Been pushed to the very limits of my confidence!

Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins

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Oct 10, 2004
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I am sitting here with a glass of wine trying to decide if I have had a good lesson or a dreadful lesson tonight! I'm sorry that this is so long, but I need to write it down.

Since a bolting incident when I was 14, I have had terrible confidence issues riding in open spaces. In my whole lifetime I have only had 2 horses who I felt 100% happy riding in open fields. These were my old shire horse who I could hack anywhere, and my favourite cob at my RS who I have ridden in all hacks, cross country events etc. since I started riding at this school. In the last 10 years I have only ridden these two horses out of the school (with the exception of an old share horse who dumped me, and a ride out at Cumbrian Heavy Horses).

Since I returned to riding last September my RS cob has been retired and I have been riding a variety of other horses. My confidence has increased and I can now ride a good variety of horses in the school, and have even found myself a share horse (who I ride in the school only because there is no hacking there at all).

Tonight I got to my lesson to find out I was riding a horse who I had only ridden once. He is a 16.2hh TB type and really not the type of horse I was imagine I would ride. When I rode him last time it was during a flatwork lesson and I was nervous of him. I found him forward going and forward thinking - not like my usual rides. We stuck to walk and trot and managed to do half a circle in canter which was a huge achievement for us.

In my ride tonight my RI appeared on a horse and said that we were going hacking! I was almost sick at the thought of it. We only walked out for 20 minutes but we went through 3 open fields and across 2 sets of woodland. There were 3 other riders with us, 2 of which were riding fizzy horses who looked like they just wanted to gallop. My horse put up with me being tense and did get slightly joggy at one point, but on the whole he was a complete star.

We then got into the arena and my RI announced that we were now jumping! After a few strides of canter to warm up, my RI got me cantering over jumps! This horse has a huge jump and I found it un nerving. He kind of locked into a jump and flew over it. I almost lost my nerve at one point and my RI told me that I had to make him canter to the fence at a good pace to go over it. I did this, he did a huge jump and then I felt so overwelmed with the situation I started crying! I'm really embarrassed! I ended the session by doing a little course, and then I cried some more just because my nerves were almost at breaking point.

My RI did chat to me afterwards and said that he wanted to push me so I realised that I could do it. I did do it, so why don't I feel happy now? I just feel like climbing into bed and giving up this riding lark as I just don't seem to get any better. Why don't I spend all this money on doing something that I am good at - like shopping and eating!
 
I was reading your post and anxiously awaiting the bad bit... it didn't come!

My god woman, well done! I would be on cloud 9 if I had done what you had and I completely understand the tears.

I would love a RI like yours, sometimes springing these surprises on you at the last minute is the best thing. If you knew that was the lesson plan, would you have done it? and if you did you would have been worrying about it. I like RI that push you out of your comfort zone, it needs to be done sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I would have been having heart failure at the thought of doing what you did. I think your amazing and deserve a huge pat on the back.

If I were you, I would be basking in glory!! :biggrin:
 
CMP said:
I would love a RI like yours, sometimes springing these surprises on you at the last minute is the best thing. If you knew that was the lesson plan, would you have done it? and if you did you would have been worrying about it. I like RI that push you out of your comfort zone, it needs to be done sometimes.
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That is exactly what he said. He told me that if he said that we were going hacking then that I would have worried about it all week and wouldn't have been able to do it. To be honest, I'm more embarrassd that I cried! Why did I have to cry? Why oh why oh why???? He must think that I really am a complete idiot!
 
Go girl!!!!

It sounds like you've had a wonderful lesson - it can be unbelievably unnerving when you're out of your comfort zone and I think you left your comfort zone waaay in the distance today :)

Try and just focus on what you actually think did, not that you found it overwhelming, just that you did it!

Very often we are the only people who put pressure on ourselves to not get emotional and do things perfectly first time, cut yourself a bit of slack about crying - it's 100% normal!

When I lost my confidence really badly after riding one particular horse who kept trying to kill me, I was a jellified blubbering idiot at the thought of getting on any horse at all. Started having lessons again (above mentioned horse was stabled at RS) on the RS horses but with the RI that got me really confident in the first place. He had to get me to repeat Shakespeare lines back to him to distract me from being so desperately nervous!!!
 
Well done, this a brilliant acheivement, but as it was all unexpected and un-nerving you have to assimilate the experience and accept what you have acheived. Maybe a hot bath, a good relax and a sleep, I bet you will feel really proud of yourself tomorow. You should do.
 
I read this thread on my phone and had to log on to reply properly.

