Am I Just Making Excuses?!

Flipo's Mum

Heavy owner of a Heavy
Aug 17, 2009
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Perthshire, Scotland
I seem to have inadvertantly turned into a drama queen where Flip is concerned and its all getting a bit draining. I'm sorry for bugging you guys with yet ANOTHER moany 'nothing ever seems to go right for us' thread, and I guess it just confirms the fact that I seem to subconsciously 'like' that stuff just never seems to go right in Flipo farm.

Last night I went to check on the horses and had a good look at Flipo's hoof - the one with the crack in it (that has been stapled since late last year). The crack is growing out quite successfully, but last night I realised the crack has now started going horizontally along his hoof, its about an inch or so at the moment.
I've got the farrier next Tuesday so will have words, but it just seems like I get to grips with one thing and then I find another to obsess about straight after. Then I saw him poo, noticed it was a tiny bit drippy at the end and wondered if he was coming down with the same thing his fieldmate had a week ago. So much so, that I drove down there this morning to check he was ok - but didn't have time to get out of the car so god knows what good it was going to do - he was just standing there dosing.

I just don't seem to be able to settle and get on with things where he's concerned. I'm always dealing with new problems, if its not my confidence in riding, its falling off, its saddle fit, its lameness, its the crack in his hoof, its the muscle tear, its him jumping gates, its haematomas, its Xrays, insurance, farrier visits, sedation and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhh.

I just wonder if I keep finding things so I don't have to do this properly. Do I, deep down, actually enjoy this drama? Purely because I had such a dull life before he came along, I'm starting to wonder if its the case. The thing is that the last time I rode we won a bloody rosette for gods sake, I know there are really good times we've had, things we've achieved, but now I'm fretting that I shouldn't ride while he's just had the haematoma, might have put on a bit of weight so the saddle doesn't fit, is he happier without shoes, should I wait until he gets his shoes back on next week, will the crack get any worse and will I ever ever ever stop wittering on and just flamin ride my horse and be happy for godsake?! I'm gagging to get back in the saddle, but since I'm not so nervous about riding any more, I'm now worried he's in pain from all his various ailments and behavioural stuff - he runs away from me in the field if he sees me coming with my hat on....I can catch him but he'll just run for the bottom of the field.
I think this might well be the prime example of a fluffy bunny post. I'll get my coat and a wet fish for you all to slap me with on my way out. Sorry, this has no purpose other than to moan. :cry::banghead::redface::help:
 
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It is one word. Confidence.
I used to help a lady weekly who could find something new to worry about each week. This meant having deal with said "problem" and it was just a mask for the fact she was very nervous and would look at every little detail in detail.
I do not believe anyone enjoys drama, what i do know is we put up our own walls and blocks to protect ourselves from things we are not ready for yet.

The crack in the hoof i would think could be something lacking in the diet when it happened as the feet are the last to get the nutrients. My cob currently has two stripes of pink and green stripes on hers! Trimmer been all going ok, so i will get on with backing.

If you are still worrying about things, can you move him around loose to see how he moves.That may reassure you. His moving away from you i would think is because he knows you are uncertain and are worrying. So this in turn worries him.
If it is pain related he will definitely let you know.
 
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Hahahahaha to the wet fish!!!!!

No, not a fluffy bunny post either!!!

Moan all you like missus - we are all listening!!!! I think what you're experiencing is normal - just that perhaps things seem to be piling up - issue wise with flipo? I know I had a bad health run with Storm (and Joe - well, we won't even go there!) and there were days when I thought "for gods sake, woman, just get on and ride"!!! But sometimes other things get in the way, ie, their problems with hoof trouble, tendons etc etc. My advice would be to take ALL pressure off yourself. Go snuzzle and do whatever you fancy with him - but if you don't want to ride then don't - either that or hop on bareback ( she says!lol) and just have a really soft gentle pootle.
 
