Anyone Else Not Sure that the Horse they Have is Right for Them?

Yes and no, when the cob came along I knew I was in for a rough time and after just losing my beloved Jack, my emotions and world had been turned inside out and stamped on.
But when we met, we connected, I stroked her face and had goosebumps and my friend burst into tears, this was "the one" She was then just 2 1/2, and I had no idea what the ridden would be-if I did

She isn't a doer, she is a settler. By that I mean she is happy to do or not do, same as me. Some horses need and thrive on work, mine isn't that type. So she wouldn't want a competition home. I wouldn't suit a horse that has to work either, we are both laid back but can step up a gear.

If your not having fun then the horse and you are not matched-currently or for some reason. Have you felt this way before?

Maybe Tobes wants to get out and about, go hunting?
 
I am in awe of the devotion you have shown Toby over the last few years. I remember you thinking about giving him up a while ago and you doubled your efforts to try and sort yours and his confidence and behaviour. I think a challenge like that can be very rewarding, but sometimes you get to the point where the constant challenge is grinding on you.
If it was a relationship with a bloke and you're not happy, it would be perfectly acceptable to leave him. No one would judge. No one would feel sorry for him as he'd find someone new. I think, unfortunately, horses are treated more like our children and we'd never move them on if things weren't working out. But let's face it, horses, as much as we love them, will never equate to human children and you can't live your life unhappily continuing in this vein if there's another option and he will be well cared for. At the end of the day, the more unhappy you become, the more it will impact on Toby and that's not good for him.
On saying all of that, is it possible that this
is just a particularly low point, and you can't see the wood for the trees? Can you think of some good times with him? Does the bad outweigh the good?
 
If I was you I think I would turn him away for a couple of months then start fresh next year.

I honestly think this is just a bad patch for you both, you have fought through it before and you can do it again!

You clearly love the socks of that horse, otherwise you wouldn't of had him for 4 years :giggle:

I think winter has a big part to play, its easy enough to feel down with dark nights, sh*t weather, limited riding time.....so when we do get to ride and they play up it just feels like the easiest thing would be to throw the towel in!

I sold my 3yr old New forest earlier this year, it really did kill me because he was a special boy and we really had a bond. But he just was not suitable for me at that moment in time, I didn't have the time (and guts!) to continue his education, he was getting bored and loved learning so I did what had to be done. I don't regret it for a second, he has a lovely pony club family and is loved dearly.

Another one was my mini Shetland Perry, again he just wasn't suited to my life style at the time, he was a PAIN in the back side, constantly escaping onto roads no matter how many times the YO fixed the fence, I just had no use for him.

I often think of selling Finn on bad days, when he spooks at a leaf and tries to bog off with me.....or when he wont let me catch him for hours on end.....but I just cant let go of him, I just love him to much.....we aren't a match made in heaven but we get by....often with me tearing my hair out LOL! :giggle:

Anyway ive babbled on a lot here lol....I really hope you and Tobes can work it out, either way we are here for you! x
 
sjp I haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say in reply that yes I have felt this way and like others in the same situation it broke my heart to admit that the horse I had was too much for me.
I too felt for a long time that I had let him down by not being good enough for him on any level, we did have a bond and on the ground he was fabulous but I think because he was the horse he was he needed me to be confident and a 'leader' once I was on board and I had completely lost it and the worse I got the worse he got, so it was an endless spiral downwards.
There is no shame in admitting a horse is not for you, I think it takes a lot of courage to stick with a horse when things are really tough Flipo's Mum springs to mind, but I also think it takes an equal amount of courage to admit you can't keep trying, I think horses are very clever and I think they are infinitely better with someone who they fit with, however much that hurts us, we all have to do the best for both ourselves and our horses.
I hope that make sense to you ((Hugs))
I was lucky because Oscar came from the Blue Cross so went back to them so I didn't have the added worry about where he may end up.
Whatever you decide we are here for you.
 
SJP I am one of the few that believe a hobby should be enjoyed all the time yes ups and downs sickness and illness aside it should still be relaxing and enjoyable.