I had a vaguely similar experience to this during my lesson a few weeks ago, although my little 'blip', as I am now calling it, was over what seems like nothing compared to what you have done today! But, I felt exactly the same as what you felt at the time and what you are feeling right now. I was crushed after my lesson, I just felt so rubbish!

My 'blip' was riding a particularly forward going horse (who I have ridden loads while out hacking, but only once in the school before) and his canter just scared the cr*p out of me. I have a fear of being taken off with (no reason for it, just a control thing I think), and this horse was constantly rushing his trot and breaking into canter any chance he got...not once did I get a slow, controlled trot out of him, I was just constantly trying to get him back to me. Anyway, eventually my RI asked me to canter him and it was awful, I was petrified, I didn't ask for it, he just did it and I held on, I felt completely helpless and by the end of it (poor horse was weaving all over the place trying to 'catch' and support his rubbish wobbly rider who had completely lost the plot) I was near tears...I was shaking, breathless and if my RI hadn't laughed at me (totally works for me) I would have cried. My RI then asked me to canter the other rein and I refused. She then jumped on, showed me his beautifully controlled canter, and I then popped back on and had a very nice calm trot round the school.

My RI explained to me that we are paying a lot of money for her to teach us, so she is constantly trying to push us up a level...this horse for me was my next level. I had got on well with the 'easier' horses, the ones who don't mind a bit of a wobble, this particular horse was kept for the better riders and had just proved how he needs a quiet and balanced rider.

What I am trying to say is, although my little 'blip' is over nothing in comparison to you, I still felt exactly the same...and they both happened for the same reasons, our RI's pushing us that little further. The reactions you had are completely normal, and nothing to be embarrassed about, your RI understood why you had those reactions, and he obviously understands the way you work by surprising you with the hack and the jumps. You did amazingly well, and should be proud of yourself! You even managed to keep going...I just point blank refused to canter him again (though I am glad I stuck to my guns as I was too all over the place to have had any control over him). I do hope that in a week or so time you will have thought it through and be able to be proud of what you achieved tonight. Particularly the hack, it sounds like you handled it brilliantly.

PS. Since that lesson I have managed to figure out exactly what went wrong (at first I was worried I had developed a fear of cantering in the school), I have realised I have a 'control' issue that I need to work on, and luckily have managed to prove to myself it was not the cantering I was scared of, but that rushing feeling.
 
Whew - like CMP I kept reading and waiting for the horrible fall (or something) - and - I must say - WOW! I am totally in awe MP! Look at what you did - I'm pretty sure that a lot of us won't achieve what you did in one lesson, in months of riding (I know I won't). I completely understand the tears (been there myself, more than once).

Congratulations - enjoy some wine and a hot bath!
 
Well done! You should be really proud of yourself :) I had a moment like this the other day went to the riding club for the 1st time with my new horse, he's so kind natured but we had an accident out hacking (he came down on me) and all I could think about was getting there and him freaking out. We got there tacked up he was fine got on in the yard while the last class was ending and he started juming around (he does when he gets exited) and I lost the plot I jumed off and cried and cried. At the time I told myself I coudn't do it I wasnt good enough etc my sister then told me to shut up and get on with it, so I got back on and he was a star jumped like a dream and was totally fine! I think it was all in my head but I know how you feel, sorry for the essay! Hoe you feel better tomorrow :) xxx
 
Sounds like you got pushed waaay out of your comfort zone. Fab that you managed it, not so fab that you're left with an uneasy feeling. Maybe your RI's good intentions were a little too good. I'd suggest you make sure if the same situation arises again, that you do only one of those two scary things - jump or hack. Well done though.
 
Thanks everyone, it really is comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced these emotions. I'm so tired this morning as I have been thinking about it all night. The good news is (and this is probably what my RI is trying to achieve), is that I have a riding club show tomorrow where I have to do a course of jumps. I will be riding a nice steady cob and at this moment in time, I don't feel the slightest bit nervous about it. Riding a steady horse around a 2'3" course in the indoor school is nothing compared to what I did last night!
 
Well done you mrs! Bloody hell I'm in awe! I echo the others about leaving your comfort zone well and truely behind!

I think that you have a fab riding instructor, he knows your boundaries and tries to push them (in a good way!!) but knows how to do it well - not telling you about the hack was obv the best thing to do a's he knew you would be flapping about it all week! And hacking, schooling AND jumping all in one lesson?! Bloody hell please pick up your riding school and bring it up to the north east! We defo don't have any like that round here! Xx
 
Brilliant, nothing else, just brilliant. Two fears overcome (perhaps not conquered yet) in one evening. Let it sink in what you have just accomplished. Who cares about the crying, everyone cries at something.
 
