Am I being a 'pushy parent'?

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doolally_tap

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Jun 3, 2007
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I have a pony on part loan for my 9 year old son, who along with being small for his age, is also very very young for his age and quite 'babyish'.

The pony is a diamond - a real confidence giver and such a cutey too.

My son is loving the groundwork part of the whole thing..... enjoys helping with catching and bringing in, changing rugs, grooming, feeding etc..... even happy to help carry water and do his fair share of the mucky stuff!

However...... when it comes to riding he's extremely timid, and more than happy to just plod around in walk. Before starting the part-loan he'd had lots of lessons at an RS and was off lead rein, trotting independently, but hadn't moved onto canter.

I'm not an AI but have enough experience to teach him - I tell him to get the pony walking on more, and try to keep things interesting for him. He'll trot, but only in short bursts, I'm yet to get him to trot round the whole school. He'll trot circles, but if I ask him to change the rein or do serpentines, or anything in trot he just refuses. The most I can get out of him is half an hour in the school. We go out on hacks with me as the foot soldier with a lead rein handy (which I only really use when we get near roads). Again, he just wants to stay in walk, and when I try to encourage him to trot he has every excuse under the sun not to.

I've even told him that I'm not prepared to continue the part-loan if he doesn't want to progress with his riding. After all, it's me doing all the hard work and stable jobs. He says he doesn't want this to happen and will try harder, but then the next time he rides he's back to being a 'passenger'.

Once, as a punishment for being naughty at school I told him he couldn't ride that night....... he looked delighted!!!!

I'm getting him proper riding lessons on the pony with a freelance AI - just once every couple of weeks, and he seems to be a bit better with the instructor telling him to trot (it's the age old problem of not wanting to listen to mum!)

This has been going on for 2 months now and he usually rides 2/3 times a week (only because I make him though).

How long do I persevere for? Am I being impatient, or does it sound as if his heart isn't in it? I just know that if I'd been given this opportunity at his age, I'd have been cockahoop!!!
 
I have this problem with my daughter, she has her own pony but won't ride him. She does PC at the local riding school and walks, trots, canters and jumps plus goes out on hacks all off lead rein.

At the moment i am doing ground work with her pony and involving her so she can build up confidence to do the things with him that she does at the RS.

It is all about confidence i have found, she has more faith in the instructors at the RS than she does me because it's there job where as im her mother and it appears unnatural for her. She does have additional needs so does find some things difficult to understand.
 
I think that you have to be led by your child. If he is enjoying himself in walk, then what is wrong with that? What does progress mean anyway? Surely riding is all about enjoyment at any age and if he is enjoying his slow hacks, I don't see why you would want to push him to do more. When he is ready, he will tell you when he wants to move up a pace. If you push him before he is ready, he will probably not want to ride at all.
 
Even though I have taught loads of other kids I stopped teaching mine when she was about 8 and got my instructor involved. Its like teaching your wife/husband to drive ..not a good idea.

I personally think as well that 30 minutes is far too long for a 9 yo as a 1-1 schooling session. The beauty of having your own pony is that you can do the odd 10 minutes and concentrate on having fun. Get him into Pony Club or joining in lessons at a local RS so he has fun with other kids his age. Teaching a child to ride as as much about capturing their interest as being technically proficient.
 
My son gets music lessons even though my wife is a qualified music teacher. Her old boss used to say - you can't teach your own. He was proven right :)
 
Yes I think you're being pushy given what you've written.

Ponies should be fun and not seen as a chore. If it's not then why bother? It's not fair on the child and it's too much of a commitment for the child and takes away so much time and opportunity to find out what they want to do and who they are.

If this isn't his passion either take things at his pace and enjoy if for what it is or let him give it up in favour of trying to find out what his passion is.

It's hard. I've held back with my daughter as I've always had an inkling that she only wanted to please me and share in my hobby. I was right. If I didn't have ponies she wouldn't be remotely interested.
 
I'm going to be diplomatic (yes and a bit of a cop out lol) and suggest you read back through your own post to see if you're being pushy or not,I *think* that if you read what you've written you will see for yourself and will make the point better than anything any of us say:wink:

Perhaps you have got a bit wrapped up in what you think he *should* be doing and have overlooked what he likes to do??

I have 3 boys and not a single one of them is remotely interested in horses,one of them hasn't even set eyes on the horse I have owned for 2 years and keep 500yds from my house!!
I would give a lot just to have one of mine know my horses name let alone ride it lol.
Make the most of his interest while it lasts would be my advice,and have fun doing what he does enjoy rather than worrying about what he doesn't:smile:
 
eml said:
I personally think as well that 30 minutes is far too long for a 9 yo as a 1-1 schooling session. ..... Teaching a child to ride as as much about capturing their interest as being technically proficient.
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I have an 8 year old who comes to me for lessons. Her parents want her to have 1 hour private riding lesson followed by 1 hour English lesson. :( She gets tired as hell after about 40 minutes riding and the last thing she wants is to sit and learn English afterwards!