As soon as going to the yard is stressful or being around your horse is not fun anymore then something has to change. If that means parting company than so be it.

I know what ever you do will be right for both you and Tobes. hugs
 
I really feel for you sjp1! Having been in this position myself, it is one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.

I rehomed Bella earlier this year through horses4homes as her behaviour was telling me loud and clear that she needed to be busy and the more I saw, the more I realised that I didn't have the time to give her what she needed. I tried to persevere for a bit but it started to knock my confidence and whilst she was still so affectionate, I knew she didn't have much confidence in me anymore. Letting her go was gutting, but it's great to see how she's getting on in her new home! We keep in touch and I get tonnes of photos, I also have the security in knowing that if her new people can't keep her, then she has to be offered back to me first. She can't be sold on and that was always a huge deal to me.

A hobby is just that and should be enjoyed, but when it comes to horses you have to listen to your gut instinct. If you are 100% honest with yourself and you decide that neither of you can offer the other what you both need, there are plenty of options out there. In the same vein, if you decide to work through it there are plenty of options there too!

Whatever you decide, we will all be here with all the support we can give!


Just a thought.... If you think he needs to be busier, is it worth getting a sharer to ride a few days a week, maybe someone who would want to take him cubbing?
 
Before I bought a horse, I had two on loan which didn't work out, despite a lot of time, money and heartache.

I was close to giving up on Suze a couple of times, when she scared me rigid, the only thing that kept me going with her was that I had promised her she would not be separated from her final foal and that I would move heaven and earth to help her. I am so glad I kept faith with her, even though it is 19 months now and I still haven't got on her yet, but we keep creeping forward. Without help with her, I don't think I could have done it but now that I have a structure to working with her, she is very easy now - extremely sensitive and affectionate, still a chestnut mare but kind. I foresee endless issues with her baby who is a strong minded chestnut with attitude but no doubt we'll survive them.

I suppose having the bouncing Bud reminds me of how uncomplicated horses can be! He is not for everyone, as he is a bit of a spooker and he can get lit up a bit, but he is a sweetheart and basically safe. I usually have a big grin riding him, or am laughing my head off at his imagination.....His white face sums him up totally......

I have had so much fun with him from day 1, but in many ways I have a much stronger connection with Suze, who is more complex yet she gives more in some ways.

So yes, I have got it spectacularly wrong a couple of times. The only one I really regret is Sasa, as she was the one for me. I don't think I will ever get over her death, such a stupid dreadful thing - she sort of had all the ingredients and was such a sweet person. Suze is getting a bit more like her as she matures/mellows, but she will never have Sasa's utter kindness and sweetness. I never once had a moment's anxiety with Sasa, she was just a very big teddy bear who loved everyone.

I think there are times when you have to say enough, and there is no disgrace in that. Once you are scared of a horse, you cease to be any good to it and the spiral of disaster just gets worse. And sometimes even with help you just can't overcome that. And then the bravest thing is to admit defeat and try to find a way out for that horse so that you leave it with the best possible options for its future.
 
As always, some really excellent advice and words of wisdom on here.

Completely agree with Jane's comments around perceived failure, I see absolutely no failure here either.

I too was in this situation, lovely horse just not right for me, and shook my confidence so much that would not ride him at all, had him for 18 months but found him the most perfect home, he just instantly clicked with this girl who came to see him, it was honestly a joy to see. He did not put a hoof wrong when she tried him both times and I get updates and photos and has progressed hugely with her, with absolutely no napping, which he did with me, and I was very honest about.

Having been through this and having the bucket of tears to show for it, I know this is not an easy decision.

:hug
 
Definitely not a failure! Horses and humans have to be a partnership. If this was you and a human partner and things weren't working you would go your separate ways.

I see this no different if you aren't in a position to give him what he needs then your responsibility is to find someone who can. It doesn't mean you've failed him, quite the opposite!

It takes huge guts to admit it's not working and at the end of the day it's your hobby, it has to be enjoyable otherwise you start to resent them and then see it as a chore.

You've spent a long time trying to sort yourselves out as a partnership and no one could ever say you've not done your best.