Oh Honey, no wet fishes but how about a big

(((((((((((((((((((((H))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Think we all do this from time to time. Look for things that aren't there, worry constantly what if...Think newforest got it in one, confidence...

You are a Wonderful Owner, just remember how far you have come with the big dope, look back at the photo of you winning those rosettes...

You know that Mr F will soon tell you if he's not happy with his saddle, hooves etc, as he certainly has in the past, your expertise in Mr F has moved so far that you will now know something is wrong immediately. Re-Read your diary and just remind yourself how far you have come...
 
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You are a Wonderful Owner, just remember how far you have come with the big dope, look back at the photo of you winning those rosettes...

You know that Mr F will soon tell you if he's not happy with his saddle, hooves etc, as he certainly has in the past, your expertise in Mr F has moved so far that you will now know something is wrong immediately. Re-Read your diary and just remind yourself how far you have come...

This with cherries & bells on. At least you haven't given up on him and sold him for a different model. There are so many horsey people who would have a long time ago. I am proud of you for having the courage to not quit. You are devoted to him.

I cant wait to meet you both next month :playfull::wavespin:
 
I think that you have had a bad run of luck with muscle tears and feet. I don't think you are a drama queen.

I also think that Flip pretty much tells you how he is feeling, he isn't a 'grin and bear it' type of horse like my friends is. He needed the shoes to help his feet, the fact that the vertical crack is growing out and is not up by the coronet band is good.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about riding him now after his haeomatoma (spelling dreadful). And I think when you ENJOY riding him, he won't run off when he sees you with your hat. I think horses are unbelievably sensitive - at my most nervous Tobes used to nap dreadfully. I think he thought well she doesn't want to go out, so don't lets!!

You have learnt huge amounts since you have had Flip, and have come on leaps and bounds. Keep going, it will all sort and he will be fine.
 
I don’t think that the purposefully seek out drama, but I do think that you tend to dwell on things and ponder issues when perhaps others wouldn’t. This is no bad thing – I can do this as well and at the end of the day Flipo gets the best of care from you.
 
FM you know mw I tell it as it is. Get on with looking after and riding your horse, You enjoy both parts equally so do them. Like SJP has stated he will let you know if the saddle is hurting and it is all relative you know this we don't have to tell you.

He is heavy and overweight putting extra pressure on his feet this will make any crack bigger. The saddle might pinch or be tight because he has gained weight again, due to other injuries. he will only start to loss the weight with exercise you will only increase your confidence with riding him hummmm what does that tell you. :throwball: loose school, walk him out enjoy being with him as the confident mum that your are but don't what every you do start to back off as this will esculate to more weight gain, more pressure on feet, saddle not fitting general unfitness and possible more problems related to being overweight.

it is very easy to start putting blockers up and harder to remove them. The summer is short and soon those cold dark nights will be here and you will be doing less and less.

So this is your friendly military kick up the bum. We know you love him and we all love you but at the end of the day he is a horse that needs a carer not a friend he has a nice Arab for that.
 
Firstly I have to say that you are an excellent owner for any horse let alone the big boy. He is very, very lucky he landed on your doorstep, your patience with all the ups and downs has been amazing.

That was the sugar...OK...here comes the pill.:redcarded:

When I was having huge trouble with confidence issues, when I had JJ in his first 6 months and even in the early days of owning Dolly, I was the Queen of stress and excuses NOT to ride. The odd occasion a shoe was thrown, outwardly I would be 'oh damn and blast, now I cant ride today as I had intended'....inside I can now admit I was actually saying...'oh thank heavens now I dont need to find an excuse not to get on and ride today.'