I am the wet blanket. I say "No". take a grip and take control of your riding.

Coindicence that my other thread is about the disproportionate number of times I have come to grief and fallen with a male teacher.
It is very difficult for an adult co-operative riding student to say no to an RI - but the bottom line is that we have to. My recent fall in the school happened because I failed to insist on something.

Whether hacking out, choice of horse, or jumping, we remain responsible for our own safely and minimising the risks of what is already a high risk sport.

My long term RI said to me recently that it is no good having an RI who has read all the books unless they provide for your safety.

This is not fun or a challenge as these men think - I was horrified by your post that he rejoiced you had fallen. Good instructors pay massive attention to minimising risk. Because though a fall may be harmless, it sometimes is not. True I have fallen about 9 times in 9 years - though rarely recently and I have remained unhurt. In those same 9 years two people knwn to OH and me have been killed riding and another, a young mother like you, who was reported on NR at a yard local to us.

He is the wrong teacher for you Mary P - And your body and mind are giving you a valid warning. Choose your horse and teacher carefully. You are the best and only judge of the riding you enjoy and want to do.
 
Firstly, well done for doing as you were told. Whilst I appreciate that your RI had the best intentions, they must also realise that you have a very long-standing and deep-rooted fear that isn't going to be instantly cured by forcing you to face your demons. Sounds to me like you went along with it because you didn't want to make a fuss and the fact that you have been so unnerved (and still are today, by the sounds of it) I find rather worrying because I now wonder whether it is going to affect your future lessons. Is there going to be an element of worry from you beforehand now, each time you arrive in case they are going to force you to do something you are not really comfortable about?

If you are not happy hacking, don't do it, I say.

(said with the best intentions :))
 
hi MaryPoppins

well done for making it through the lesson and taking a positive view of it.

Sometimes apporaches like this work -- just knowing you HAVE ridden through the fields with other horses, and done the jumps -- can cause you to feel more confident about doing it in the future...

many RIs take this apporach and, if it works for you that is GREAT

Sometimes though, by pushing you too far outside your comfort zone and taking away your ability to control your own choices, and "forcing" you to do things that far outside your confidence level, there can be a rebound effect as your unconscious will say "I can't trust you to stay safe so I will make you even more worried about riding"

if that happens, don't panic -- it is natural and all you will have to do is make sure you don't allow yourself to be surprised like that again

in the meantime you can work out which apporach works best for you and take control of your riding -- there IS a need to stretch the comfort zone and different methods work for different people

well done!

Cathy
 
Skib said:
He is the wrong teacher for you Mary P - And your body and mind are giving you a valid warning. Choose your horse and teacher carefully. You are the best and only judge of the riding you enjoy and want to do.
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Thanks for your post Skib, I really do appreciate the way that you look out for me and you always have my best interests at heart. But, I don't really think that he did anything dangerous. We did only walk through a few fields, all were on site and the horses know them inside out. It is really unreasonable that he asked us to do an onsite hack for 20 minutes in walk only? The horse was a good choice for me because despite my nerves and tension he didn't do anything wrong at all. My RI was walking beside me and talking me through it the whole time. I don't think that it was unsafe at all. The fear is all inside my head.

The jumping we did last night was just one step above what I have been doing before. Last week I cantered round a whole course of jumps and even did a gate. I think that because I did so well last week he decided that this was the next stage for me.

I think that I was so upset because I was so overwelmed that I had actually ridden out in a group on a forward going horse and nothing had happened. Surely that's a good thing?
 
domane said:
Firstly, well done for doing as you were told. Whilst I appreciate that your RI had the best intentions, they must also realise that you have a very long-standing and deep-rooted fear that isn't going to be instantly cured by forcing you to face your demons. Sounds to me like you went along with it because you didn't want to make a fuss and the fact that you have been so unnerved (and still are today, by the sounds of it) I find rather worrying because I now wonder whether it is going to affect your future lessons. Is there going to be an element of worry from you beforehand now, each time you arrive in case they are going to force you to do something you are not really comfortable about?

If you are not happy hacking, don't do it, I say.

(said with the best intentions :))
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There is always an element of worry when I go for my lessons in the summer as we never know what we are going to be doing. Previously I have always been able to ride my steady cob so although I did sometimes find it nerve racking, I did enjoy it. This year I don't have the safety net of knowing a horse inside out, so I need to trust myself to ride the horse correctly. I guess that I don't really believe in myself to be the 'leader' and make the horse listen to me. That has always been the route of my problem. I like the horse to look after me, where as a good rider will always be in charge of the horse.
 
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