drown out the huge sounds of the wind in the trees. A kind yardmate kept an eye out for us to make sure we arrived back and initially opened the rather difficult yard gate to see us off, but then we were all alone.

Vpleased.
 
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I think you are taking positive steps and you are a very brave with your progress, I can honestly say you do inspire me to do more. Good Luck:wavespin:
 
Wow - hacking alone, Mrs Flump? That's amazing. You're a real inspiration to me. It seems that lately we've had a lot of people stepping out of their comfort zones and trying new things.

If I feel that the stars are aligned this weekend, I may be tempted to strap on my BP and take Rusty for a wee tootle up the path - by myself!! A lot of people will be at a local show this weekend, so it should be fairly quiet (ie no witnesses to my shaking knees and tears if it doesn't go well).
 
How have I missed this thread. Really sorry flumpy. :redface:

Firstly, congratulations. I'm so pleased for you xx :biggrin:

Now, as far as the not coping goes, I have to wonder. Sorry but I'm going to be a little blunt here too. I am probably completely wrong but I personally get the impression that due to the nature of your illness being very much stressed and worried is very much a symptom of that illness.

Therefore, it wouldn't matter how much you shrank your world and if you didn't have Arnie in an effort to make things more manageable, you'd still have episodes where you'd feel overwhelmed.

The difference you would see is that you wouldn't have to deal with peple on a regular basis if you chose not to. Mind you, despite how stressed you can be I honestly believe that Arnie has been superb for you personal development. You seem to have forgotten that BA (before Arnine) dealing with the vet would have been to much to cope with. I seem to remember being told that I didn't need to come when you had a vets visit as you'd done it yourself. This was unheard of pre Arnie.

Then there have been other situation where you have shown that you do have teeth because that situation needed to be dealt with for the sake of everyone on the yard. You wouldn't have said anything before Arnie.

He's been great for you. In a way I'm loathe to point out just how much you have developed in case you think this puts pressure on you to be different or live up to being more than you feel you are :wink:

Anyway, Arnie is fabulously settled. Your world is bigger which can include more stresses but also gives opportunities for more highs and you're life seems all the richer for it :biggrin:
 
JC said it quite articularly and put it in a much better way than what I could have, I agree with her on her thoughts, I think you have done really well personal development wise since having him.

Taking him out for a ride on your own is great, very nice that a yardmate kept an eye out for you so you had a safe return.

I hope the 'very pleased' feeling continues for some time :) (hug)
 
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