I find about 35 minutes split between some school work and some lead-rein hack is about enough - then we play games on the horse (taking a ball and throwing it into a feed bucket, bending through cones, etc) for the last few part of the lesson. Or she untacks and grooms and picks feet out and helps put the tack and the horse away.

I don't push her at all, she's not my child...I feel her parents push her without even knowing they are doing it - they don't even stay for her lessons. If she tells me she's tired after half an hour, we go for a ploddy walk around the fields. If she's still bouncing off the ceiling after an hour, all the better....but she's not made it to a full hour yet without getting too tired.

I think children will tell you how much they want to do. I had my first pony at 7, and hated schooling. I was nervous too, having had some awful RS instructors. My mum never pushed me. I never competed or anything like that as a child. I just enjoyed my pony. My mum was just happy that I was happy on my pony.
 
Thanks for your replies ..... and yes I've read through my initial post and really do think I sound like a 'pushy parent' in it :redface: I think I wrote that post when I was just back from the stables, feeling very tired, dirty and smelly and knowing that my son wasn't bothered whether he rode today or not.

I really do try my best to keep it fun, and not push my son into doing stuff he doesn't want to do. It's difficult to know which part of him drives the reluctance.... the lazy side of him, or the lack of confidence. If I feel it's the latter then I back off straight away - and thank my lucky stars that he isn't the type of child who's over-confident and would put himself in danger.

The owner of the pony has two children younger than my son; both love to ride and are happily cantering. I'm ashamed to say it, but I guess I've been comparing my boy to them..... and I do realise how wrong that is. I'll just continue going slowly slowly with him, getting him lessons from the freelance RI (they are only ever for half an hour).

Just to clarify one point - it was my son who wanted the pony; and I mean really wanted it. And he's always happy to be around the stables and getting involved. I was originally looking at getting a part-loan of something suitable for just me to ride.... and then took the decision to get something for him instead.

I'm a single mum, and the practicalities of juggling time and sorting out child-care for my other son (who isn't at all interested in horses) is sometimes a bit stressful.... I guess I need to stop analysing whether it's all worth it, and just take things as they come.
 
I think he sounds a bit pressured. But I wouldn't be beating yourself up about it. I think any child loves an idea, but the reality can be a lot harder work, it could be about confidence, it could also be about him feeling 'told' what to do. I liken it to cleaning my room when I was a kid. If it was my own decision then I would put my heart and soul into it (yes, I'd be at it for hours but it'd be immaculate by the time I was finished). If I was asked to do it by my parents...then told...then I'd dig my heels in.
I had ponies when I was a kid. I loved them to death but by god there were long periods of time when I was an ungrateful little so and so.
Maybe pony club, maybe asking if he wanted to bring a friend along to play with the pony? I think the sharing with another child of similar age might help.
 
Think it goes with Kids and Horses for some reason.......

I bought Bert for my Grandaughter, AND as a companion for Sioned, at times she couldn't really care less if she goes to the Yard or not. To be fair she is very novice and with Bert being a Youngster its been hard and she was worried about having a fall as she has never fallen off.

I went through the same feelings as you, whats the point, nah, nah, nah......
so I took a step back.......she loves brushing him, leading him etc., etc., but I have said NOTHING about riding and just let her enjoy him.


Last week as we were packing up to Leave she suddenly looked up and said
'Nanny, can we stay a bit longer, I really want to RIDE BERT':smile:

I said 'No Lani, he hasn't done anything for a good few weeks and last time somebody got on him he bucked them off, so he needs to be lunged etc., and brought back into work again'............

'I don't care if he bucks me off Nanny' she said, 'I am happy to just have a sit on him and make a fuss of him then'

SO SHE DID..........and he didn't do a thing:smile:

SO........from now on, I will wait until she asks and somehow I have the
feeling it will be this w.end when she is over:wink:

If the Pony is a real diamond, put your Son in the School with him and walk away.......obviously keep an eye on them.......but leave him to it and let them just enjoy each other xxxxxxxxxx
 
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fairlady said:
'Nanny, can we stay a bit longer, I really want to RIDE BERT':smile:

I said 'No Lani, he hasn't done anything for a good few weeks and last time somebody got on him he bucked them off,
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sorry, not helping here but :giggle: - bad Bert!!!!!!

re: being pushy - i think you are a bit. he's only 9, he shouldn't 'have to' progress to milestones in his riding (he probably gets enough of that at school), and also agree with getting someone else to teach him.

