A question for parents.....

[Mary Poppins]

Today, my 3 year old son was involved in an 'incident' with another child. They were playing in soft play, and no-one saw exactly what happened so it's hard to know for real. I heard screaming and ran over to find another child with a huge chunk of my sons hair in his hand and a bite mark on his face.

From talking to my son, it appears that the other child started to pull chunks out of his hair out. This is evident from the bald patch on my sons head. My son said that the other child was hurting him and wouldn't let him get away, so he bit the other child on the face so he would let go of his hair.

The other childs mother than let rip at me big time in the play area telling me how disgusted she was with my son and how my son obviously 'attacked' her child. I feel that both children were to blame, but it was obvious that her child did something to mine otherwise he wouldn't have had a handful of my sons hair in his hand. My son was bigger than the other child (he is a big boy for his age), so apparently should be able to control himself when he is having his hair pulled out! I told the mother that I was sorry the incident happened, but I was not going to have a row about it infront of the children and left.

Now I am not saying that my child was right to bite, but my son is not a vicious child and has never done anything like this before. My question (in a long winded way), is do you encourage your children to act in self defense, or is a child supposed to put up with his hair being pulled out without reacting? Is it wrong of me to not make a big deal out of him biting because I feel that he was provoked and therefore it was 'almost' justified? Is there anything wrong with telling my children that they can protect themselves if they feel in danger? How would you deal with this situation? My son was in floods of tears for about 20 minutes afterwards. He knows that biting was wrong, but he didn't know how else to stop the child from pulling his hair.

 

[Cortrasna]

You say yourself that nobody saw exactly what happened....and a three year old is quite old enough to realise that to keep Mum onside it will be better to claim self defence rather than admit they were the instigator! Your son is only three, it is quite possible he has never, ever shown an inclination to start a bit of a ruckus before, but that is absolutely no guarantee that he hasn't now and won't in the future?

I do agree that the other Mum really shouldn't have let rip in front of the two children, as she obviously has no more idea than you who started it all.

I think you probably should both have just had a quiet word with each other, agreed that it was entirely possible that either of your little angels might have started it all, and both agree to have a little word with the little monsters when you get home about the rules of fair play and interaction.:smile:

 

[Dannii5691]

I don't have children so am not really in much of a position to comment. But from being badly bullied all through school and in the workplace up until I have just started my new job where thankfully eveey one is lovely I can honestly say not standing up for yourself is not helpful.

through school I was bullied and once I (finally ... 4 years later) snapped life became a lot easier. I came into this job with a "im lovely but dont mess with me" attitude and it works having only 1 issue so far with someone being a dick and sharply realising I don't stand for that.

I guess what im trying to say is if I had children and they felt they were in a position where its necessary to defend then self's then they should jolly well defend themselves and I would be behind them 100% ASLONG as it was in self defence.

 

[eml]

I am so glad I had a shy/horsey little girl I really could not have coped with a boy!!

From what I have seen from friend's little boys and the few I have taught they are almost inevitably going to get into scraps and be challenging. I really don't know how to avoid this, my mother used to say 'boys will be boys'.... they do seem to have a more adventurist outlook than girls!

 

[Mary Poppins]

You say yourself that nobody saw exactly what happened....and a three year old is quite old enough to realise that to keep Mum onside it will be better to claim self defence rather than admit they were the instigator! Your son is only three, it is quite possible he has never, ever shown an inclination to start a bit of a ruckus before, but that is absolutely no guarantee that he hasn't now and won't in the future?

I do agree that the other Mum really shouldn't have let rip in front of the two children, as she obviously has no more idea than you who started it all.

I think you probably should both have just had a quiet word with each other, agreed that it was entirely possible that either of your little angels might have started it all, and both agree to have a little word with the little monsters when you get home about the rules of fair play and interaction.:smile:

I think that I am more upset about being verbally attacked by the other mother infront of my children. I basically just stood and took it because both my children were in tears at her shouting at me, and I didn't want to make it worse. She was calling my son terrible names, telling me how dreadful it was that he 'attacked' her son and because my son is obviously so much older than hers that he should know better. He is only 3 years old, but looks older because he is very tall for his age.

I am very sorry that my son bit hers, but I don't believe that he attacked the other child with no reason. I probably sound like a blinkered parent, but he has NEVER bitten another child or shown any signs of aggression. I believe what he told me. He has never lied and I feel very strongly that I want to support him.