Funnily enough I'm working with an appy at the minute and she's very unpredictable. Last weeks lesson the little mare was all over the place, spooking, bucking trying to dart off. Been like that all week, then this week, complete doll listening to her seat slowing nicely starting to stretch down. Was the best she's ever worked.

She's my kind of horse, lots to keep me thinking about keep me on my toes. Her poor owner says she just doesn't know where she stands with her from one day to the next. It was something she was warned about the breed at the time, however, earlier on this year she had a wobble and was going to sell her, now I'm helping her she's wanting to keep her. Who knows in the coming months she may change her mind but for now she wants to persevere with her.

Ive found with the few I've worked with its a very busy breed and kept stimulated is lovely but without enough going on tends to find their own entertainment.

My Alfie although is no where near an appy is like that and it's what I love about him I will never be bored of him lol!
 
I was thinking about this a bit more.
Maybe you could look after someone else's horse for a week, maybe even ride another horse?
The reason is when I looked after a horse for a week there were things that stood out straight away.
The first this horse didn't come when called, I get greeted at various paces most of the time. The second was when I said trot and jogged they didn't budge! I am used mine changing gait with me and stopping when I do. The third they were better at gates-I made a mental note to correct and sort my gates out. I am a bit lazy and let her eat while I undo, you need three hands but still she should wait. So she waits now. :)
But what really stood out was the fact mine isn't that badly behaved, she has manners, I have work to do in some areas but who doesn't. It just made me appreciate what I have and she is a poppet most of the time. Maybe dealing with another away from your yard with someone else's allows, don't allows would make you realise that perhaps, your chap isn't so bad after all?
 
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I think I felt a bit/lot down! Tobes was being his usual PITA self, and I think I just felt really negative about everything he did!

I have taken him off the Timothy chaff and put him on a bit of magnesium and tried to balance his potassium/sodium levels over the past few days, and he has seemed less agitated and bargey.

I am off for a few days next week, so will see how riding goes and make a decision on that basis I think.

He does have a lot of good things about him, sometimes they are just buried very deep!!
 
Well, rode yesterday - he was good to a point and then got thoroughly over excited on the way home with a tanker following us, and got a bit bucky, and prior to that had taken exception to a car over taking us and kicked out.

In his defence, the car prior to that had come very fast and very close - grr drivers!!, but he is very good in traffic mostly but occasionally has the odd epi at silly things.

Rode again this afternoon and he was angelic. We had buses coming past us, loads of cars, horses in fields, and he was good.

I really do believe it is the lack of work that makes him silly, added to which a lot of horses in the yard have been silly recently, even being turned out.

Am sending my samples off to Forageplus this week and see what we are lacking and over with.

Tobes is a massive pita a lot of the time, but then I must remember the fun ride we did with some absolute idiots who were out of control and yelling and pulling over for them as they galloped past and he didn't have a breakdown and bronc, he was really good. Must also remember the fact that he is fine with lorries and buses and bikes and shoot vehicles and quads and just accept that if he feels energetic, I have to work around it. He isn't a rocking horse, and thats the way it is.

Even the horse that we call Saint J is being exceptionally spooky at the moment. Rode out with him yesterday and today and his owner who has had him for 15 years has never known him be so spooky as he has been the last month or so. Something at our yard is odd!!
 
Maybe it's the change of season, as my yard has been nuts too. The YO turned out one of the gelding just as I was bringing Poppy in - and nearly got double barrelled as the horse bronced his way round the field for a good 5 minutes before finally settling down. And on Sat, there was nearly a nasty accident as one of the ponies who was being driven freaked and galloped full pelt into three owners who were turning their horses out at the time. They all had to dive into the bushes to get out of the way, as they were at the gate with no time to open it, and all of them have cuts and bruises - apart from the rogue pony who is completely unharmed! Prior to that, the rogue pony had already bucked off two of his child riders, and he's normally quiet as a mouse.

But I digress! Are you thinking of maybe getting a sharer for Tobes, if you think he needs more work?
 