Julia
x
 
Mary Poppins said:
I think that you have to be led by your child. If he is enjoying himself in walk, then what is wrong with that? What does progress mean anyway? Surely riding is all about enjoyment at any age and if he is enjoying his slow hacks, I don't see why you would want to push him to do more. When he is ready, he will tell you when he wants to move up a pace. If you push him before he is ready, he will probably not want to ride at all.
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eml said:
Even though I have taught loads of other kids I stopped teaching mine when she was about 8 and got my instructor involved. Its like teaching your wife/husband to drive ..not a good idea.

I personally think as well that 30 minutes is far too long for a 9 yo as a 1-1 schooling session. The beauty of having your own pony is that you can do the odd 10 minutes and concentrate on having fun. Get him into Pony Club or joining in lessons at a local RS so he has fun with other kids his age. Teaching a child to ride as as much about capturing their interest as being technically proficient.
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I agree with the above ^

It's really hard as a parent some of the time though (ok - all the time!) particularly if you can ride yourself as it means you can quite often have higher expectations then a parent who doesn't ride will have.

I have a 9yr old too who only rides occasionally and a 12yr old who really lost her confidence mainly through me being pushy (there you go - been there done that so your not the only one!) I am a lot more relaxed with my two that ride regularly. They are 5 and 6. It takes an awful lot of strength to trot the whole school arena when you're not used to it - AND concentration! We play a lot of games mainly things such as 'find the letter' (in walk and trot) and can you write the letters of your name in the sand, can you go through cones, simon says, go where you like but when i say shout red stop, amber walk and green trot (traffic light game). Mine only really ride for 15min to 30 mins at a time as thats all they want to do.
 
I personally think as well that 30 minutes is far too long for a 9 yo as a 1-1 schooling session.
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oh the parents that wanted us to take 5 year olds on 2 hour hack! I jest not!

30 mins is the longest lesson we would take kids under 12.

You cannot teach your own,
 
I think getting a pony on loan, share or buying can be it's own problem too. Sometimes the stakes can change and it goes from being fun to something more as there is the added pressure in needing to get value from the pony.
 
notpoodle said:
sorry, not helping here but :giggle: - bad Bert!!!!!!

:bounce:

To be fair to Bert they turned up v.late.....it was DARK and extremely WINDY..........however I knew by the 'look' he gave me when they walked in that maybe things were not going to go too smoothly:smoke:

The funniest thing about the whole situation is that this Friends Kids have been riding a 'schoolmaster Pony'.....I had said to their Mum 'Bert isn't quite like Thomas mind, as he is young he is much more unpredictable' and her reply was 'Well, Thomas has taught them everything OTHER than how to fall off......maybe Bert will teach them that'

Don't think she was expecting it in the first 5 minutes:bounce:

Little girl was on him on leadrein, the Mum called something too me, I turned to look and took my 'eye off him' and next minute huge BUCK and little Girl slid to the floor !!!! Thankfully she was fine and more than happy to get back on and as I whispered 'DOG FOOD' into Berts ear he decided to play ball and get it all over and done with asap.........however, they HAVENT BEEN BACK:bounce:
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There is an old saying dont live your life through your off spring. I never pushed mine into any sport its best to let them have a go at everything and they usually find the thing the like best. IF they find something they really like thats when they need encouragement. I was mega disapointed that mine did not like rugby and preferred the girly game of soccer but i got over it. I did not want any of mine doing something just to please me i wanted them to make their own decisions and be independent. I do not claim to be an expert on bringing up children but i must have done something right as they are all extremely independent and strong willed and are all contributing to society as best they can although some are contributing in foreign lands and yes you do miss them.
 
It's so tough. I think the term 'pushy parent' quite often does us a disservice. I don't think any parent who has found their passion in life, be it ponies or football, is necessarily pushy. I tend to think that we have had such joy and happiness from it and it is this that we wish for our children and mistakenly may think that might come from the same things we hold dear.

I'm trying to get my monster to do as many different thing in life as I can in the hope she finds her passion sooner, rather than later in life. Tis hard this parenting malarky!
 
I am trying to find something for my son, he is a lazy little so and so who gets bored or tired very quickly. My daughter on the other hand is constantly on the go and never seems to tire. Luckily (or unluckily) her passion is horses but reading this thread, it has made me think that maybe i pushed her into it. She did do ballet and trampolining prior to this but found her niche in PC because of the routine and variety of tasks offered she never gets bored.

My son had done an intro to Karate but never really got excited about wanting to do it long term so never went back. He also wants to ride which i don't mind but hour long lessons are too much for him and he is too young for PC being only 4. He does wander round on our pony tho and does groom him.

My OH moans at me for paying for my daughter to have a hobby but not my son but i feel until he is old enough and interested in something worth while what's the point in wasting money.
 
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