Good lord, this has really upset me!

 

[Mary Poppins]

I guess what im trying to say is if I had children and they felt they were in a position where its necessary to defend then self's then they should jolly well defend themselves and I would be behind them 100% ASLONG as it was in self defence.

It's hard because I didn't see what happened, but I do believe that he thought that he needed to act in self defense. I do think that children need to be able to stick up for themselves, and they also need the support of their parents when they do this.

Dannii - I am sorry that you were bullied. It is one of my worst fears having my children bullied and I want them to know that I will support them if they feel they need to defend themselves. I have a very close relationship with my boys. We talk about everything and anything and I hope that they will always feel able to come and talk to me about anything they need to.

 

[MrA]

I remember my brother getting bitten when he was young at school, unprovoked, so he says but maybe he was calling the girl names, he instantly yelled out for the teacher, who then came running over and got the girl off him.

So that is what I would teach my children, to call out for help first.

But I'm not a mum so have no idea really

 

[MrA]

I guess what im trying to say is if I had children and they felt they were in a position where its necessary to defend then self's then they should jolly well defend themselves and I would be behind them 100% ASLONG as it was in self defence.

Hmm I do agree that they should be able to stand up for themselves but not by using violent means especially not at that age. Maybe one of the children should of called for mum??

 

[Mary Poppins]

I am so glad I had a shy/horsey little girl I really could not have coped with a boy!!

From what I have seen from friend's little boys and the few I have taught they are almost inevitably going to get into scraps and be challenging. I really don't know how to avoid this, my mother used to say 'boys will be boys'.... they do seem to have a more adventurist outlook than girls!

My eldest son is much more reserved, but my youngest is really confident and will always say what he thinks at all times (abit like me!!). He is very energetic and I am not saying that he is an angel. He is very tall for his age and I think that people assume that he is much older than he is. He is only 3 but wears 5 year old clothes.

I do agree that 'boys will be boys' and I know that biting is not acceptable. But neither is pulling out large chunks of hair. They were both badly behaved, but I resent the other parent blaming it all on my son.

 

[Dannii5691]

But equally what if the kids were somewhere where they couldnt contact a parent / teacher. I remember the weeks I spent in bed at 13 with 4 broken ribs and a cracked jaw after curling up in a ball being kicked and punched after screaming and no one came ... :frown:

 

[Mary Poppins]

Hmm I do agree that they should be able to stand up for themselves but not by using violent means especially not at that age. Maybe one of the children should of called for mum??

It's hard in soft play areas to keep 100% attention on your child and to hear your child if they do call out. The children get caught up in small spaces because that is how they are designed, and children will be jammed together. This particular incident happened in a square hole away from the view of anyone else. My son may well have called out, but with the noise of the play area I couldn't hear him.

I might just steer clear of these places in future. They are more trouble then they are worth!

 

[Mary Poppins]

But equally what if the kids were somewhere where they couldnt contact a parent / teacher. I remember the weeks I spent in bed at 13 with 4 broken ribs and a cracked jaw after curling up in a ball being kicked and punched after screaming and no one came ... :frown:

Did bullies do that to you? That is dreadful!

I agree that there isn't always someone who will come and help straight away and I want my children to stand up to anyone who tries to hurt them. If that involves being violent to remove the danger to themselves then so be it. If it is a choice between someone hurting my child and them either taking it or fighting back, I want them to fight back. Would I have preferred this other child to pull every single hair from my childs head, or would I prefer that he acted to get the child off him? I am pleased that he defended himself.

 

[Gimp]

I think mothers will always defend their own children, I used to take my little one to a soft play area, but there was always incidents where older kids went in the toddler bit etc and I was forever on patrol usshering them out. The best thing to do in those places is watch them like a hawk. I actually stopped going as it was just one big riot, with kids running amok.. and parents just nattering at the side and not watching them. Horrid places if you ask me!

Sounds a horrible incident for your son to have a bald patch, and from what you say he sounds an honest little boy ( bless him!) Hope hes ok x Its usually the quiet ones that come of with the worst injuries. That must of really hurt him to have his hair ripped out like that.

I stopped going to one of my toddler groups as one of the kids was awful, going round bullying the little ones and the mother did nothing to stop him, All the other parents had to rescue their kids from him!:banghead: Her son was of course an angel ! I even happened to meet them in a shop one day and he pushed my little girl over. He is a brute, and the same age.. just 2.