I can even remember going down to ride, getting JJ in, and noticing that he had a very, very tiny bit of soreness on his pink face......and using that as an excuse not to ride in case the bridle rubbed on it!!!:rolleyes: It was almost as though I was glad to find some sort of ailment to justify not riding him!:redface:

So I can freely admit now I am back on the straight and narrow confidence wise, (well mostly!)that I was very much the drama queen then, and it was all linked to my lack of confidence and any minor drama was (subconsciously) grasped on to be used as my excuse. This might not have any bearing on you and Flip - but just how it was with me in hindsight. Hindsight tis such a wonderful things isnt it!:giggle:
 
It is amazing how powerful our inner scripts can be. And they can also be completely illogical and self-damaging. You may have a "must not be successful" script of some sort which will be doing everything it can to block you moving forwards. It will work especially hard after a success like the winning a rosette thing.

I'm not sure how to overcome these things, my life is plagued by self-defeatist scripts, but self-awareness helps. I get myself in panics and convince myself that I have to give up Poppy - Owning a horse represents achievment of a real aspiration for me and I have a very strong "you don't deserve this" script (amoung others) which acts out when things don't go perfectly at the yard (this is its current manifestation previously it has broken up perfectly good relationships and made my CV the patchiest CV known to man!). But because I recognise it as something "other", something that is not rational and is more like a compulsive thought I can ride the wave of panic and upset without it becoming all-consuming and me actually selling my horse!!

[/rubbish amateur psychology lesson]

I don't know, obviously I'm not a professional!! But just a bit of the wording in your post made me consider whether you have something similar going on and it might be worth you reflecting on it.
 
Sounds like it's one of 'when it rains, it pours' situations.

(and no I don't think you have some kind of horsey Munchhausen syndrom lol. sometimes things just pile up)
 
I appreciate the feedback guys, a mixture of a kick up the arse and some understanding is exactly what I needed. Im hating this confidence stuff, it's just so much more of a complex issue than I first realised and I'm constantly second guessing myself, wondering if I'm being honest with me. Thankyou newforest and Clashnoir for being frank, I am being a nervous Nellie and need to work with it not against it.
Werehouse I think you've hit it for me - I do have a inner script that says 'it'll never work out for me.' infact that actually could describe how I feel about every different area of my life - friends, family, work, weight, love. Gawd I need to kick that into touch don't i.

I know I can not ride if im not feeling the urge and I don't make up excuses like its too windy its too hot or cold cortrasna but I do think I'm making up more elaborate problems instead now upon reflection. I met some people frm the yard out riding past my field and they were asking if I was going out the other night. A fair assumption as I was holdin my saddle. No I said, I'm just practicing tacking up as he's fallen over the gate and also scared of the saddle. I immediately wanted to smack myself. It was just one excuse too many. I just think long term I'm expecting things to go tits up and I should just prepare for it now. Born pessimist.

Karin - no joke, I actually looked up munchausen by proxy before writing this thread, it had crossed my mind that I might be showing some symptoms but I realise it's not that bad.
Yes we've had a run of bad luck with things piling up like you say Trewsers. I'm not imagining what's happened but I think I'm not choosing my response to these issues. I'm letting it get to me. I guess that whole thing about letting the little pricks burst your balloon is true.
I feel restricted in how I can exercise flip (I can't lunge him or free school - I just can't seem to get my energy right with him and I'm scared of solo hacking too far) but I have had him out and about walking in hand and he does weigh less than this time last year. An improvement but still work to do.
I need to just enjoy my horse and stop seeing the whole situation as a project I have to fix. I'm going to make a list of all the things I worry about with him down to the stupidest and what I can or can't do about them. That way I will feel like I've got some control.
I have found myself getting exasperated with him lately and I don't like feeling that way but your right Maggiemooo, sjp1 and CFp. He's the sort of horse who likes to tell me he's not happy and I think he takes advantage of my worry and plays it up big style. I need to get tough with him and me. I am his carer - but he is showing me a heck of a lot more interest these days so we have bonded properly now, but I need to be his leader, I need his respect. (although the Arab is most definitely not his friend obc lol!!) I won't give him up but boy does be take up a heck of a lot of my headspace....MP if I had a horse and two kids, I think my head might explode with worry - I don't know how you all do it!
 