No, I am not now thinking of a sharer. I am not 100% sure that I would really want someone else mucking about with him. I am sure I am not the worlds best rider or handler, but he is as artful as a wagon load of monkeys and I am not sure a sharer would the best way forward. I was considering having a professional rider exercise him a couple of times a week, but at the end of the day, he is my horse and I unless the person who is riding/handling him, has the same mindset as you, I think it could be a nightmare as its tricky enough having other people bring him in. He honestly is very easy to bring in, but other people always seem to have a problem with him, if he isn't rearing he is knocking them over, and he hasn't done that with me for years. So am not sure how wise it would be for someone else to ride him. Although a professional rider would probably get after him and sort it out, so I am swaying about this option!!!

So, if I can't get enough work into him, either I shall just rough him off over the rest of the winter months until its light enough to ride properly in the spring or have a good little rider for a couple of days a week - more money!!
 
I havent ridden for 8 weeks after my last hack ended in my stressing about who and what he was going to spook at and me being almost decked next to a A road. Ive thought about selling him. Alot recently. But have thought about it and decided to turn him away and start again in spring. He was better with work and atm I cant give him that. But when we were out hacking and competing in summer we were like the A team!!!

Pointless post but I know the feeling about what to do for the best.
 
sjp1 said:
Tobes is a massive pita a lot of the time
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This would be a problem for me if I was describing mine as a pita a lot of the time. After having her the time I have, I would seriously have to consider parting or resolving.
When she arrived she was a handful, mental and frequently scared the pants off people. If that was still the case we wouldn't be together now as I wouldn't feel we were bonded, gelled or compatible.
 
sjp1 said:
No, I am not now thinking of a sharer. I am not 100% sure that I would really want someone else mucking about with him. I am sure I am not the worlds best rider or handler, but he is as artful as a wagon load of monkeys and I am not sure a sharer would the best way forward. I was considering having a professional rider exercise him a couple of times a week, but at the end of the day, he is my horse and I unless the person who is riding/handling him, has the same mindset as you, I think it could be a nightmare as its tricky enough having other people bring him in. He honestly is very easy to bring in, but other people always seem to have a problem with him, if he isn't rearing he is knocking them over, and he hasn't done that with me for years. So am not sure how wise it would be for someone else to ride him. Although a professional rider would probably get after him and sort it out, so I am swaying about this option!!!

So, if I can't get enough work into him, either I shall just rough him off over the rest of the winter months until its light enough to ride properly in the spring or have a good little rider for a couple of days a week - more money!!
Click to expand...

I got a professional rider to ride Poppy for me and she got bronced off! I know what you mean, though, you'd feel responsible if anything happened to a sharer while they were riding your horse, even if you were totally upfront about the fact they can be tricksy. The problem with paying someone else to ride your horse is that it's expensive!
 
newforest said:
This would be a problem for me if I was describing mine as a pita a lot of the time. After having her the time I have, I would seriously have to consider parting or resolving.
When she arrived she was a handful, mental and frequently scared the pants off people. If that was still the case we wouldn't be together now as I wouldn't feel we were bonded, gelled or compatible.
Click to expand...

I think personally it is horses for courses. You may not feel yours is a PITA but others might.

Tobes has successfully completed fun rides, been to shows and even managed to go up the road solo. We can hack out with groups, and not just plodding along, going for long fast blasts, and whilst he might not be push button, we can usually maintain some semblance of control.

I would prefer an easier type of horse, but equally, I know an awful lot of horses who do very little and certainly wouldn't cope with what he is able to do, so yes, we have stuff to work on, but lets face it, there are very few partnerships who don't have that.
 
A relationship with your horse is like a relationship with a fella or good friends. There are ups and downs, bad periods, good periods, indifferent, and yes... times when they are an absolute PITA... when the lighter nights come and you get riding more often he will be happy again. Things will be good again, and if you do think its time to find him a new home, then you could not have done more to make it work.

You do lots with tobes Sally, more than a couple of miles hacking a week, so you are bound to get the kevin moments occasionally, he is a special type of horse who I think you do an amazing job with, AMAZING JOB!. You both are grumpy in the winter... c'mon spring...:happy:
 
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