Its hard to know what to do for the best, I know Im a very over protective mother at the moment and they do need to see some of the world, its very hard when there are unruly wild ones around. :frown:

 

[MrA]

But equally what if the kids were somewhere where they couldnt contact a parent / teacher. I remember the weeks I spent in bed at 13 with 4 broken ribs and a cracked jaw after curling up in a ball being kicked and punched after screaming and no one came ... :frown:

Yes this is very true and sorry you had to go through that, I got massively bullied too but not really physically, but still not nice. All I ment is that I don't think I would go and tell my 3 year old that it is okay for him to defend himself, I would just tell him to call as loud as he can for me, scream even till I come running.

But again I'm not a parent so no real clue.

 

[Mary Poppins]

I think mothers will always defend their own children, I used to take my little one to a soft play area, but there was always incidents where older kids went in the toddler bit etc and I was forever on patrol usshering them out. The best thing to do in those places is watch them like a hawk. I actually stopped going as it was just one big riot, with kids running amok.. and parents just nattering at the side and not watching them. Horrid places if you ask me!

Sounds a horrible incident for your son to have a bald patch, and from what you say he sounds an honest little boy ( bless him!) Hope hes ok x Its usually the quiet ones that come of with the worst injuries. That must of really hurt him to have his hair ripped out like that.

I stopped going to one of my toddler groups as one of the kids was awful, going round bullying the little ones and the mother did nothing to stop him, All the other parents had to rescue their kids from him!:banghead: Her son was of course an angel ! I even happened to meet them in a shop one day and he pushed my little girl over. He is a brute, and the same age.. just 2.

Its hard to know what to do for the best, I know Im a very over protective mother at the moment and they do need to see some of the world, its very hard when there are unruly wild ones around. :frown:

We don't normally go to them because of the reasons you state, but this was a soft play connected to a farm we had been to. We only went in there because it got dark outside.

The other child was trying to play a game with my son called 'chop up'. This involved his pretending to chop off parts of his body. When he pulled my sons hair, he was pretending to pull his head off. I don't blame my son for not wanting to play this game. My eldest son gave me lots of information and he has been in tears for hours tonight because he thinks that it is his fault he didn't protect his brother.

 

[glenrox]

Its a hard one but I can say hand on heart as a mother of 3 that at 3 years old and younger the children should be supervised , even whilst at soft play.My pet hate was mums who sat chatting while their kids ran amok ( not that im saying that's what happened , its just my pet hate)

I can also say , being totally honest that I can see both sides of this , every mother believes their own child , this is a fact but I can honestly say hand on heart that if one of my kids had been bitten on the face by an older child I would be yelling too...sorry but im being totally honest.

 

[Mary Poppins]

Its a hard one but I can say hand on heart as a mother of 3 that at 3 years old and younger the children should be supervised , even whilst at soft play.My pet hate was mums who sat chatting while their kids ran amok ( not that im saying that's what happened , its just my pet hate)

I can also say , being totally honest that I can see both sides of this , every mother believes their own child , this is a fact but I can honestly say hand on heart that if one of my kids had been bitten on the face by an older child I would be yelling too...sorry but im being totally honest.

They were being supervised, I was sat directly outside the play area watching them. But the nature of soft play is that they go down holes into hidden areas and you can't see them 100% of the time.

If my child had been bitten I would have been upset as well. But I wouldn't go shouting and screaming at the other parent before I had even spoken to the children. I also wouldn't be shouting horrible names at the other child either.

 

[glenrox]

I agree with that and I certainly wouldn't have been shouting at the children

 

[Dannii5691]

Did bullies do that to you? That is dreadful!

Yeh. Someone died in out tutor group that I didn't get on with (he had been a pain in my arse since primary and one of the bullies from my younger days). I made the decision to not attend his funeral as he didn't like me when I was alive why would he want me there at his funeral. Im not a hypocrite.

Not attending was probably the worst decision I ever made.

 

[Calluna]

As a parent of older children I am STILL trying to explain to my younger two that it is ok to disagree, but that it is not ok to be uncivil. Debate is healthy and words are the first thing that should be used (civilly). Shouting , swearing and violence reflect badly on the perpetrator.
If this incident gives you an opportunity to get a head start on teaching this lesson, then grab it with both hands!