Why can you not lunge him? If you can't because of the small circles them you could long rein instead? Lead over poles etc.
The lady i used to help had as i said weekly worries, changing stirrups, saddle, getting reflective right, new body protector, didn't like the feel of the
reins, looked like rain, too many flies. Husband cutting grass would upset pony, husband walking dog would do the same. Cows in next field.
I suspect and i could be wrong that your private day to day live also gets in the way. So if someone or something has upset you, you can't shake it off.

If you make a list of concerns and solutions, make another on achievements.
 
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Yep good idea nf, I will also make a list of achievements as well, although why I'm making lists at all is just silly!

I have to laugh, I think my excuses are a little more elaborate and in my head, substantial, than I don't have my hi viz or there are cows in that field, but I think yes they are some form of excuses. Im now about to explain why I don't lunge free school or long rein but it's all going to sound like excuses as well so I shouldn't really bother should I.
1 lunging - hate it with a passion. Dull, boring and flipo always turns in on me or I can't get him going on the lunge because my body language isn't right. I've had lessons, I can do it maybe once or twice and then he just seems to realise he doesn't have to worry about the lunging whip and no amount of cajooling, jumping up and down, getting big and noisy and pushing him on in the right direction works. We end up doing this little dance round in a tiny circle. I've tried with other horses as well - I can do it with them, not with flipo.
2. And related to the above, I can't free school him. Again I've had lessons in it, it works maybe once or twice and then flipo just realises he can do what he wants and ignores me, refusing to move. I just don't seem to have my energy sorted out to get him moving - out of my space and otherwise. I've tried it in a round pen in his field and in the school but the school has a metre grass verge all round it before the fence line and he will just mount that and start munching. He's a low energy horse and I'm absolutely awful at trying to spur him on from the ground. I'm working on it but not very well.
3. Long reining is dangerous with him as he's strong and has had a couple of folk flat on their face just in the school. And then there are lunge ropes loose as he canters round. Not good.
I can walk him out on endless hills and have been - the Backman is very impressed with the strengthening we've done of his back end by doing lots of climbing. I just need to keep it up with riding him aswell.
Short term I can ride, but longer term I have all these barriers in the way of making progress because I just convince myself something is wrong and will destroy it all. But I know I'm very lucky to have him so I now need to shut the f up and appreciate what I've got. I'm sorry for coming across as pathetic!

People bugging yes does frustrate or upset me in my private life but I've recently found an outlet for that and can fit it in quite comfortably with riding. I go for a run and it destresses me. I leave all other issues at work so i don't think that's tipping over into this but I appreciate what you're suggesting.
 
Doest it matter if you are?
FM I think you are a little bit like me .... you think too much.
OH is always telling me off for what he calls over analysing everything, I've always done it all my life and I don't think Im ever going to change. It's very difficult when you are who you are to change that no matter how much you try to tell yourself otherwise.
For what it's worth I think you are wonderful, sorry for fluffy bunnyness, but you are! You have been courageous and battled on where others such as myself have thrown in the towel, you are kind and caring and you very clearly love your big fella, what are we all here for anyway if not to listen to each other and try and help if we can, if people don't like your posts they don't have to read them.
Anyway I can't give you any advice as I say I have similar issues and like Warehorse said I too have a terrible habit of thinking I don't deserve things. lol I think a psycologist would have their work cut out with some of us on here!

Please don't beat yourself up about anything. Hugs hun and keep smiling. Give yourself a break, your horse will still be there waiting for you tomorrow, next week, next year.
 
what a powerful thread -- and filipo's mum -- the best thing you did is post about your feelings -- making them visible often removes their negative power over you!

all the advice on here is right on target -- those internal scripts we all run can be very frustrating -- there are several blog articles on limiting beliefs and these scripts so maybe a review of the blog would be a good thing to do this weekend? I find that reading articles again at a different time often mean I see things I didn't notice the first time -- because at that time they weren't relevant to me....

and you know, one thing I say is that sometimes the belief that we can't do things - is actually TRUE!!! if your horse has issues, hoof problems etc etc - then you CANT do what you want to do and that's a fact, not an excuse

And sometimes -- evven if it IS an excuse -- SO WHAT?????

we put SO much pressure on ourselves to ride, to do this and that -- when being with our horses is supposed ot be FUN!!

My new riding horse -- well I rode her when she came here and it was obvious we needed to go back to basics -- so she has been lolling around in the field until I have a few days in a row to do it properly --
now I could be stressed about how I am doing nothing with her -- but to be honest, I am focused on getting other things done -- and then I will have 3 or 4 days JUST for her -- and knowing that makes it easier for me to relax about the right now when I only have time to check and run!

anyhow -- go check out the blog again and look for anything on limiting beliefs -- and possibly the confidence kidnappers article will help too as that is baout getting the different parts of you working together isntead of causing conflict

www.effectivehorsemanship.wordpress.com

meanwhile -- read the posts here and hear what they are saying - you are a caring, thoughtful loving horse owner who puts your horse above yourself and we love you for that!!!

xxx

Cathy
 
Actually following on from what Cathy said, I had until about a year ago, not realised that putting yourself down becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Generally as good old Brits, we don't tend to pat ourselves on the back, firstly because it is not in our nature, and secondly because we are not a nation that takes kindly to hearing someone praise themselves - we even have a saying for it - self praise is no praise!!

I do think we sometimes take it a bit far. As I am so keen on sayings, I always worried that 'pride came before a fall' so better not to be busy saying things like 'my horse is excellent in traffic' because I was fearful that the very next car/lorry/tractor that came along, he would throw an absolute eppy fit, thereby proving me an absolute idiot!!!

When I realised that this was creating a spiral of negativity, I stopped doing it. And it does seem to work well.

I can now honestly say that Tobes IS good in traffic. Yes, the odd thing might worry him a bit, but overall he is good in traffic. Now I never worry about meeting bikes/lorries/tractors etc.
 
This is a really interesting thread FM & one I feel I can relate to to a degree although I have not had the degree of concern you have for Flipo. I know my threshold levels compared to most are quite low when it comes to coping with equine problems; the slightest thing and I faff and worry - I'm not very good, I don't feel, at taking things in my stride. And I used to use any excuse I could find to not ride my horse because that it easier than dealing with the real issue; my confidence and self esteem.

Luckily I seem to be making good progress but I've not had the ailment & injuries to worry about like you have. I wish I had answers! Who is telling you at the moment to not ride; is that recommendation from the vet due to his muscle tear? With regards to your saddle, do you have one with a changable gullet? As Flipo's weight is more suseptible to fluctuation compared to some could this be a solution so you can still ride no matter what the weigh tape is reading?

It sounds like you could use somebody, a good RI or such, with an unbias opinion who has not met Flip or yourself before to come and evaluate. I say that because I felt Drill Sergeant was good for Roxy & I in this way. My old RI pandered too much to my fluffy bunny-ness and Roxy this and Roxy that, she doesn't like this and isn't good at that, and we can't do this because of X, Y, Z... Drill Sergeant pretty much arrived on scene, told me to get a grip and take charge of my mare. Granted, she acknowledged Roxy is a stroppy & dominant mare who can be more awkward to handle that some, but she gave me a new leese of life over my horse. I swear without her I would never have gotten to where I am today. Coupled with a few brilliant fellow & unjudgemental liveries, I am now galloping my horse around. This time last year I was too afraid to get on her - when I COULD get on her as most of the time I failed at the block.

I hope you & Flip manage to resolve his current injuries and enjoy more riding together. I can only suggest what I have as it has worked so well for me but obviously we're all different. You're welcome to bring the gert lump down here for a break - I'm sure Roxy would be delighted to meet him! :biggrin: (Maybe she could give him a few tips, too?)
 
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